Thoughts and ramblings

A change of perspective... Update

2012-01-25T16:23:00.000+02:00

So my dad is fine! He's back home and allowed to carry on with life as usual. Turns out it was a random thing, like a heartbeat hiccup...

I'm no longer getting teary or having panic attacks and life can carry on as usual! Although I still maintain that I will keep my current view of life and will strive to find what I deserve!

A change of perspective

2012-01-25T09:18:00.003+02:00

Yesterday, I heard words that terrified me to the core… “Your dad is in hospital, getting his heart shocked”. My own heart broke a little. The news got gradually worse as the day went on and my dad ended up spending a night in ICU being monitored so they could give it another go today and get his heartbeat back to normal rhythm.

This is not supposed to be happening to my dad. He’s healthy, fit and my dad. He climbed Everest, he cycled the El Camino, he does canopy tours and takes part in ocean yacht races with me.

So in between my panic attacks and tears, I came to the realisation that the things that have been on my mind lately are not really important. I’ve been wasting time trying to change things that probably won’t change, no matter how much I do – they aren’t mine to change. I need to focus on family and friends and the goodness they bring to my life. I need to leave the negative behind and stop looking back.

Lately, I’ve been going around in circles, repeating mistakes and expecting different results (isn’t that the definition of insanity?). I need to stop this bad habit and just get on with the positive things and surround myself with good people who are genuine and want the same things. Life really is too short and precious to be wasting time with disingenuous people who don’t add the right value.

It’s funny how a shock and the threat of mortality can really change your perspective like that. I will no longer sweat the small stuff or compromise what I deserve.

If you’re single and you know it clap your hands

2012-01-10T12:44:00.002+02:00

So (obviously), I’m single. I have been for a long, with a brief relationship here and there, but nothing worth changing my Facebook status about.

Being single isn’t a problem for me, it’s what I know and I enjoy it for the most part. I get to hang out with friends whenever, I get to spend time alone relaxing, I have less drama in my life and if the need arises, I hook up with a guy. I have solo dates, where I eat good food, have a glass of wine and listen to good music and enjoy my own company (and sometimes that of my cat). I go for long walks or drives and explore new places. I don’t need to worry about someone else’s feelings or whether they are enjoying themselves or eat sushi.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I miss having someone to share things with and spend time with. It’s nice to have someone you can lie in bed with listening to the rain or go to movies with. It’s nice to snuggle or just sit quietly knowing someone is nearby.

I am in my 30’s and apparently being single when you’re over 30 is not a good thing. Maybe it messes with some people’s view of the balance of the universe? Maybe it doesn’t fit in with societal norms or what was/is expected of women. Personally, I think that’s bullshit!

In the last few months, there has been a spate of fix up attempts by friends and acquaintances. Some people think that just because two people are single, they’ll get on. If that were the case, no one would be single. I have standards. A few are negotiable (like blonde or brunette), but most aren’t (like sense of humour, intelligence and height) – if they all were, again, I wouldn’t be single -I have kissed enough frogs to know what I deserve and to know what I do and don’t want. I must give people credit though, they do ask first whether and I am single and then why I’m single.

At the moment I’m finding most first conversations of 2012 going as follows, in this order…
1. “How was Knysna?”
2. “Did you meet any men?”.

My standard response is…
1. “Kynsna was great!”
2. “I was in Knysna… seriously? Men in Knysna?”

This is true, as far as I have seen, there aren’t many single guys in Knysna – it’s quite a couple destination. But secondly, I don’t go on holiday to find a man! I go to relax, spend time with my family and do fun stuff that I don’t do at home.

I really hope to one day meet that person who makes me want to choose them over my single lifestyle. Someone who makes me want to compromise and include them in everything. I’ve met guys that I would do this for but the timing is wrong, something goes wrong or I just wasn’t ready for commitment. This is going to sound really arrogant, but if there is someone good enough, then I’m all for jumping right in! So until then, I will keep getting set up and keep meeting new guys because well, you just never know!

Just a little something about me...

2012-01-08T13:57:00.002+02:00

I can't wait around (and shouldn't be expected to) for someone to decide whether I'm the one they want, that I'm good enough for them and that I'm actually what they're looking for. I am not a consolation prize… I’m first prize.

Love me and choose me for me. I'm a great catch. I have so much to give. I just need a chance to show it.

I should not have to be compared with other girls for you to realise how great I actually am. You should see it and be happy with it and love it. And not wonder if there is something better.

I will not play games. It should be straightforward and open. We are past that, it’s unnecessary. If you don't know what you really want, you need to decide first before you start the journey or at least be honest about it throughout. Don't lead people on. It’s not fair to them to play with their emotions... especially people who don't open up easily because of past pain and disappointment.

You're not the only one who has been hurt or who has cried so hard because of someone else that you didn't think you'd survive it. But you did. And you learnt and grew from it. Don't be that person who taught you the lesson... Be the person who teaches in a good way, through love and honesty, not pain, hurt and selfishness.

Be a decent guy. Honesty and straightforwardness are appreciated. It may be hard to hear but it is appreciated in the long run, it saves a lot of future pain and sadness.

There is always risk involved, you just need to put your big girl panties on and give it a try. Sure, you could get your heart broken again but you could also find that one person who makes your heart so happy you think it will burst! You need to take a chance or you'll never find out.

If you want to date me, just ask. There’s a good chance I’ll say yes and give it my best shot. All I ask is that you treat me right and we’ll be happier than we ever dreamed possible.

Friends like these...

2012-01-06T11:40:00.002+02:00

We all have friends. Some have more than others. With the advent of Facebook, those of us on FB have more ‘friends’ than we knew we actually had. But the fact of the matter is that we pick our friends. They’re the family we choose.

Friends are people you can talk to about anything. They are there for you no matter what. They don’t judge you and accept you for all your flaws and for the mistakes you make. Friends tell you he was no good for you, but you went back anyway and they will still be there when he breaks your heart again and won’t say “I told you so” – well not to your face. They are there for the good and the bad, they support you, encourage you, keep your secrets, tell you the truth and give you advice. They tell you if your bum looks fat in that, they tell you that you look great in that new dress and they will shop with you for hours to find that perfect pair of shoes.

At the moment, I have a close group of friends and who I can spend time with either individually or as a group and they all get along with each other – bonus! Everyone is similar enough to get along but different enough to make it fun and interesting. We all have different relationship histories – married, divorced, dating, single. We all have different taste in men – helps limit competitiveness, all have successful careers, some have pets, some have children. But the fact of the matter is that when we get together (whether one on one or in a group), we have fun and enjoy ourselves. We can go bar hopping, have a fondue, go to movies, go away for a weekend or just sit around talking and laughing. It doesn’t really matter where we are, what we’re doing or what’s happening around us.

The one thing I have found lately is that I don’t really have any male friends at the moment – not like I used to! I used to be one of the boys and only had a couple girlfriends. The opposite is true now. Sure, I have a guy friend I’ve known for many years, who I see every couple weeks, but it’s become quite a superficial catch up thing. Earlier last year, I tried to cultivate a male friendship and it almost worked… then he got drunk, sent me naughty messages and decided he wasn’t able to be my friend. I tried again recently and ended up in bed with him… and I am now stuck with undefined uncertainty about what’s going on. It really does get more difficult as you get older and people settle down. Maybe there is no such thing as a platonic friendship when it comes to single men and women?

I have also found that some friends come with a sell by date. These are the friends who are awesome and lots of fun but only for a period of time. The relationship isn’t particularly sustainable and tends to fizzle out when something changes, like a job, life direction, new romantic relationship or new friendship. You get tired of being the person to always make the effort. They just die a quiet death though there is sometimes the obligatory “How have you been?” message once in a while. I have a couple prime examples…

I had a friend from my waitressing days. We got on really well, always had fun and she became my first housemate. We worked completely different hours (I was in corporate, she was still in the restaurant industry) so we saw just enough of each other. She then had a terrible car accident and spent the next 5 months in (a government) hospital. I visited a couple times a week, supported her and did what friends do. During this time, the new relationship with her boyfriend (now husband) grew and she moved in with him a couple months after she finally got released from hospital. It was a happy time for all, though her parents realised they were losing control of her life (they were crazy controlling, even has full access to her bank accounts so they could monitor what she spent her money on!!). I’d message her every couple months and we’d get together for dinner and a catch up. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. She then told me her mother had decided the wedding was family only so I was uninvited. I then saw on Facebook that she was “really looking forward to her hen’s party with all her special friends”. I was not included. Cue stab to the heart and twist that knife! So that was that… If I wasn’t part of her life anymore, then I would reciprocate in kind and deleted her. Looking back, she was fun at a time when we didn’t have too much responsibility and were just starting out, but I moved on. She stayed there and stayed the person who was pushed around by her boss, her parents and her sister.

Another friend is the kind of friend who moves from person to person every year or two. She becomes great friends with someone, you have a great time and then someone new appears. The current friendship eventually fizzles out and the pattern is repeated with the next person. Obviously this happened to our friendship, but I don’t really mind. We were moving in different directions, old friends who I didn’t really like or get on with were resurfacing, so it was actually a blessing in disguise. We all have limited “fun time” and I want to spend it with people I really like and whose company I enjoy. I don’t want to sit there holding my tongue so that I don’t upset anyone by saying what I really think.

Then there are the friends you will have forever. Thelma and I have been friends since we were little. It didn’t start that way… we met at nursery school when we were 4. I was apparently mean to her because she was so funny looking – kids can be so mean!! We went to the same primary school and also had a lift club - we lived 500m apart. Somehow we became very close in high school, even though we were at different schools. We became partners in crime, got up to ALL sorts of things… smoking drinking, boys… the usual teenage stuff. The rest of the story is in my “What If ?” post. We are still great friends and talk often. We’ve had two really big fights (my fault completely) and have gotten past them. Despite our very different lives, we have enough in common (not just a history) to still stay close. We are still great friends and I think we will be for another 30 years!

Friends do come and go. The trick is to find the ones who will be there for you and who you want to be there for. They’re not all the same and all bring something different to the table. This is what keeps it interesting. There comes a point when you realise who really matters, who never did, and who always will.

Here we go again…

2012-01-05T11:48:00.001+02:00

So, it’s 2012. 2011 was a good year for the most part and I am going to reflect on what was and what will hopefully be. It’s a helpful tracking tool :)

So workwise, things went very well. I officially got a great new boss, was given more responsibility and got to work on the things I enjoy. I’m hoping that things will keep going well this year… job hunting is just such a mission!

On the friend front, I spent some great times with really close friends and have developed some really special friendships with a group of girls who are similar but who each bring something new and different to the group. I also started a new bookclub due to irritation issues at the last one and it’s all going great! Decent books and decent conversation guaranteed once a month.

Health wise, I don’t know if I’ve ever been healthier! I saw a doctor twice the entire year (and once was a formality). I started working out with a personal trainer (whose company I actually enjoy and don’t mind the punishment) and have lost some centimetres and have firmed up a lot. My drinking has been a bit on the excessive side once in a while, but that’s easy to rein in along with my eating habits.

On the man front, what’s there to say… I dated someone for a couple months, it didn’t work out. I did learn a lesson or two, so it wasn’t all in vain. I’ve met some interesting guys along the way. I’ve had a few crushes, though nothing really came of any of them. But I guess that initial excitement is still fun, even considering the ego knocks.

I have a new house, my cat still loves me and my family is healthy! I also went to Italy for a couple weeks by myself in April and had a fantastic time! So all in all, a good year!

And now bring on 2012!! So, what are the plans for this year? What resolutions need to be made? I’m not really a fan of resolutions, especially just because it’s a new year – they should be made at any time really. But I suppose this is as good a time as any to start fresh and better yourself, so here goes!

I will not be a control freak. I never used to be SUCH a control freak… it seems that the lawyers (my clients) I work for are rubbing off on me. It’s not the worst thing in the world, it does help with my work and the events I do, but I really need to keep it out of my personal life! I used to be a more spontaneous, go-with-the-flow kind of person. Now I mentally plan as much as I can whenever I’m doing something. And of course this leads to some disappointment. So, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop (if all goes according to plan (: ). I will now make a suggestion or extend an invitation and if I get a response then good, if not, then I’ll find something else to do and someone else to spend time with. Easy!

I would like to have a healthy, happy, real relationship with a man. I’m ready for it and have a lot to offer, so I don’t see the problem. I just need someone who is on the same level, not someone who isn’t sure what he wants and would still like to keep his options open. I deserve to be the first and only choice. I am not settling for anything less. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want someone who will idolise me and do anything I ask (that just gets boring!) but just someone who respects me, who only has eyes for me and isn’t second guessing his choice.

And maybe I’ll try not to be so judgmental… though I’m not sure about that one. It’s just SO fun sometimes! But I can throw in positivity rather for the meantime, to keep the karma gods happy.

And of course the standard resolutions apply… lose weight, get fit and be more awesome (if at all possible)! :) And of course, I resolve to do some more regular blogging!

Well, good luck to those of you who are also attempting resolutions, let’s see if this really is the year to get it all done.

The art of the break up

2011-12-12T15:41:00.003+02:00

I was out having a glass of wine with a friend the other day and the topic inevitably turned to men. We discussed the latest ones on the scene, those we had seen around and who weren’t looking as good as we remembered and then how things had ended with some of these men. I think everyone has been the victim of a bad breakup, whether it’s a messy one or one that is less than satisfactory – the ones with lots of loose ends.

There should be a basic protocol that should be followed when breaking up with someone. Now I can’t comment on the best way to end a long-term serious relationship, but I can comment on the rest. First, don’t just disappear. That’s just cowardly! And in this day and age quite a difficult thing to do! Everyone is so available, you have at least 5 different ways to get hold of someone, so disappearing is impossible. Having all these various communication channels also makes it easier for people to break up using the wrong medium. It is NOT ok to dump someone by writing on their Facebook wall, by changing your relationship status or mentioning them in a Tweet – “Hi @insertname, I think we should break up #ItsNotYouItsMe”. You should also avoid email and sms and just go the face to face or phone call route. It used to be that it was face to face or nothing – unless you were attempting a long distance relationship and then a call was ok.

Now when it comes to reasons, a lot of people become unstuck. You want to tell the truth, but you don’t want to be too harsh. No one likes to look like a dick afterwards! You CANNOT say “I guess like your favourite book says, I’m just not that into you”!!! No one quotes scripture when they break up with someone – well not in my world! You also can’t say “it’s because I think I have a real shot with your best friend”.

However, I think that if the other person does have their wits about them and has questions, you should answer them and probably do it as truthfully as possible, while still being sensitive. If not, you’re leaving loose ends and more questions.

Also, what is protocol when it comes to gifts and tokens? If someone has bought you a car and it’s in your name, do you give it back? Do you give back a ring, especially one with a really big, pretty, sparkly stone? My first response would be no, especially if you’re the one who’s been dumped – it’s kind of like severance pay. And you don’t take presents back when you break up with a friend… a gift is a gift. Though on the flip side, if I were to break someone’s heart for whatever reason, I may feel guilty enough to give them something back… I’m just not sure what, maybe a photo frame or something?

So if you find yourself in the awkward and painful position of being the one to break up with someone, just think about how you would like to be broken up with and apply it to the situation. If you don’t, you never know, you may be broken up with on Facebook with a message like “Your dick is too small. I think we should see other people. Oh! And by the way, I’m dating your much more well-endowed brother… guess we know who got the good genes in the family!”

The Game

2011-12-12T14:19:00.001+02:00

I am busy reading the book, The Game by Neil Strauss. It’s a very interesting book about how to be a player, apparently with the aim of finding the right woman or something along those lines.

What brought this about was a sneaky suspicion that I may be being played. And considering that I thought I knew the Game pretty well and have played it for many years, this was not ayoba! I have seen this book around, on various men’s bookshelves… This was a book I could no longer ignore and had to know more about. So I bought it and the follow up book, “The Rules of the Game”. I now consider myself a bit more educated in the way of the pick-up and feel confident that I can spot a pick-up if need be. Although, I’m not sure if guys are consciously doing it.

So far, I have learnt a couple things from the (first) book and have put some of the techniques to use, with positive results! For example, he talks about ‘negging’. This is when you pay someone an underhanded compliment. I used it on a young, hot colleague of mine. He was showing off his (very impressive) biceps, so I said “Nice, but I’ve seen better”. He then tried to change my mind the rest of the night. And obviously I got to squeeze them regularly, in a bid to change my mind. It got even more fun when I told him that his best friend was above him on my “Hot List”.

Some of the techniques in the book are a bit over the top and sometimes just ridiculous. Things like learning magic tricks, NLP, hypnosis and so on. The way I see it, you shouldn’t have to do all sorts of tricks to pick up a girl.

Something else I have noticed while “out in the field” is that a lot of guys have a problem with the
follow up. They can make a great opening, but then fail to impress further. For example, I was out with the girls on Friday night and a guy walked past and said he would also be looking after us, just after our waiter had introduced himself and said the same thing. Not a bad start… later he came to speak to us, with his married friend in tow – who left about 10 minutes later. From then, this guy proceeded to dig himself deeper and deeper into the “I’m a moron” hole. He showed off his car keys (Mercedes – an old man car), his horse, talked about how he loved hunting (which I refused to talk to him about, because I don’t agree with it), spoke into his walkie talkie (he apparently owns a security company), even dropped his pants (not his boxers, thank god!!) and the list goes on! Eventually he left because we were talking amongst ourselves and having a giggle at his expense. But before he left, he decided it would be a great idea to surprise me with a big smooch… not the best surprise, but bless him, he tried! And left us with A LOT of good private laughs!

So the lesson here is if you think got Game you need to back it up… this isn’t a sprint, it’s a
marathon. Don’t be a chop.

I must say that is quite a fun social experiment so far… I could really have some fun with this,
though I do think it gets a bit boring and empty eventually. People shouldn’t have to have plays that they run to meet each other. It’s real life, not a basketball game.

What if??

2011-11-16T12:57:00.002+02:00

You know those times when you’re sitting quietly alone and your mind wanders… quite often it wanders into the world of “What If”. What if I’d turned right? What if I’d said yes? What if I’d waited a little bit longer?

Maybe it’s because the end of yet another year is around the corner, but lately I’ve been doing a lot of “What If’ing”. Some of it is just random wondering, but some of it has been quite deep and a bit on the depressing side when all is said and done.

For example… if my parents hadn’t been the parents they are and had let me follow my 17 year old heart, and I had moved to East London to be with my first. Where would I be now? Would I be sitting in East London, bored out of my mind, with three children, running a coffee shop? Would I have lost my mind and moved back to Joburg with a couple years of my life to catch up on? Thank god they had the common sense I didn’t! Though the whole situation worked itself out in the end anyway – as these things tend to do.

Another example… my friend ‘Thelma’ and I have been friends since we were four. We were planning on both going to RAU. For matric holiday, we spent some time in Sodwana. We fell in love with the place and the lifestyle. Her mom said she could move there in early the next year, my parents said “Not a chance in hell, university is non-negotiable”. She went, I stayed. She lived a great life – I did get to visit every 3 months. I became a student and partied and (eventually) studied hard. She met the love of her life and they have been together for 15 years and are still madly in love. I am still single, with nothing resembling a great track record in that department. She lives in Cape Town, has her own company making environmentally friendly cleaning products (www.betterearth.co.za), two gorgeous daughters and a loving husband. I live in Joburg, work at a law firm doing Marketing (that I studied and really enjoy) and live alone with my cat. So what would our lives look like if we hadn’t taken those paths? What would she be doing if she’d followed a similar one to mine? When I asked Thelma what she thought of this, she said she probably would’ve ended up in a similar position anyway – and I agree, I think it’s her destiny, as this is mine.

But really, what if I had put in more effort with a particular guy, or what if I hadn’t been so annoyed by a particular habit? What if he was more into me, took time to get to know the real me and accepted my flaws or issues. Would I be happily married (or happily divorced), would I have a kid or two and would I be driving a Porsche?

I believe that there is an element of fate or destiny involved, but I sometimes wonder whether I would be on a different path if I wasn’t too impulsive (and hedonistic) in some situations or too undecided in others?

Note: Impulsiveness and procrastination are really hard personality traits to balance!

Rejection (especially the unexpected kind) always brings up these doubts with me and leads to hours of reflection. No one likes to be rejected, but it does cause a fair amount of self-doubt. Questions like why am I not good enough for anyone, what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong in my previous life that I’m now alone, haven’t I been punished enough by always finding the assholes?

After a while and a couple glasses of wine, it seems that the answer becomes obvious… maybe it’s not meant for me? Maybe I am not one of those people who needs to be part of a pair, maybe everything I have is enough? I figure that if I’m still single and relationships consistently don’t work out, maybe it’s because they’re not supposed to? A fair assumption, right?

I reached this conclusion a few months back and really came to terms with it. I started focusing more of myself, my friends and family and started having more fun because of the awesome company I had. I started training with a personal trainer – so that was 2 hours a week of undivided male attention – and I feel healthier and fitter. And I decided not to date or let men get in the way, because everything was awesome without them.

Then…what I was expecting to be a one night stand became someone I chatted to every day and eventually ended in one of the best dates ever. And that’s where it ended - well, that’s what I assume since he seems to not be that into me? So falling back into my usual patterns, I questioned, reflected, felt sorry for myself, listened to the advice of all sorts of people, worked out really hard and got over it – in record time! I realised that no amount of “What If-ing” would change things. He is who he is with his issues and I am who I am with mine… if it’s not meant to be, why try to understand it? It just is.

So I think that is enough “What If-ing” for the time being and I’m going back to who I was a month ago! That awesome, happy, confident and independent person I REALLY like!

Top 10 things guys don't want to hear

2011-09-29T11:09:00.004+02:00

I found this fantastic article online… and my comments are obviously included (in blue)!

10. "Are you done?"
Any woman who has had sex, ever, has at least thought this if not asked it. The idea that the longer you last the better comes from men’s magazines and romance novels. Over 30 minutes of sex is really not fun…. it gets uncomfortable – ladies get stiff in the wrong places and it begins to chaff. This is where the saying “I only smoke after sex” comes from. Seriously, get in there, do you thing (well) and get out, if you haven’t hit the spot after 15 minutes, I have a feeling you’re not going to. I know this will deflate egos (among other things) but seriously, by that stage, WE DON’T CARE!

9. "We should take dancing lessons!"
This statement can strike fear on two levels: For one, you’ll be learning the cha-cha in a room full of other hapless guys who will only serve to remind you of your own sad fate. And secondly, the next wedding or social function you attend, your girlfriend will undoubtedly want to show off your whole repertoire, from Foxtrot to Charleston. Ready for centre stage? We didn't think so.

8. "Notice anything different?"
If you have to ask, he's not going to know...

Why do you never want to hear her say this? Because it’s a minefield, my friend. You guess she got a haircut. She didn’t, and is angry you suggested it. You then guess she’s wearing a new outfit; she’s not, and now she’s even angrier. You grasp at another guess; she did her nails. Wrong! Now you’re officially the most insensitive man on the planet and she lets you know it. “How could you not notice my new eyebrows?” You failed, you loser. Time to pony up for flowers and a night out, pronto.

7. "Don't worry, he's just my ex."
It is very rare that you can actually stay friends with an ex and not reminisce about the old times, whatever feelings went with that relationship or the great sex you used to have. We like to think we can, but alas, we can’t. Generally, one of you starts feeling the old (good) feelings again, remembering the good times. Unless you have kept your old diary where you wrote down exactly why you broke up and what an idiot he was, you will forget the bad and annoying. This is never a safe place to be especially when you have a relationship with someone else on the go.

6. "It's OK, it's not contagious."
Being a sufferer of the occasional fever blister this is not something I want to hear or say! Why would you take the chance? Whether its herpes or a cold, you don’t give to people, that’s just not nice!

Care for some herpes simplex? Painful STD? Better to first assess what your wife/girlfriend is talking about. Then Google it to death and cross-reference it with a doctor. Be prepared for the backlash. Once you refuse to touch her, she may feel like she’s in quarantine and consider you an inhumane, cruel man. But happily you’ll be infection-free, though possibly girlfriend-free as well.

5. "We need to talk."
No one likes to hear these words, in most circumstances… much like how I don’t like people using my name while talking to me (always gives me the feeling I’ve done something wrong). It’s a phrase where you automatically expect the worst and it usually doesn’t disappoint.

Cue the dramatic music, please. This heavy phrase you never want to hear her say is the classic tip-off that something bad is about to happen. And in the few seconds before she tells you what that bad thing is, your stomach flips around like a fish in a frying pan as you think about the range of possibilities. Is it over? Does she want time away? Did you forget the milk, again? Regardless, one thing is clear: you are about to be told you are deficient in some way, and it ain't gonna be pretty.

4. "Do you know what day today is?"

Again, if you have to ask...

Quick. Think. The dog's birthday? Your parents' anniversary? Wednesday? Like the No. 8 thing you never want to hear her say on our list, this can be an open-ended hell for any man. You throw out ideas and every wrong answer you get, you inch closer to sleeping on the couch for an undetermined period of time. We would like to offer a few words of advice regarding this nightmarish situation: Always pick important relationship-related dates if you must make an idiotic guess, and for God's sake, write down all significant dates.

3. "I've been thinking..."
Uh oh. First of all, this means you need to get comfortable. Her thinking could mean anything from talking about the "state of your union” to how you can improve your attitude, language, style, or why you should join Kabbalah. Thinking is essential in every other context, but in this one, it can be disastrous.

2. "I'm late."
This is one of those phrases you as a woman never want to say because it generally means, “we’ve had sex, something went wrong, we’re not married/serious/compatible in the long term and if this is what I think it is, I’m bound to you for the rest of my life – and I really don’t know if that works for me.” AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! Again, this phrase also has a negative connotation, I don’t know many people who can put a positive, happy spin on it when they say it.

No, we don't mean for work. For every guy who has ever heard this, it's come out sounding more like “Your life is over.” No amount of commitment is going to make this statement any easier to take. We won't even get into the impact this would have coming from a one-night stand…
The impact these two little words can have on any man is just too great to put into actual words, but we'll try: nine months of hell, sleepless nights, crying, breast milk, hormones - OK, we just can't go on.

1. "Aw, it's so cute!"
If you add in a finger tickle gesture, it really just makes it worse. Again, I’m sure most ladies have at one stage wanted to say these very words! I have a friend who once said this to her husband after he got out of the bath and wondered why he didn’t speak to her for two weeks, because it was in fact cute and she thought he would see the humour as well. Really? You cannot demean a man’s member! It’s his pride and joy – I’m sure you’ve had one paraded in front of you or swung around for your benefit. This is the male version of being told that your butt looks fat or that he really likes how you have love handles for him to hold on to.

The Kids of Camp Niobe

2011-08-16T14:02:00.002+02:00

I was browsing Facebook and looking at a friends photo's and webiste, when I came across this page... I had forgotten all about it! It brought back such fantastic memories of my 5 months in the US in 2000...

http://www.photohype.com/gh_campniobe.htm

Perhaps the story of my adventure will make it onto the pages of my blog. Actually, they will dammit! Time to transcribe that diary I kept :)

Nothing beats...

2011-08-12T15:26:00.001+02:00

Nothing beats…

…seeing an ex for the first time and you look awesome… and he doesn’t

…seeing the same ex a few weeks later and realising you feel absolutely nothing for him

…the first sip of an ice cold cider on a hot summer day

…sinking your feet into warm beach sand

…breaking the water’s surface after a scuba dive

…finding the perfect pair of pants that make your ass look oh so tight

…finding those pants in 3 different colours

…and finding the perfect shoes to match in the same shopping trip

…your first wonder bra

…making out for hours with someone you really like

…snoozing in the winter sun

…the Woolworths sale

…stringy melted cheese on a pizza or toasted sandwich

…a bear hug

Nothing beats that warm, happy feeling :)

Baby's First Tattoo

2011-06-17T10:43:00.003+02:00

I finally got my shit together, made a final decision (not an easy thing for me to do!) and booked myself a tattoo session at Kevin’s Kustom Tattoo’s in Northcliff (they did my belly ring in 1996).

I had been determined to get a tattoo for the past 4 years, but had never done it. I was going to do it when I lost weight for my 30th birthday… I didn’t lose weight. And so it went, I set goals, didn’t meet them and didn’t get a tattoo. Finally, on doctors (very scary) orders, I lost 10kg’s and managed to keep it off. So, when my 33rd birthday rolled around, it was time!

The other thing holding me back, besides my lack of goal achievement was what to get? Seeing as how tattoo’s are (as my parents always tell me) permanent, it had to be something that meant something and that was ‘me’. So, I Googled. I found some really nice ones, but nothing grabbed me (except the really big ones that are done down the side). I was almost decided on stars but then I had an epiphany! A daisy! Perfect and SO apt! I was given the nickname “Daisy Chainsaw, Last of the Poppy People” by someone who played a big role in my teenage years and my best friend used it too (though abbreviated to DCLOTPP). I also doodle daisies and sign cards with a daisy under my name. My brother bought me a daisy ring when he was in Greece because when he saw it he said it was ‘me’. So, decision made! Yay!

I stopped in at the tattoo shop and booked my appointment for the 21st March, a public holiday and the day before my birthday.

On the morning, I was feeling a bit tender after a late night out, but managed to pull through with many sugary drinks and a toasted cheese sandwich. I watched a girl get script tattooed down her rib cage and another get a tattoo on her neck. I was feeling calm and ready…

When it was my turn, Bevan and I looked at the daisy I had chosen and found some curly things to go on either side and decided to put it on my lower back. When it came to getting the tattoo, he asked me to sit on the bed and hug my knees and not to move. Now, I’m a twitchy person and have random sensitive areas on my back, so not moving is not a promise I can comfortably make. Bevan told me he’d do a test line without ink, so I’d know what to expect – he had described the pain and a thousand bees stinging you at the same time… not very comforting. So with the test line done and not nearly as bad as I expected, I was ready!

We chatted, I hugged my knees, cringed a bit once in a while, but thought I was being very brave! And that was the outline done. Then came the shading…. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! I was not ready for that! I held on though, surely that was the worst… the black curly design bits weren’t too think and the flower was lightly shaded. No problem! Then came the middle, yellow bit….he went over and over and over it, to make sure it was solid. It was also sitting right in the centre of the top of my pelvis. It felt like someone was slowly gouging out a piece of skin with a sharp knife. By this stage I was grinding my teeth and squeezing my ankles until my feet went numb.

While all of this was going on, a girl walked in to get a tattoo on her thigh and came to take a look at what was happening. She was very nice and complimentary – a little bit of reassurance goes a long way when you’re trying not to squeal with pain. She then asked me whether I had used the cream. ‘Cream?” I said. “Yes, the numbing cream.” Um… no! No one told me about a numbing cream! So I said “Nah… Im hard core!” and luckily Bevan agreed! But I do think that you should feel every minute of your first tattoo, it’s kind of like a right of passage.

So after it was done, I was covered up, told what nappy cream to buy and that was that! Success!

My garn and her twin sister came over to see me that afternoon, so I showed them and got them to help me clean all the dried blood off. And they liked it! At least that was something because I knew my parents would not be happy. But what could they do? My brother already has two, so I’m hardly the first one to go against their wishes (for a change)

It was a bit tender for a few days afterwards and then started getting really itchy when the scab started forming and falling off – nothing says crazy like someone hitting their lower back (instead of scratching) for no apparent reason. But it is all healed now and I think it’s really pretty and I have absolutely no regret!

They say that tattoo’s are addictive. I can tell you that for 3 weeks afterwards, I was adamant that they aren’t. But I now notice other people’s tattoo’s more and once in a while a new tattoo does pop into my head. But for now, I don’t have anything specific in mind and I don’t have a reason… so that’s me for a while, until the next epiphany or landmark.

This tattoo is me and reminds me that this is who I am… so take it or leave it!

Rapture… what’s the big hooha?

2011-05-23T16:39:00.000+02:00

So as I’m sure everyone knows by now, the world (as we know it) should’ve ended on Saturday 21 May and Jesus was supposed to come back for a visit. Hence the rapture… oooohhhhh….

Apparently, at 6:00pm (in which time zone I don’t know), a massive earthquake would devastate the planet, the dead would rise from their graves, and mankind would have to endure five months of fiery damnation before the world ended in October. To be honest, I had no idea what time it was supposed to happen but I was working towards 7:00pm.

Those people who were chosen – it is said there were 200 million of these so-called ‘true believers’ – would get fast tracked straight up to heaven where they would probably get popcorn and a slush puppie to enjoy the festivities down below on Earth.

According to the totally sane guy who is spreading the news, Harold Camping, the ACTUAL day the world will end is the 21 October 2011. The 21 May was just the date Jesus was supposed to arrive to collect souls and start the fire. This guy also predicted the Rapture would take place on 6 September 1994, but as we all know, that also didn’t happen. Though after re-calculating, he came up with 21 May and says that it’s totally for real this time. Ummmm… try again!!

But according to Jesus – who I follow on Twitter @Jesus_M_Christ – he couldn’t find any decent souls to Rapture… and he also got high.

So I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what 21 October brings and then what 21 December 2012 brings…. Until then… LET’S HAVE SOME FUN! WOOOHOOO!!!

Is romance dead?

2011-05-23T16:12:00.005+02:00

In the space of one day, I came across 3 very different stories revolving around marriage…

The first story was about a guy who filmed an elaborate marriage proposal and screened it at the cinema where his girlfriend was due to watch a film. Apparently, he made every girl in the room jealous too.

How very nice! Hope the romance lasts! That is really a lot to keep living up to!

The second story, according to the Daily Mail, some romantic guy had clearly put in a lot of effort to propose to his girlfriend. He had picked out the ring, rehearsed a song, practised his speech and had even took his beloved back to the place where they met so he could pop the question. But as he met her outside a fast food shop in a shopping mall, perhaps he should have guessed that getting down on bended knee in front of whooping shoppers might not strike quite the right note.

In a video posted by a bystander online the man startles his (possibly now ex) girlfriend by proposing to her in front of gleeful customers in the food court section of the fashion mall, in Los Angeles.

The dejected romantic declares to the girl - named as Caroline - just how much he loves her and why they must be together. He is joined by a guitarist, who accompanies him as he bursts into song, serenading the panicking girl with Neil Diamond's classic song “Sweet Caroline”.

'We met one year ago right in front of this Cinnabon,' he begins.
'I was dizzy in your presence, Caroline.
'I love everything about you... I love how you curl up next to me on the sofa and purr like a kitten.
'Make me the most happiest and dizzy man in the world.'

But despite his heartfelt sentiments and the ogling shoppers who shout at her to accept, “Caroline”, whose hands have been clamped over her mouth in shock since he started his proposal and murmuring “Oh my God, what are you doing?” at him, looks around the centre and decides to dash out, according to Daily Mail.

The young man is left heartbroken, surrounded by shocked shoppers who snap pictures of him and try to console the rejected Romeo with 'that was brutal' and 'it's alright, man, it's alright.'
Hopefully next time the young man will opt to propose in a slightly more secluded setting.

To be honest, I don’t think I’d be terribly impressed if a guy proposed to me in front of MacDonald’s or KFC…. Rather pick where you went on a first date. Or if you’re that into it, make a replica in a more secluded place, that isn’t a shopping mall!

Unlucky!! I guess she’s just not that into you… or she would’ve said yes.

Bride-to-be tries to kill herself

A 22-year-old woman in a wedding gown is grabbed by Guo Zhongfan, a local community officer, as she attempts to kill herself by jumping out of a seven-storey residential building in Changchun, China.

According to local media, the woman tried to commit suicide after her boyfriend of four years broke up with her, just as they were making plans to get married. The woman did not sustain any injuries during the incident.

Well, maybe injuries to her pride… one day she’ll look back at this and think “What the hell was I thinking?? He had no idea what he was losing and now he’s fat and lonely… and he had a small willy! I sure as hell dodged that bullet!”

The new Ten Commandments

2011-05-14T14:59:00.002+02:00

As single or dating girls, we should have some things that are just non-negotiable. Some are easier to stick to but we should always keep the others in mind.

When it comes to men and dating, we seem to put up with too much and let too many things slide. We explain them away, justify them, and make up excuses like… “just give him time, he’ll see how awesome I am and will stop hedging his bets and looking for someone better”; “he treats me so well when we’re alone”; “but we really click, really”; he’s so busy he doesn’t always have time to email/sms/BBM/What’sApp/ Skype/Facebook/Tweet me” (that’s total bullshit!! He will be spending time in traffic, drinking coffee or sitting on the toilet – he can always find time if he wants to).

ENOUGH!!! If he’s not being a decent guy, not being a real man, you need to speak to him about it so that he knows what you expect and think. If you’re scared it’ll scare him off, maybe that’s not such a bad thing! No one likes a scaredy cat!

Do you really still want to be wondering, interpreting, trying to decipher every little thing in three months’ time? My answer would be NO!!!! And how do I know? I;ve been there, done that, shed a tear over it. It sucks being let down and disappointed but we’ve all had to deal with it at some point.

Some men are very good at fooling you into thinking it’s all great and that there’s a future – they may even believe it themselves… But once the little things start to niggle, it’s time to go with your gut, ask the hard questions and decide whether you’re worth more. I would bet that you are!

So here are my top 10 Commandments. And unlike Moses’, mine can be updated and added to, so if you have anything to add, do so!

Thou shalt not…

1. … let a man make you feel crap about yourself.
If he doesn’t think you’re awesome and doesn’t say and do all the nice things you deserve, why are you bothering? You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated.

2. …be someone’s second choice or the “until someone better comes along” girl.
You should be his first and only choice. He’s yours isn’t he?

3. …run after a man
I know it’s 2011 and women have a lot of power and are very independent but sometimes we need to stick with the old school way of doing things. Men need to be men. They need to step up and take control. They need to ask you out. They need to contact you. They need to win your affection and court you. If you do most of the initiating, you need to take a step back and rethink whether he would contact you if you stopped. Would he?

4. … have to analyse whether he’s into you.
You shouldn’t have to analyse whether he’s into you. You should know, it should be obvious and he should show it.

5. …compromise yourself.
Don’t change your personality, your body, your beliefs or your friends for a man. If he doesn’t like you for who and what you are, he should find someone else. Just look at how it all ended for Advocate Barbie!

6. …be at his beck and call.
If he needs you to pick him up at a braai, after drinks, after a game, he better have the common courtesy to invite you in for at least one drink. If he’s not, why not? Are you just a glorified driver who puts out? Staff with benefits? I think it’s time to reassess your job title and job description.

7. … date a man who treats ‘service people’ like crap.
If you can’t treat a waiter, cashier or security guard with respect, who’s to say he won’t treat you like that one day?

8. … date a married, engaged, involved guy.
Do I need to elaborate?

9. …take a man back.
There’s a reason you broke up, no matter who did the dumping. The reason will always be in the back of your mind and will probably resurface in a very ugly way.

10. …be anything other than a fabulous, awesome and amazing woman and don’t need a man to be that.

I think that’s enough…

2011-05-11T13:33:00.001+02:00

I have come to the decision that I am very over the online dating thing! After a few very unsuccessful dates (though I did get some entertaining stories out of them!), I am throwing in the towel.

And as a final send off, I leave you with yet another pearler of a candidate…

Why should you get to know devilliers?
NO PERSONS UNDER AGE (sensitive!!)

First the bad news...Why not to get to know me: I take medication(anti - depressants, tranquilizers and sleeping pills) However I am not a suicidal case past or potential. I have PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder)Also I don't have wheels presently. The PTSD is because twice I've nearly died once drug related and the other a car smash. And you can throw in National Service which was a nightmare. I also have residual schizophrenia, a condition controlled with medicine. Basically some nerve endings in my brain were damaged by the dagga I took(2 puffs can you believe it?) when I nearly died which has caused a chemical imbalance but I'm fine with the tranquilizers which double up to right this imbalance in my case- I'm not psycho(haven't killed anyone or planning on it!!)'Normal ' people also do this!!!.My last medical condition that I have is gout. So if you're passionate about your red meat and alchohol then maybe I'm not for you, not to say that I don't indulge in these luxuries.

Now the good news....
Why you should get to know me:I have a private income and I think If I get a permanent job my income bracket will be comfortable to wealthy. A gentleman. Patient. Only child(=financially stable)All the usual cliches. I can work, have worked for years in the hospitality industry. Mom's an author with 2 published books and 8 in the pipelines-interesting times. Maybe I'll make a comeback to golf(Seniors Tour only)although I have a bad back and presently my heart isn't really in it. Somehow I think the last two sentences are dreams but you never know. Its's been said I'm a bit crazy but that is in a funny way.

Friends/penpals if you're not from W Cape(unless you want to relocate)I'd consider this when I inherit. Sorry to bore you with the medical stories but I believe they should be out in the open so no ramifications later. This is all the honest truth! If nothing develops then the very least is that I hope I have dispelled some myths about psychiatric disability. I'm not eccentric either.

He describes his ideal match thus:
I don't believe in idealism, we don't live in an ideal world. However if I had to answer the question.20 words.

Let me start with what I don't want, the bad news:Clubbers, pubbers ,classical music haters (I like Chopin- not raucus classical), unrefined, TATOOS, attention seeking, career woman, perfectionists, critics, bitches, gold- diggers, socialites, snobs, travellers, obesity(curvaceous is fine),control freaks, shopping addicts, make-up over users, time wasters, one-night stands/casual sex, step kids that are school going- must be either out the house or in nappies/very young, recreational drug users, more friends/friendship with potential to develop, two-timers, high maintenance, low sex drive, party animal, heavy drinkers, fakes, mind games, pretentiousness, chain smoker/long cigarettes, uncompassionate, non-oral sex likers, self-righteousness, bible bashers, insecure income, insincerity, gossipers, foul-mouthedness, small- talkers-(no time for chit-chat), indecisiveness, heartbreakers, narrow- mindedness, complicatedness, insensitive, unemphathetic, immaturity, drama -queens, feminists and sexism.

What will be good: I like spontaneity, rugby(watching in bars wherever-yes it's that season)An adopted kid or two if you're past that age and have no kids.I don't mind not wanting kids-they don't bring me happiness(I mean they're not key to a fulfilled life).Will accept me for me love or money. In my case its love first and the love of love not the love of money. You'll know if it is meant to be after about 3 dates....Thats my style, so if you like to be wined and dined then good.. Maybe you want a houseman or a lover or a husband or better still all in one. Thanks for reading my profile.

'Nuff said!!

Mr. Hand Fetish

2011-04-06T15:27:00.000+02:00

My final online date was with a guy I’m going to refer to as HF (Hand Fetish). According to the dating website, we were 100% match. So we set up a date at Fournos in Dunkeld. I liked his photo… it had a great sunset in the background.

To start, he was late – apparently couldn’t find his car keys. He arrived as I was about to leave. We chatted, he seemed like a nice guy… We got onto the topic of running – something I don’t do. I told him that I had injured my (already dodgy) knee in a car accident (not my fault) and he got very angry about it - a little weird but I let it slide, give him credit for ‘passion’. It’s no loss to me that I can’t run, I wasn’t very good at it anyway.

About half an hour into the date, he took my hand. Now I’m not the most publicly affectionate person and I’ve been told that I should go along with it because that’s what people do, they’re openly affectionate… So, I went with it. And it got really weird…

He started to massage my hand, he looked at the palm, squeezed each finger and just kept rubbing. Then much to my utter dismay, he started to kiss my fingers and hands. WTF??? After less than a hour of meeting? NO YOU DIDN’T!!

People were looking at us and I’m sure they saw the pleading look of horror on my face. Those who know me, know that my face shows everything I’m thinking.

And all he had to say about this was “I love hands”… REALLY?!?

Luckily for me I had a lunch date an hour later that ‘suddenly’ moved an hour earlier, so I had to dash. Saying goodbye in the car park was almost as painful… he hugged me like he was going off to war for 4 years. Turns out he was spending the December holidays with his family in George while I would be in Knysna but luckily I was “super busy” with family stuff - aka relaxing with no one molesting my hands!

No Judgement!

2011-03-31T22:32:00.000+02:00

My mother always tells me that I'm too quick to judge people. I’ve never really had an issue with this because I trust my instincts and think I judge for a reason. But when I met “Chop” (I wish I could use the real name I have for him, but it may not be appropriate) I decided that I would reserve judgement and just go with it.

The first date went well, we had good conversation and even had a bit of a smooch. He did leave me at the parking ticket payment machine to deal with the problem of it not reading my card, but I let it slide. But NO JUDGEMENT!

Second date… we were having dinner at my fave restaurant, DW 11-13. He was half an hour late – but he didn’t get the message I sent saying I could meet earlier. We both had the rack of lamb… which he proceeded to eat with him hands - yes, like he was at a weekend braai – and eat noisily with his mouth open. But NO JUDGEMENT!

Date three… we went to movies (saw Social Network… such a good movie!). He picked me up (late) and gave me a sad bunch of petrol station roses - they lasted about 12 hours, though it’s the thought that counts. He drove down the middle of Republic Road across both lanes at about 40 kms/ hour. He didn’t want popcorn but said he would have a little bit of mine. Turns out that means nom nom nom…. And he ate most of it. SO all in all, a fun night. But NO JUDGEMENT!

Fourth date. He came over to my house for wine and snacks. He was late. He scoffed the snacks (of course noisily with an open mouth) and went on about how awesome it was to live in the UK and that SA is crap. He was only in SA to see if he could find a wife and see how SA would work for him – it had already been two years. If you don’t like your homeland and can’t make a decision after two years, EFF OFF! While smooching on the couch, he practically crushed me and paid no attention to my discomfort, didn’t notice I was turning blue and didn’t hear my ribs cracking. He then also tried to sleep over! WTF? He did promise that nothing would happen…. Really? So he went home. But NO JUDGEMENT!

Fifth and (thank god) final date. We were having coffee. Guess what… he was late! When he did arrive, I had decided that I wasn’t going to be the one to make all the conversation. We sat in silence for most of the time. He then told me I was paying the bill and left. Again WTF? Oh and JUDGEMENT!!

I got an email the next week going on about how I was rude and had no manners…. Pardon?? I told him that he was a dick and good luck to anyone who out up with his crap. And I thought that was that. My to my shock, a couple weeks later I get a mail… Hey! How you doing? What’s happening etc etc. Seriously?? Apparently after he was so rude to me, he thought we would be friends. Bless… how could one person be SO delusional? I told him (again) that he was a dick and that I never wanted to speak to him again – I don’t have space for negativity.

So that was the end of that… consider yourself JUDGED and I am back to make my trusty snap judgements! They’re awesome!

Into the world of online dating

2010-11-24T09:21:00.000+02:00

About 2 months ago, I registered for online dating, to see what cyber space held in terms of men. And two months later, I'm quite bored and feeling a bit let down. There are definitely not enough new men with anything resembling me requirements joining the site.

But about some of the men who have and who have taken a liking to me….

There are guys who like spanking, girls who want me to join her and her boyfriend (flattering but what I;m looking for right now), guys who can’t spell or string a coherent sentence together, those of few words – "Want to chat?" (how could I resist such a juicy offer??) and those who are just plain stalkerish – if I don’t reply to your first message, I probably won't reply to the ones you send every week after that.

Here is an example…

Spank_me_Red

BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL MAN STANDS A PISSED OFF WOMAN WITH A WHIP!
Whack .... whack .... whack ........ I'm sorry Ma`am ..... ! I know I'm a bad boy ..... !! It's up to You to correct my behaviour ..... !

Your wish is my command Ma`am ! May I serve you and buy you toys and lingerie ? What do you desire ? Need an oral slave ? And then again, Im very handy braaing, washing a car or vacuuming in the nude ... specialy if motivated with a whip !

N.B. Apparently I have a very nice spankable behind !!

He describes his ideal match as:
Someone who wont take nonsense from a guy. Someone who will spank his cheecks until they glow in the dark. Someone discreet and trustworthy. Someone who like to be treated like the Goddess she is. Someone like YOU !

Why would you want to spank a adult guy ? Its a great stress releiver taking your frustrations out on a pair of naked buttocks. AND . You always wanted to see a man squirm and moan. AND . You secretly always wanted to do it !? And you will enjoy a naked man kneeling infront of you. AND . Your fantasy is my mission oh Goddess ! ( Available as naked house slave and waiter for your house party as well.) Non-smokers more than welcome to whip this nasty cravings out of me !

I've been on a few dates… the first was fine, but no spark. The second was probably the MOST boring date I think I have ever been on! And the third date turned into a few more dates, but I haven't made up my mind about that yet… I still feel like there is more out there and that it is all so much more exciting!

And the false advertising is amazing! The gingers (who I have huge aversion to) seem to really like me as well…. this freaks me out!! And they tend to describe themselves as having blonde or brown hair…I think not! And then the chunkier guys describing themselves as "Athletic"… maybe in the world of sumo wrestling? And then there are the guys who really shouldn't describe themselves as "Attractive" :) But bless, I guess everyone is trying to feel good about themselves and trying to find their 'soul mate', so best of luck!!

There are more stories to share, mostly about weird people who (probably for good reason) we don’t usually cross paths with, but who actually make me feel very normal and stable!

‘I’m a 107-year-old virgin’

2010-10-08T09:05:00.000+02:00

Britain’s oldest virgin says her longevity is thanks to her never having sex.

Clara Meadmore recently celebrated her 107th birthday and says she never bothered bumping nasties with anyone because it seemed like too much hassle. Clara says she knew she would stay single from the age of 12 and focused on her career.

“People have asked whether I am a homosexual and the answer is no. I have just never been interested in or fancied sex,” says Clara.

“I imagine there is a lot of hassle involved. I have always been busy doing other things. “I’ve never been bothered about relationships."

“When I was a girl you only had sex with your husband and I never married.” - Daily Voice

Excuse me?? This is by far one of the most confusing stories I've read in a while. I understand that in the (very) old days, you didn't just sleep around and virginity was something to be cherished. But really? 107 years?

She says that she wanted to focus on her career. Fair enough, except that back in the 1920's careers were not what they are now... She could've been a clerk of some sort, a nurse, a teacher or a factory worker. Hardly a high flying career worth giving up sex for!

I agree that sex does sometimes complicate things and once in a while throws life a bit off balance, but just not to even try it? If you're busy doing other stuff, why not throw a little bit of sex into the mix?

Why you would be happy to live for SO long, without the finer pleasures in life, like sex, drinking, having fun and late nights? It just makes no sense to me! Here's bowing out before I hit 80!

A sportsman cheating?? Never!!

2010-10-04T10:40:00.000+02:00

OMG! Another Sportsman has cheated on his wife? Can you believe it? Actually… yes!

Last week, it came out that cricketer Andre Nel cheated on his wife while in the UK. The (crazy) woman told the press all about it when she found out he was married – after their 2 week affair… that's more like a long one night stand in my books, but who am I to judge?

So the story comes out, another girl calls into Gareth Cliff and says she had affair with him (I assume a bit longer than 2 weeks) and the shit hits the fan.

My first response to hearing this was, "why is this front page news??". My second response was "duh!!". He's a man, it's what they do, so again, why is it worthy of the front page?

After the whole Tiger Woods scandal, why are people surprised? The only difference is that if you're a sportsman, your indiscretions make the front page and makes it that much harder to get away with it… and really, why don’t they consider this? I suppose that they aren’t thinking with their rational bits.

What does annoy me though about these men is that they cheat when their wives are pregnant… first Tiger, then Wayne Rooney and now Andre Nel. I think that I SO skanky! They're the ones who did that to her!! YOU made her fat and hormonal!! Take responsibility and deal with the state you've put her in like a man and stop sticking it to any girl with a pulse...

But now, it seems that Andre Nel has tried to "take his own life". I bet that journalist feels kinda bad… Since he made headlines last week, I'm going to hazard a guess and say it isn't an attention seeking ploy. So I reckon it's just so his wife will feel bad and take him back or some weird over the top way to show he's sorry.

Personally I think it's a really cowardly thing to do. Face up to your own mess and deal with it. If you’re man enough to screw around on your wife, be man enough to take the associated fall out and fix it! Don’t 'try' to take the easy way out! Women can see through that crap!

Online dating... the saga begins

2010-09-30T12:23:00.000+02:00

I registered on an online dating website the other day. It's actually quite hard to come up with something about me that sounds good, not pretentious or over the top. And then asked what I'm looking for? I can tell you what I don’t want… sheesh, not easy putting it all into actual words! Lucky for me I got that fancy degree :-)

As part of my profile, I had to put in basic info about myself, generally what I look like, my interests and what I'm looking for, what I will and won't tolerate (like a married, heavy drinker from Brakpan) etc. I have discovered that since there are men involved, it doesn’t actually matter what I want. When I say I want a man who is taller than me, between the ages of 27 and 39 and living in Johannesburg, I don’t really mean a 5.5 foot, bald 50 year old guy living in Windhoek, who can’t string a sentence together!

After a few days of being registered on the site, I actually feel quite good about myself… I have quite a few fans and have received a number of messages. This all sounds fine until you look at the profiles and read the messages. Here are some perfect examples:

"hi there sexy...
Saw your profile and I think you deserve a chance to get to know me. I think we could get along well. If you are interested (which I know you will be). drop me a line, and if you sound as interesting as your profile says I might write back ;)"

… " WoW! This sounds like a damn advert, to sell one's self, but I guess I had to, since you sound so worth the effort. So, where to now? Please reply with your name and number and allow me to fulfill your most intimate wants and needs, dreams and desires. Try me... And brace yourself for the time of your life... Guaranteed!Pls reply with ur name and number as my membership will lapse within a few hours!"

"I must say you drop dead gorgeous........sorry for using a compliment that has possible been used a million times by others but as we get to know each other you will understand my uniqueness....."

But I am not perturbed… I have chatted with a couple guys (it only took me about half an hour to come up with something to say that wasn't too cheesy, over the top or lame.) and they seem ok.

So time will tell… I can guarantee though that I will be posting some of the more bizarre and "WTF??" profiles and messages I get. And naturally post about what kind of (normal) guys I end up meeting and chatting with.

Dinner club...

2010-08-24T10:19:00.000+02:00

My first time at Dinner Club, I went with the Dancing Queen. She only had good things to say after her first visit. We walked in and went to the makeshift bar and the first person I see is a drunk, old (like 60 years old) guy. And this is my first impression… luckily he wasn't there for dinner, but to help out the owner! Apparently the look on my face was quite funny.

We went on a night where the age group was (in theory) 36-42. It was more like us (32 and 35) and everyone else between 40 and 50. I was probably the only there who hadn’t been divorced and we were probably the only 2 who didn’t have kids (a lot of the 'kids' being over 18!). I think people may have been judging me because I wasn't divorced… I could see it in their eyes.

So we sat down and started chatting with the guys at our table. The way it worked was that the women stayed at the table and the men moved. One of the guys who joined us was loud and obnoxious. One of the ladies actually said to him "It's no wonder you're not married!" The way he introduced himself was "Hi, I'm (whatever his name was) and this is my advocate (gesturing to his friend). He just got me off a rape and murder charge." Really?? Where is that funny? But more pertinently, has that line ever worked? We all looked at him with a WTF look and then carried on talking to other people. He also then told us the riveting story of why he gave up drinking (it goes all the way back to Bophuthatswana days!!), what his daughter is doing overseas, how he has so much money etc etc etc… YAWN!!

The rest of the guys were ok, though I didn’t talk much since I didn’t have much in common with them at all and just sat and watched and listened. I really hope I don't end up like some of them... it's a scary thought!

But at least the food was fantastic!

** I have since been back to a 'younger' dinner and had lots of fun and made some good friends and will be going again.

http://www.dinnerclubsa.co.za/

Laurence of my Labia?

2010-06-04T08:34:00.000+02:00

A bit of background… My brother, Drew, and I call each other by 'pet names' such a bitch, whore etc. we recently split the cost of a present and as is expected, Drew paid his half into my bank account. In keeping with tradition he made the payment to "Cheapwhore" and it refelected in my account as coming from Laurenceofmylabia (If you've seen the latest Sex and the City movie, the "Laurence of my Labia" will make sense...).

I had a good giggle the other day when I did some banking and found a payment from Laurenceofmylabia and sent Drew an email letting him know how funny I thought it was. I then received the email below from Drew in response…

"I was at the shops on Saturday and couldn’t find my ATM card. I thought I had probably left it at home but the last time I had used it was at Makro, so thought I would double check by calling the bank to see what my last transaction was. I called the bank and after going through all the security checks he confirmed that my last debit card transaction had been at Makro but then he mentioned that a transfer had been done.

I said that I didn’t know what he was referring to and asked for more detail. I only realised after he was stumbling and sounding very hesitant to explain the transfer that it was the transfer to "Cheapwhore" for R400 from "Laurenceofmylabia"!"

:-)

The art of speed dating

2010-04-19T09:24:00.000+02:00

As mentioned before, I have decided that this year I will try almost anything (relating to dating) once. True to my word, I did some speed dating (http://www.smartdate.co.za/) with my friends Philly Girl and Helen. There were supposed to be another 3 or 4 girls, but I think most of them chickened out :)

So off we went to Primi at Melrose Arch and after driving around the 'centre' a few times, Helen and I eventually found a parkade and made our way to join Philly Girl for a quick scope out of the talent/competition arriving. It looked promising from all sides, so we made our way upstairs.

As there were more girls than guys, the guys made themselves comfortable and the girls rotated every five minutes. This also gave the girls time to sit together for a few minutes to discuss the guys they had met and compare notes and laughs.

All in all, the guys were decent. I started with a ginger gym freak…. A guy I was actually avoiding – ginger is SO not my thing. He went on for about 3 of the 5 minutes about how much he LOVES gym… he has to make an effort not to go 7 days a week and even had to squeeze in a work out before the event. He also told my friends that I had grilled him… huh?? Then there was the guy who was in mops… first person I've ever met who was in the mop business (making them not using them), the guy who had a kid, the journalist who had been dragged there and the guy with the wet fish handshake (though he was still quite a sweet guy). And Charles from Cameroon… in five minutes he told his entire life story, from being born in Cameroon, to moving to Canada with his diplomat dad and then Europe (I think) and then eventually having to flee to SA, or something along those lines.

And then there was Kimon…. Helen and I had met him before at a Dinner Club evening (details to follow at a later stage). He didn’t speak much that night and was quite boring. The second time we met him was no different. I would've had more fun talking to a wall, at least a wall has texture. He said the same things, almost word for word, about what work he was in and about running, his hobby. I was eventually talking (almost to myself) about the pros and cons of dogs and cats. Besides the usual "what do you do" question, he asked nothing. One of the girls eventually gave up and sat staring at him not saying a word. But he did quite fancy Helen. After the event we stood around chatting to some guys and he lurked on the outskirts staring at Helen. Creepy!!

I did meet two nice guys and have been chatting with them over email. I will probably see them again sometime and will have more of a chance to get to know them better.

All in all, it was a fun night. I had 5 guys who were interested in either romance of friendship and I matched with 2, for friendship. This is something that we'll definitely do again and might try one of their dinners or social/dance evenings.

As far as dating experiences go, I think that speed dating is something that singles should try. You can find out quite a lot about a person in five minutes and this is where first impressions are paramount. It's actually a lot like an interview, which it kind of is...

That's one experience down and couple more to find out about! And Friday night back to Giles to see what the hunt will bring this time!

Single in SA - The single, dating world in 2010

2010-03-30T16:21:00.000+02:00

I recently celebrated a birthday (no numbers need to be mentioned!) and as usual took a long hard look at where I am in my lief at the moment. And well, here I am....

I'm in a job a no longer enjoy (reasons not to be discussed here), I am still single (and oh SO bored of it) and time seems to be getting away from me. On the plus side, it seems that the Destiny's Child song "Independent Woman" was written just for me... "the house I live in, I bought it; the car I'm driving, I bought it..."So here I sit, a single, independent woman and i must admit I want something different now. I AM SO OVER BEING SINGLE!

As a result, I am trying to get back into the dating game and will see where that takes me. I thought it would be quite an entertaining series of posts, telling you about the interesting (for lack of a better word) dating experiences i have had over the past few months and will no doubt have in the future!

If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know... I'll try almost anything once!

"Joostgate"

2009-03-19T15:28:00.002+02:00

I've just watched the 'sex tape' that is "Joostgate". It starts with the woman getting the camera ready and then moving into the room where 'Joost' (I'm still not convinced it's him... this guy looks like he has a butt chin) is. The majority of the footage is of her ass, his hairy leg and black sock, set to terrible background music (think Afrikaans music and 80's rock... ugh!). Later in the video, she says that she is not a "hoer" (whore for those who don't speak Afrikaans). But I beg to differ and will prove that she is in fact a prostitute...

1. Her ringtone... shocking! Only a prostitute can get away with such a ringtone! "Suck it, lick it..."
2. She wears a g-string under lacy pink panties. Only prostitutes (and strippers) do this
3. She has a belly chain and has a tramp stamp (seperately, they're tolerable, but together... no)
4. She has at least 4 sex toys in her bag, all different kinds of vibrators, all different shapes and sizes. And that's only what you see!
5. She says she is not a whore... Who you trying to convince?

The 'act' takes place first on a skanky futon and then on the floor. Tacky! If you're going to make a sex tape, do it somewhere classy or at least on a bed or something! So they do some drugs, she talks far too much (thought they got paid to do other stuff?), and there is some sort of action, but nothing worth writing home about.

In the video, you see him in his tightey whitey's and i must say it is quite large... Impressive even! But you don't see the 'nuts and bolts' because a black square seems to follow his member...
Quite uncalled for as they warn viewers and say no under 18's. Doesn;t that mean you can show it all??

And then it seems to be over. My brother and i discussed the video and there is some footage missing. You don't see the actual sex or his butt tattoo. We must've missed it in the missing 3 minutes of the tape...

So all in all i am quite unsatisfied, a sex tape should be a SEX TAPE! They should get tips from Paris Hilton

Oh the horror!

2008-07-08T09:44:00.001+02:00

As you know, it's winter. On top of this I'm single. This all equates to unshaven legs. What is the point if there is no one else's comfort or impressions to take into consideration?

Anyway, yesterday I go off to gym and meet my friend John there for a bit of a workout. I go into the change room all amped and ready. I open my gym bag, pull out my gym pants and look at them wondering where the rest of them went. Turns out I packed short (only used in summer) gym pants. Not so bad… until I remembered I haven’t shaved my legs in a few weeks. Aaarrggghhh!

And I'm not giving up my parking spot at the front of the gym to go home and get another pair! So I suck it up and put them on. Even I was shocked by the state of my legs! I also decided to leave my normal black socks on instead of changing into little gym socks… anything to limit the amount of leg sticking out! So yes, I looked like a huge tosser! I'm too old to carry off a 'grungy' look!

But the worst part is that a girl (I think she was a girl… Amazon woman rather) walks up to a locker behind me and I notice she has a moustache and smoother legs than me! Oh the shame!

In the end I decided to draw more attention to my boobs hoping no one would notice my legs. I think it worked!

Needless to say, when I got home I shaved! It was time….

And in other news, one of my best friends, Sue, got engaged last night! It's been coming and I'm so happy for her!

I will soon be making my own version of "27 Dresses"….

Drama, drama, drama!

2008-07-01T16:14:00.001+02:00

Why do people need drama? What is the point of making things complicated and seemingly out of control?

I know we are all prone to a bit of drama, (I have been known to get quite dramatic when i tell people I am going to start riding a bicycle to work because of the high petrol prices) after all it makes life a bit more exciting and sometimes helps get your point across, but ALL the time? Doesn’t it get tiring?

We all know people like this who blow things way out of proportion. Is it just me or does it get very old very quickly? Is it worth the effort?

I once knew someone who thought everything was a huge drama. Almost every word that came out of her mouth was either negative or venting with a lot of huffing and puffing thrown in. The smallest thing, good or bad, would be blown out of proportion into a monster of a problem, centring around her. She would go on for days about this alleged injustice that had the potential to ruin her entire life or until the next bit of unfairness came along. Such a cruel world!! A classic example of making mountains out of mole hills. And no, it’s not about you! (Watch out for sarcastic comments)

I think it's just easier to just go with the flow and vent and perform if the need really arises, like when you drive into the back of someone by mistake or lose a toe in a freak skiing accident. Now that's drama worthy!

Sigh… I just don’t get it… it makes me tired just thinking about it.

What's Karma all about?

2008-06-25T15:31:00.000+02:00

I am a firm believer in karma. It's everywhere… that much is obvious (to me at least). But my question is… what the hell is up with mine??

I was the lucky witness to a very fitting "what goes around comes around" in about April. Someone who (refer back to the totally crazy posts I have written in the past – when the happy pills were letting me down… that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!) hurt me last year, got it back threefold. Yes, that's right, threefold! The first time I heard I found it extremely satisfactory! The third time I heard of the same thing happening to this person (who seems to be a sucker for punishment) I was a bit bored.

But it all got me thinking that perhaps my karma was turning around and that I had a clean record again after the hurt I had caused over the years (though I wasn't fully aware of it at the time, or didn’t want to be). Alas, it seems this is not so! Maybe good karma has passed me by or has just given up on me?

Someone I know who I have recently discovered has been lying and been doing all sorts of bad things has met someone great and is super happy. So where is karma here? Don’t you have to do good and be a good person to get it back? Kind of like a reward scheme… I am very confused! I like to think I do good and have calmed down a whole lot and mended my bad ways. So? Where is it? Huh? Huh?

Maybe if I donated a kidney…?

Who invented spam?

2008-05-07T12:41:00.003+02:00

Luckily, we have a spam filter at work. Every day at 12:00 we get our Quarantine Summary, with the emails that don't get through.

Sometimes it is stuff that should be getting through, like daily newsletters or email from people whose addresses seem suspect. But inevitably most of it is crap.

Some examples of email I have been sent include:
Gain your true length easily
Try and you will be pleasantly surprised
Bring joy and happiness to your bed - new bed linen?
Get a monstrous-sized pecker now - Monstrous? Could be worth a look...
Give her a rockin time
Plunge your meat into her - Um... no thanks!
stronger ejaculations - So you can make her hit the ceiling... literally?
Don't be embarassed by the size of your manhood - if you respond to this, you should be embarrassed!
Pink, wet and tight - i don't think they're talking about clothes...

So there's a little bit of everything for, well, men.

But do people actually try these things? Do they work? How desperate do you need to be?

Things I just don't understand

2008-04-17T09:45:00.002+02:00

I was sitting in traffic for 1 1/2 hours today - the main traffic lights were out - and started wondering about certain things.

First, if there is a queue of cars, rolling down a hill (as I do every day), do you think we're there because we don't know better? You'll always find someone who isn't used to this traffic who will do a U-turn and try a different route usually through the suburbs. But, the reason we stay on the main road is that there is no such thing as a short cut in peak traffic. It just means that you have to tolerate the same traffic, in a different setting but with more stop streets. Eventually you're going to end up on the same road and probably further back than if you were just patient.

Secondly, why do people get upset when in the left hand lane a taxi stops in front of them? This is what they do! It is to be expected! If you're driving behind a taxi, it will stop. So why get upset, hoot and make a performance, if you know it's coming?

Thirdly, why are people allowed to get away with blatant child abuse by making their children wear Crocs?? It's bad enough that adults actually choose to wear them (and decorate them with 'jewellery') but why must they make their children wear them?? I know that children don't always know better and don't have much say up to a certain age, but why abuse them like this? What happened to the days of just dressing your children the same? Believe me, when they're old enough they will hate you for the Crocs incident!

There are far more things I don't understand but these are the ones that really stood out this morning.

Load shedding

2008-04-10T14:33:00.002+02:00

I am at work, waiting for the effects of the latest load shed to wear off. We have load shedding twice a week between 10am and 2pm. Not the most convenient time for the biggest business centre in the country, but who said there was any reasoning behind the timing by Eskom?

So due to this phenomenon, we have a huge generator in the basement. A generator that overheated and burnt out! I was in the middle of a video conference that still had another hour and a half to go, so luckily that ended!
It did give us a taste of what other businesses in the area go through, when we don't even notice the switch over from Eskom to generator.

But now the other side of this is that they load shed in my area from 6pm to 10pm. Yes... prime TV time and a time where you need electricity to do most things!

I experienced this load shedding at home for the first time last Thursday. I was bored out of my mind after 5 minutes, after which I proceeded to try and irritate the hell out of my cat. Another 5 minutes down... 3 hours 50 minutes to go.... luckily, I had book club to go to!

It happened again on Tuesday evening. I then had an excuse to get pizza (wood-burning ovens are awesome!). The DVD shop next door was also open... how does that work?? But after eating and talking crap with my housemate and a quick shower, I still had 2 hours left... so i did some work on my laptop! So sad! Bored enough at home at night to do work. Sigh....

The next load shed is going to be on Saturday evening. Guess I'll be forced to go out, to ensure I keep my mental faculties in tact.

Suppose I should find something to do that doesn't require electricity to keep boredom at bay... but what??

Goodbye 20's, hello 30's!

2008-03-25T09:44:00.001+02:00

I went to the Coke Fest on 21 March, a perfect way to see out my 20's and see my 30's in. As it happened, I turned 30 at the Coke Fest, during Korn (not my ideal band, but there you go).

We arrived in Alberton at about 1:00 and parked waaay down at the end of the racetrack. Luckily for us, the weather turned out well and we got a bit tanned as well.

While Gareth (Natalie's boyf) spent an hour and a half in the bar getting beers to quench our thirst, we (Natalie, Geraldine and me) sat on the grass and watched the people. Shew! There were some freaks! Being a rock festival, I guess it's par for the course. There were the usual Goths, plenty gingers, huge bodybuilder types and girls in next to nothing. I don’t know when last I saw so many tattoos either! Good lord! It's amazing what people will put on themselves!

There was also a marriage proposal on the big screen, which was very touching and got lots of aaahhhs and cheers from the crowd.

There were also those whose manners left a lot to be desired! People throwing up all willy nilly where they sat, guys peeing into cups and pouring it out onto the grass. Things like that, I do not need to see!

The concert itself was awesome! We had Golden Circle tickets. I had to fight the urge to run past the non-Golden Circle people giving them the finger and calling them cheap.

One of the highlights was seeing Jared Leto up close. We were at the back of the circle but he decided to run through the circle and climb the dividing fence behind us…. He is breathtaking! I also got the meet Khan from the Parlotones and Joel Madden form Good Charlotte.

The bands were fantastic! I loved Good Charlotte, who were the main reason I was there. Chris Cornell and Kaiser Chiefs were also great!

After about 6 (or more) beers and little bit of a joint (Hey! I was celebrating the end of an era!) I was happy, relaxed and loving life! I also kissed a boy because it was almost my birthday and well, I deserved it! Oooh and I managed to score a set of devil's horns!

A great time was had by all! Until we had to wait an hour and a half to get out of the racetrack and then got stopped in a road block on the way home. It's really amazing that it only takes R50 these days to ensure you don’t get arrested!

So after a fun filled day and night, with all sorts of excitement, I am now ready to settle into my 30's… I think.

A quick catch up

2008-02-26T09:20:00.003+02:00

I have decided to do a quick recap of the last month or so now that things have calmed down a bit on the work front (thank god!!)

First, the family went off the Zanzibar for a week to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. We had an awesome time! It is a gorgeous island and the people are incredibly friendly ad the culture and architecture is wonderful. The only downside is that it is a very popular couples and honeymoon destination…. And people assumed that my brother and I were married. AWKWARD! We relaxed, scuba dived and got fantastic tans and of course ate far too much! I even learnt how to weave a hat out of palm fronds! So Survivor! (i've added some pics below)

A couple weeks after my return, I was off to Cape Town for work. I was there for the gigantic power failure, where we ended up driving all the way to the northern suburbs for food. We had a stand with some African firms at the Mining Indaba. So after two days of schmoozing and going on about how fantastic our firm is, I was all mined out! And those mining people are a whole other breed!

While in Cape Town I saw my friend Kerry again. We have been friends since we were about 6 and had a fantastic time as teenagers! We were very naughty but in a good way J. I haven't seen her for 3 years, after a bit of a falling out, that I guess was due to happen after so long. She is now 6 months pregnant and very happy! It was awesome to see her again! I think I may also have mellowed in my old age, so things seem to be back on track.

Then it was back to Joburg and the biggest client event of the year… the Budget Breakfast. This happens the morning after Trevor's budget speech and we host about 250 clients. I am so over lists of people and seating plans, it isn’t even funny! But all in all, the 16 hour days paid of and it was a huge success!

So here I am catching up on the things that I have put on the backburner for the last month. It actually feels weird not to be getting irritable and feeling very overworked. But it still feels good!

Other than that, not much else has changed. I still spend 45 minutes in the traffic every morning reading The Times or doing the You magazine crossword or surfing Facebook on my phone.

I shall write again soon about the weirder things that have happened to me in the last couple weeks. This post is getting a bit long.

... and it's 2008!

2008-01-09T02:06:00.000+02:00

Time flies! I can't believe it is already 2008! I am definitely hoping for a year that is better than 2007 was.

So here is a quick recap of my last holiday in Palm Springs. We had good weather, hence the tan, has some rain and some vicious wind. I was on the beach all morning if the weather was good and slept most afternoons.

I drove around the town with my dad the one day, i guess having a last look, because the only reason to go to East London is for Palm Springs.

The locals are really fat and generally inbred (well the ones we saw). The 'locals' of Kidds Beach were also a bit on the special side. One night while we were at The Barn, they cut a beach buggy fuel line, stole our number plate and let some friend's tyres down.

All in all a good time was had! On my second night there, my friend Kent arrived and we went off to the Barn with someone we met named Jackie. After a few vodka's and making friends with all sorts of people there, one being from JHB (and who looked familiar from the club circuit) we decided it was time to go swim in a heated pool.

So, off we drove. We snuck onto the property, climbed a fence, removed the pool cover took most of our clothes off and proceeded to spend the next hour relaxing in someone's pool.

This may the holiday where i have broken the most laws!

1. Driving under the influence
2. Trespassing
3. Breaking and entering
4. Indecent Exposure

Then add (with my dad):
5. Poaching mussels

and i think this just goes to prove that my holiday was quite a goodie!

Enjoy 2008! And remember.... just don't get caught! :)

And the year is almost done

2007-12-20T11:11:00.000+02:00

I was looking back at my first post, that included some resolutions. It's now time to see how well i did!
Be healthier - this went relatively well. I got back into gym, though have been a bit slack this month. I have also lost weight, so I'm happy with that! Though i wouldn't mind losing a few more.
Buy a new car - DONE!
Have something that resembles a relationship (longer than 4 months) - Um.... resolution not achieved, in the slightest, though i still somehow managed to get my feelings hurt and my heart a bit bruised.

So while on holiday, I will see if i can come up with anything worth mentioning.

I leave for East London again today! Wooohoooo!!! I am very excited! 10 days of relaxing, no worries and not too much spending.

Hopefully the weather will be good, so that i can get some quality beach time. Otherwise, I will have my laptop with me, with the latest series.

I hope everyone has a fantastic festive season and a fab new year!

Catch you in 2008! Here's to a great year and more good karma!

How to get your friends to hook you up with the girl of your current dreams

2007-12-19T08:03:00.000+02:00

This is the conversation that will apparently hook one of my frineds up with another friend, who he took a liking to on Facebook.

* Names have been changed, so as not to scare her, should she read this :)

Loulou : How are you?
*Blondie: Fine thx and you?
Loulou: Im all good - btw i know this frikkingly awesome dude which I know you will like and he says he would like to get to know better :)
Blondie: Who?
Loulou: * Wolfie Smith
Blondie: Im in love already...
Loulou: Wicked! I'll set you up.
Blondie: Dont worry - just give me his phone number and I'll do the organising myself - can't let a catch like that loose!
Loulou: You won't regret it!
Blondie: I'm sure - hot tantric sex here i come!!!

I'll keep you updated about whether it works or not.

The excuses men give….

2007-12-11T04:15:00.000+02:00

I was sitting on the beach in Cape Town the other day (as you do) letting my mind wander…. I decided a great blog topic would be “The excuses men give”. And believe me, there are some pearlers! Having been in the dating game for 15 odd years, and with the input of my brother, I have come up with my own top 10.

Number 10

I think we are good together and can make it work but you’ll need to first change a couple things about your personality

Number 9

I might be moving to Malaysia. This was said in an email…

Number 8

I don’t see a future for us. What? Are you a psychic?

Number 7

I want to settle down but I don’t think you’re right for that.

Number 6

It’s not you, it’s me. This is a very popular one! It really means it’s not me, it’s you. I've used it a few times myself. When I do, it means you irritate the hell out of me and if I spend another minute with you, I am likely to seriously abuse you, or pull a muscle from rolling my eyes so much.

Number 5

There’s no connection. I'm sorry? Are you an electrician? Have we crossed wires somewhere along the way?

Number 4

My ex has asked me to go back to her (even after she slept with my best friend and father), so I’m going to see if we can make it work this time. Sure... good luck with that!

Number 3

I want to concentrate on my career - as a barman?

Number 2

I don’t want to ruin the friendship.

AND…. Number 1

I just want to be single. I'm not ready for a relationship. Things are very complicated at the moment and I need to sort things out. But here’s the reason it’s number 1… it also means “give me two weeks and I’ll have a girlfriend”

So what is the point of these excuses? I would prefer the honest approach. If there is a reason, just tell me without bullshitting! Most girls I know prefer this because the truth is easier to understand and deal with than some ridiculous, already-heard excuse.

Unless you can come up with an original, believable and mind-blowing excuse, why bother?

Oh! And feel free to add some of the good excuses you've had to endure in the comments bit!

I apologise....

2007-12-10T04:00:00.001+02:00

I apologise for going on as I did in previous posts… I fear I was delusional and probably temporarily insane. That really wasn't the usual me and it scares me that I can become that person...Eeewww! :) It happens!

After a reality check, and some disappointing conduct by someone I thought worthwhile and out of the ordinary, I would like to say that I have thankfully come to my senses and promise to revert to my more fun and cynical self.

Here’s to a more fun future! Cheers!

Brazilians are fun!

2007-12-07T11:48:00.000+02:00

Before I went to Cape Town last week, I decided it was time to get a brazilian. I have been going for bikini waxes for ages and become used to the pain. Though I suppose it is skin that sees the light of day a bit more than the rest.

So off I speed to my appointment after work. My mother had forgotten to give me the message to take Panado’s before, to lessen the pain. Oh well…

I get there and take it all off. It started out fine, with the usual areas being waxed… not too bad! Yet…

When the time came to take everything off form the ‘undercarriage’ I must admit I was a bit nervous. Though I think the distraction of talking to my beautician, who is also a friend, was ideal. The pain actually wasn’t too bad. I think I got frights more than anything. And I do admit that the hot wax actually felt kinda nice. A different feeling but a pleasant one nonetheless.

After much pulling and manoeuvring, I was done. I did end up with a rather large blood blister underneath, but that disappeared in a day or two. And of course I had to get used to the feeling of wearing underwear. And I admit that it felt really nice, all that smooth skin…. Reminded me of the first leg wax I had. The difference is that it isn’t frowned upon when a girl feels her newly smooth legs.

And of course it is worthy of showing off to other people! Though not always the full show.

Is it all about timing?

2007-11-21T10:10:00.000+02:00

I have been pondering. This is not a good thing!

My question of the moment is this… Why is it all about the timing? In the past, I was the one who wasn’t ready or I didn’t know what I wanted. But now I know exactly what I want but can’t have it. The reasons for this aren’t 100% clear (and not from my side) but are the standard ones. The ones I have used. The ones I have decided to work around.

The friends I have spoken to about this have informed me that I am catch and any man would be stupid not to try. I tend to agree. I think I have a lot to offer. So why is no one taking up the offer? Why are all the personality challenged people not having a problem? How do they go from one to the other as if it is the easiest thing?

I think that it should be easier somehow. I have been playing the dating game for about 15 years now. And still I haven’t got much to show for it. Sure there have been a few relationships that stand out and probably could’ve been something more, perhaps if the timing were better? But alas, here I sit with not much of anything to show. I suppose it could be said that rather play the field than settle for someone who wasn’t right or who wouldn’t have worked out in the long run. But seriously!! How long do I have to wait? I’ve paid my dues, I’ve done the time, I’ve dated the assholes! Come on already!!! I need a bit of a silver lining! Just a smidgen!

Why is it that now that I have finally figured it out, there is nothing to celebrate with and no reward? Is this karma still biting me in the ass? How much more bad relationship karma do I need to work off?? It is just getting frustrating now!

So my thought now, is what do I need to do to get what I want? Is it worth it to fight so hard? Or am I just wasting my time and energy on someone who isn’t really worth it? Maybe there is a better guy out there, who has just that one extra thing to offer? How in the hell are we supposed to know?? Where are the signs?

I guess the plan of action for the time being is just to go with the flow and I suppose that if it’s meant to be, it will. Hopefully the effort is worth it! After all, I only have another 43 years to live!

23 work days and counting!

2007-11-15T11:39:00.000+02:00

23 more working days until I go to the coast for my December sabbatical at the lovely resort of Palm Springs!

But even more exciting than that is it’s only 2 weeks until I go to Cape Town for a long weekend, in the company of 2 good (looking) guy friends and a guaranteed good time (unless either one of them has PMS)!

My friend of 14 years, Warren, recently moved down to Cape Town so once again, I have an excuse to go down. He also stays in the CBD, which is awesome because it is SO much better than the Joburg one and actually safe to walk around and they have squirrels!

And I am proud to say I am steadily losing weight so I should be looking a little better by the time I hit the beach. But will be almost beach ready for Palm Springs, assuming I won’t be able to afford food in Cape Town J As long as I can afford cocktails….

So all in all, it is looking up and the festive season is pretty much upon us! WOOOHOOO!!!

Well, back to work, it makes time fly!

You wear what to gym?

2007-11-06T03:23:00.000+02:00

I went to gym yesterday, as you do when attempting to get ready for the looming beach season.

It was all good, I cycled my ass off (unfortunately not literally) and got ready to go home feeling very good about myself.

And then I saw it…. A guy coming out if the change room, wearing… wait for it… bright luminous pink poly shorts, a grey vest that didn’t really cover his boep and two bright blue knee guards! What an assault on my tired eyes!

It seemed that everyone else was just as speechless. I wasn’t the only one staring or giggling. Good lord! I hope he’s toned it down for today!

And why do they still even make poly shorts or actually sell them to people who are clearly not athletes or going to be running a marathon? I once saw Heinz Winkler wearing them, while stretching on a railing…. We waited for his package to pop out so we could point and laugh, but alas, this did not happen. Sigh.

How to start your own cult

2007-11-01T11:55:00.000+02:00

My brother and I have been toying with this idea for a while now. It seems like a quick and easy way to get rich and be adored for no good reason.

So, how does one go about starting their own cult?

There seem to be no female cult leaders. I think I can use this to my advantage! I see a gap in the market… One step closer!

I watched the series on “Killer Cults” on the History Channel. It seems that the following are necessary:

1. You need to be UGLY! And I don’t mean a bit, I mean very!
2. You need to have very bad hair, the frizzier the better
3. You need to have bad eyes. This either results in you looking like you are unable to open them or gives you a reason to wear big old fashioned glasses.
4. Your personal habits need to be questionable along with your dress sense.
5. You should believe you are a sex god and that women actually want to sleep with you. Sex also seems to be a reason or a common thread with most cults. What better reason to engage in group sex with all sorts of people than to do so within a cult?

I have looked up this whole cult thing and I think my brother and I should start a ‘commercial’ cult. This means we get to sell arbitrary stuff (like books, DVD’s, branded underwear) to people and therefore make money off it! There is also the choice of the ‘religious’ cult, though neither of us are religious and I think Rhema has cornered that market. I would like to get on Ray McCauley’s bad side! He’s got crazy eyes!!

We would then have to offer ‘exclusivism’ as a way of brainwashing people into giving us their money and worshipping us blindly. We would promise membership to our exclusive and fabulous circle, much like an exclusive nightclub. And we may even give them cocktails too.

A few other mind control methods caught my attention though. Things like time control. Does this mean that work is actually a cult? Are they controlling our minds?? I guess so! Another is a strict reporting structure, where you can’t trust anyone not to run to the ‘leader’ and rat on you…. Again, this sounds very familiar!

After looking at the list again, it seems my brother and I will need to make over the image of a traditional cult leader. Be gone bad hair and giant glasses! We will start a far trendier and fun cult! Only good looking, rich people and lots of cocktail hours!

Wheel of Convenience?

2007-10-26T00:37:00.001+02:00

On Gareth Cliff's show, they have been running a competition called the "Wheel of Convenience" by Janssen Cilag for their contraceptive patch.

So you spin the wheel and win prizes that are supposed to make your life easier. Things like a butler for a day, a PA for a day or a chef for a night.

What i was wondering though is, if i did win, what the hell would i do with a butler or PA for a day?

I work all day, so have no need for a butler and don't really have a huge house that would warrant a man servant. And honestly it would freak me out a bit having someone there to do all sorts of stuff.... kind of like a freaky shadow or something.

I don't have too many things like bills and stuff for someone else could sort out (since i like it done my own way and only i can really understand it) or too many chores to run or kids to do stuff for or look after.

The chef, i could enjoy but how much notice do you get? And do you have to buy the ingredients or is it a package?

So say i won a butler, do you think i could trade him in for cash? That would be SUPER convenient for me!

Sexercise

2007-10-25T10:55:00.000+02:00

I have started getting back into gym again. I really need to since beach season is almost upon us. I am going to Cape Town for a long weekend in a month and we will be spending a lot of time of the beach. Clifton in particular, where all the skinny models go. I do not want to be the beached whale! And i don't want to cause waves of nausea for the person I will be there with (or be very unfavourably compared). But at least I have big boobs, that can be quite distracting! :)

So I've gone back to gym. I am very stiff, but i like it! it feels like I've done something. I was talking to a girl i know at gym and she was commenting on the fact that even though she goes 5 days a week, she doesn't feel like she's getting anywhere. Her weight, fitness and toning has plateaued. I tend to agree, you get to a certain point and short of becoming like a freaky body building chick, that's it!. Though i would love to plateau where she is!

We then started talking about how sex is great exercise and you can notice a difference if you're getting it a lot. It really helps with weight loss and toning! But alas, neither of us are getting it!

So i was thinking.... why don't they offer this service at gym? Apart from the obvious prostitution angle, i think it would be a viable exercise option! Almost like having a personal trainer. They would be very busy and would attract lots of clients, thereby increasing the company profits. There could be sexercise sessions, like tan can sessions. And of course you wouldn't run the risk of getting into a relationship because it is purely business.

I don;t think that single (and this doesn't include those who have friends with benefits) people should have to plateau because they aren't getting laid. We should have ALL kinds of exercise available to us, especially the ones that work the best!

So i say, bring on sexercise as part of the gym contract! And i'm sure they can work out the Vitality rates to go with it! And i promise, i'll work out every day!

Big Weekend!

2007-10-19T03:41:00.000+02:00

I (and some girlfriends) have decided boys are morons!! They are totally clueless! Boys are stupid, throw stones at them!

I no longer have a crush. It all got very irritating and quite tiring. I am tried of trying to get things going and always taking the first step. Men are NOT supposed to play hard-to-get!!! What is that? That's for girls to do! (This only reinforces my belief that men are becoming women....) So I have given up. ...sigh.... His loss :)

But i can report that my vow of celibacy is going very well! It's going so well that I have stopped counting the weeks. My brother broke his though, lucky bastard!

My daddy comes home today, from climbing Mount Everest. So i am guessing we will have loads of pics to go through and lots of stories. He has been away for a month. It's the longest he's been away and i think my mom is about to go a bit mad and let the single life go to her head, so thank god he's almost home! and hopefully with some awesome pressies! I will try get my dad to guest blog with the highlights of his giant journey.

Tonight, i am off to the Amstel relaunch party, which should be super fun! I am then OBVIOUSLY watching the rugby tomorrow! I am SO excited!! I remember my first World Cup Final... i was still young and innocent :-)

And that is about it. WOOOHOOOO!!!!

And things keep on going....

2007-10-09T03:34:00.000+02:00

At the moment, I am quite content. I am a bit bored at work, but doubt that will keep up for much longer. I should really just make some more work for myself.

It has been raining for the last 2 weeks (or thereabout) and I am really starting to miss the sun! If i wanted this weather, i would be in London! But alas, I know the sun will be back and with a vengeance! Very exciting! Though the rain isn't the worst thing, I was ordered home yesterday afternoon so that I would miss the HUGE storm that was coming. I got stuck in traffic and only got home at the usual time. But it was in time to save my washing from the drizzle. Quite a storm I tell you! It was very disappointing, I was hoping to see (not get in the middle of) a tornado. But again, i have been disappointed.

I seem to also have come out of my self-imposed hibernation. I'm almost fully booked for the rest of the year! Farewells, weekends away at a spa, rugby, birthdays and a trip to Cape Town to end it off. Naturally though that means trying not to overindulge, while losing weight and finding the energy to go to gym. It's not easy, but someone has to do it! Otherwise there is absolutely no way i am going onto Clifton in anything short of a burkha!

What else.... Ooh, i have a crush on someone! Yes, i know i may be too old for that, but it's oh so fun! Of course he probably has no idea (men never do! Why is that??) and i doubt would make a move if he did (men are also very chicken these days.... why is that as well??). I would say that no matter how 'empowered' we become, men should make the first move. So that is my little secret (though i suppose not so secret to those who know me well).

I also went to a psychic... it was awesome! I got a lot of positive stuff out of it, though with the necessary and expected bad news. So if it all comes true, things will be going very well for me! Except for a funeral thrown in.

And that's about it for my little update.

I did try and get my boss to order me home again today on account of the Post Office strike, but he didn't fall for it...

Sexpo!!!

2007-09-28T11:29:00.000+02:00

Last night, I went to the Sexpo with my brother. Yes, we do these things together and laugh our asses off!

We hopped in the car and drove off the Gallagher Estate in the pouring rain. After an hour or so of traffic, we arrived! We ran through the rain dodging puddles to join the other die-hards.

The first thing that caught our eye when we walked in (besides the good looking boy with a toight bum) was the “Stud Butler”. Let me explain…. It is a half dummy man that holds a dildo and moves backwards and forwards. He stands about 60 cm high and wears a tux (or gown should you wish) and has 3 interchangeable “attachments”. It also folds up into a nifty carry bag. He is remote controlled, has different thrusting speeds and a tilt option as well…. And it’s FREAKY looking!

There were also people in willy and boob suits walking around. The willy got tackled and couldn’t get up again…. It’s so sad when that happens…

THEN there was Pricasso. They guy who paints portraits with his willy…. Seriously!!! He was wearing boots and a hat. And using his willy as a paintbrush. Dipping it in paint and using it to paint portraits. In the serious discussion that followed, we decided that it was probably very desensitized, prone to infection due to paint getting up and probably a bit stretched too, though we couldn’t figure out what kind of paint he used…. (see below...)

There was also a Randy Rodeo. Instead of the usual bull that you ride, it was a giant cock. And by cock I mean willy.

There were a lot of sex shops, which are always fun to browse! And the DVD stands!? Hell, some very interesting covers and titles. Why do the girls always look a bit upset or uncomfortable on the cover? I thought they enjoying a cock in the face? The best title we saw was “The Da Vinci Load…. The Truth will cum out” hahahaha!! And some were SO shocking! We almost lost our lunch because of one cover, but I really can’t think about it!

And naturally, there were the sensible stands… AIDS, contraception, choices for women etc etc. The AIDS stand was interesting…. Free (and hopefully not the damaged) condoms, postcards, date rape prevention booklets (??) and a chart of sexual activities and their risk factor re AIDS….. apparently fisting and rimming are medium risk and any kind of sex is high risk. Kissing is no risk and so are toys (I guess they assume no one shares). And we learnt a new word/act! Dipping… we initially thought this was the same as tea-bagging, but it is actually another word for playing “just the tip”. See… it was also educational!

I also got whipped, played wiht a cat 'o 9 tails and tried out a cane on my brother... such fun, though i don't think I'd take it home.

So that was the first Sexpo in SA. And I would SO go to the next one!

Daily Dose of Madness! 17 September 07

2007-09-17T03:13:00.000+02:00

Today’s Daily Sun is a goldmine!! Good lord!!! The crazy people are back! WOOOHOOOO!

“ZOMBIE TERROR!”

The Nkabinde family say there life has been turned into hell by a zombie – a young girl who died and then joined the living dead.

Apparently while the ‘journalists’ from the Sun were at the house, notes from the zombie mysteriously appeared. There was also a bottle of Fanta that was full when they put it in the fridge but only half full when they took it out! The zombie admitted to drinking the Fanta in her letters. Scary huh!? A zombie with a conscience?

The zombie also puts bones in their (the Nkabinde family) beds and threw vegetables at them. They need help…. And i don;t mean from the zombie!

“ATTACKED BY SEXY GIRLS!”

This man provoked a group of 13-14 year old girls by calling them little prostitutes. To punish him, the girls dragged him by the pants into a house, threw him on a bed and threatened him with a knife… and used him for sex!

According to the Daily Sun, “One by one they climbed onto his naked body, rubbing their thighs on his sex organs! But the sex attackers did NOT take off their panties!”

After the girls released him, he reported that he had been raped. The next day they were caught and whipped by people in the community.

Right.... a man was raped by a bunch of girls with panties on and also couldn't fight them off? Couldn't or wouldn't is the question....

Ahhh.... and the world seems crazy and right again!

Eeewwww!!!!

2007-09-14T02:23:00.000+02:00

This is just a quick one.

I ahve recently noticed how many people don't use tissues to blow their noses!! it is REVOLTING!! Whether it is just on the street, in the shower or on the sports field. It's totally gross man!

It isn't that hard to use a tissue! Or is it only 'classy' and well raised people who use them? It's common courtesy! And they keep your hands clean....

6 years on....

2007-09-13T03:22:00.000+02:00

It occurred to me yesterday, on the famous 9/11, that I have been single for almost 6 years now. This time 6 years ago, I had a fantastic boyfriend and was very happy. I remember smsing by boyfriend, who was in a diving course, to tell him about the World Trade Centre while I was watching the second plane hit.

6 years….

There have been ‘boyfriends’ in between but I don’t think they would fit the proper classification. Usually, they were of a more casual nature, assholes or just not into the whole thing, and the same could be said for me.

So I was thinking about whether this would continue for another 6 years. Will I be in the same position when the 10 year anniversary comes around? What if I am? What then? I will be in my 30’s and surely should at least have a serious relationship behind me. Isn’t that the way these things work?

Though perhaps if I am single, I can catch the second round of guys - those who have had long relationships or been married and divorced? Of course there is always the danger of baggage…. kids, bitchy ex wives, and possible irreparable damage caused by all these bad relationships. And I don’t particularly like damaged goods! But don’t get me wrong, everyone is damaged in some way, it all depends on the degree.

So, I think I may have to resign myself and buckle down for another 6 single years…. Though you never know, with all the natural disasters and freaks of nature and global warming going on these days, me settling down may be included?

PINK!!!

2007-09-11T00:17:00.000+02:00

I went to the Pink concert at the Dome on Sunday night, with my brother. It was AWESOME!! It definitely made my top 5 as far as concerts go.

We decided we had to go Golden Circle…. Who wants to mix with the riff raff of society? It turns out that Golden Circle isn’t as special as it used to be, considering almost anyone can get a credit card these days! But we had fun nonetheless.

One thing we did notice is that there were lesbians EVERYWHERE!! And I’m not talking about ‘lesbians’ you see in the ‘media’. I’m talking big, scary dykes and their bitches. Like my brother said, it looked like a Lesbainian Convention! So many brush cuts! There were also lots of sweet little gay boys running around… Not something you see that often in Joburg, unless you’re at Gay Pride or a QC party.

(And i am not alone in this.... most people i know who were at the concert commented on this) and (NO... i am not homophobic, just making an observation)

But back to Pink. She is gorgeous (I can see what the lesbians like), she has a fantastic presence and she is quite funny! She is entertaining and she sounds the same as she does on her CD’s, which is unusual these days!

So all in all, it was an awesome night and worth every cent!

Boobs cross the sexual preference divide...

2007-08-29T05:22:00.000+02:00

This last weekend, I went to my brother's birthday COCKtail party.

True to form, there were about 20 gay men (at least 13 of whom were GORGEOUS - such a shame!!) and 10 straight women. The one thing we all had in common.... an appreciation (though not necessarily aesthetic) of the DICK.

It was inevitable that conversation throughout the house would be about men, their bodies, action concerning them, assholes that were dated and men who were good at what they did. It seems to me that gay men talk about men the same way straight men talk about women. It's all quite shallow.

But this leads me to the fact that I think gay men miss boobs. There may be something Freudian in that, but they really do! Whenever i go to a 'gay' party, i am almost always guaranteed to be felt up. And no, I'm not complaining!

The last party i was at, i got more than my boobs felt! In all fairness though, my jeans zip had broken and i had (naughtily) decided to go commando that night too. I ended up with a gay/bisexual guys had down my pants just to make sure.

At this party, my Wonderbra was examined closely, my boobs squeezed a bit and then my bra was sneakily undone. Now, i would never let a straight guy go this far, but what's the harm in letting a gay guy get a bit of a fix? At least they actually have the guts to try and not make it seem sleazy!

So from now on, i'm going to stick with cheap thrills from gay men, there is so much less admin and it really is a bit of a desert out there at the moment!

And it's kind of like doing charity work :-)

Time has flown!

2007-08-17T03:54:00.001+02:00

WOW! I can't believe that the last time i posted was 5 July! Good lord! I can honestly say it doesn't feel like over a month has gone by!

So... what's been happening? I have been in hibernation for most of the time (that excludes the time i spend working my ass off!). I currently consider my self lucky if i leave the office before the sun goes down. I seem to have become like my father when he worked at a big corporate, though i only have a cat to upset, and it's easy to get back in their good books.... you just feed them and scratch their ears. Hhhmm... almost like a man... easy to satisfy :-)

During the last month i did go away for a long weekend. My brother and i went off to Crystal Springs Mountain Resort, near Pilgrims Rest for a few nights. We did the touristy sightseeing during the day and then sat by the fire and drank loads of wine at night. It was fantastically relaxing! We even partook in some unnecessarily illegal herbs. Just what we needed!

My love life is nowhere at the moment, but that's fine because i hate shaving in winter. I'll get back into the whole game in September. Mr ATNA went and blabbed some information to people who didn't need to know, so he is no longer in the good books. And he has some annoying habits.... so he's turfed. Sorry for you!!

One of my best friends is getting married in a month and i am, naturally, a bridesmaid. So there is a bit of work involved there, but it's all fun and i have the experience.

Facebook has been blocked at work, and it TOTALLY sucks!! I mean, what the hell??? I need to socialise and keep up with the world in general, but no one at work believes me when I say it is an essential marketing tool.... sigh....

And that's about it. I will hopefully write soon again. I keep getting great thoughts and ideas, but time just runs away from me and i end up without any free minutes to get anything down.

I have a new addiction....

2007-07-05T09:49:00.000+02:00

I have discovered the Series. That is the series on my laptop that can be watched at any time (this includes lunch time) and that has no adverts. I am addicted! I get home, watch a series while my food is cooking, before a series on TV that I don’t have starts. I have finished Greys Anatomy 3 and it is awesome! I watch How I met Your Mother when I have less than an hour to spare. I am almost done with Lost and looking forward to Heroes.

I must say that I still watch some TV and may even enjoy the odd advert. Though most of the time I marvel at how the marketing department or advertising agency actually let the advert get into the public domain and especially onto national TV. It’s not the cheapest advertising medium, so why waste your budget on crappy ads?!

Bad adverts are a big reason why I won’t use certain products. I refuse to shop at Morkels (are they even still open??) and won’t use Colgate toothpaste with Propolis (damn beaver!)

Being in marketing, I just don’t get it! We don’t have the hugest budget, compared to some of the bigger corporates so maybe that is why we don’t mess around with frivolous advertising. But still, why waste the money? Why hire these useless advertising agencies? I know form specialising in advertising in my degree that being super creative and clever (yet simple) is very hard. So why not leave it to those who can do it? Why must we suffer?

I think in future adverts should have hot half naked men, baby animals or extremely clever lines. No more cartoons like the Vodacom meerkat and Pick ’n Pay airtime ads!

If not, I will continue to save series from Philly and watch TV on my laptop. Seems I’ll be spending more than 10 hours a day with my pc.

Not much to say...

2007-07-02T04:43:00.001+02:00

Well, it's been a while since I posted.... i guess i don't have too much to say at the moment.

So life has been going on as normal.

It has been cold and then not so cold and then cold again.
The guy in my office let a HUGE one go earlier.
Mr ATNA is back on the scene again.
I am still disillusioned by men in general and whole dating scene.
My oldest (and by that i mean the longest known) friend is pregnant and it is very exciting news. Though it is also a bit sad, because I suspect that I am not one of the first people told (as it would've been in the old days) and I will probably have no involvement aside from receiving photo updates via email. But alas... this is what happens. I am nevertheless very happy for her and her husband and think they will be awesome parents!

And that is all i have to say for the time being. Quite boring, i know....

I am going to be on my way now, going home to snuggle with my cat and get warm... screw gym!

Laduma!!!

2007-06-21T11:54:00.000+02:00

Last night I went with some work colleagues to the exhibition match between Sundowns and Barcelona at Loftus. It was super fun!

We left our offices in Sandton just after 6 to drive to Pretoria. Almost 2 hours later, we arrived, in a very eventful manner! We hired 2 of the new style taxis. This means that you get to drive like a taxi. We flew down the emergency lane most of the way to Pretoria. I can tell you, people were not happy! But what are they going to do?

We were supposed to meet someone at the One Stop above the highway in Midrand, who had been on the highway about 30 minutes before us. He was still stuck there when we arrived…. Seems we passed him? So after a quick ‘comfort break’ we sped off again.

During the stop we picked up a CD. It was the Zimbabwean version of “Go Shortie, it’s your birthday. We’re gonna party like it’s your birthday…” Think gospel choir with an African accent, singing 50 Cent. We listened to it all the way through Pretoria central. I can’t describe the looks we got from outsiders.

We parked in a garden somewhere after a very tight squeeze between a car and a wall and then a car and a tree and much squealing from the girls in the taxi. We arrived at the game about 10 minutes before kick off, in our yellow and green hard hats. Good for spotting people in a crowd! After much pushing and attempted pick-pocketing, we got into the stadium. It was packed! The seats were all unreserved. It isn’t easy finding seats for 30 people! So we stood at the fence.

Sundowns scored in the first 2 minutes and that set the vibe for the night. There were vuvuzelas everywhere. It is very impressive what some people can do with them! The supporters all have some kind of vuvuzela ‘song’ going, that sounds awesome when 20 000 people get started. It sure sounds better than plain old clapping!

Barcelona scored towards the end of the second half. Ronaldinho did some fancy footwork for the crowd and they went crazy when he was substituted.

At the beginning of the second half, the security guards came out. We had the pleasure of 3 women standing in front of us. They looked very down and out and worse for wear. Like life had been terribly hard on them and they had been drinking in the sun for the last 15 years. The one in front of us was freaky! She kept staring at us girls with a scary look in her eye… thank god for the fence!

After the game, we went back to the taxi and found we were parked in by 2 taxis and a couple cars. We opened some beers put on “Shortie” and got ready to wait. After about 20 minutes, they moved and we were off back to Joburg. The traffic was quite bad, they do road works on the highway at night. After a bit more yellow line driving we eventually got back home.

All in all, a good night. Though I still prefer rugby… it’s more physical and they wear tighter shorts.

Damn traffic fines...

2007-06-20T03:27:00.000+02:00

I am busy at the moment, writing a letter to the JHB Metro Police to contest a fine they gave me. I’m not saying it wasn’t me or that I wasn’t speeding, I’m saying they got the address wrong. I was not speeding where they said I was, so I'm not paying for it! It is quite a delicate process, this letter writing…. I don’t want to get cheeky or sound too intelligent or ‘legal’ but still want to get my point across which is “If you want my money, get it right or kiss my ass!”

I have also come across an article about the changes that are going to be made to the traffic fine system. I have noticed the giant roadblocks that have been set up lately, that close off 3 of 4 lanes on main roads in Sandton, creating pure mayhem. Apparently, they can pull you over, you can pay fines there (or be arrested), they can issue warrants of arrest and check all your details. They even have plate recognition machines!

Luckily I have a new car, so they won’t recognise the number plate. If I could just get a new ID number, I’d be home free!

I have noticed lately that there are a lot more cops on the roads. There is someone sitting permanently (well, I’m not sure about nights) on Sandton Drive. They have an area cleared out, a stool and a plastic bag there. But what I don’t understand is that they sit there trying to trap in morning peak hour traffic. This is the traffic that traditionally doesn’t move much and you sit bumper to bumper? How do you speed, especially over 70kms an hour? I suppose you could wait for all the traffic to move forward and leave an open stretch and then floor it, but you probably still wouldn’t be worthy of a fine. But if it makes the cops feel better just being there, then so be it.

They are also installing a lot more permanent cameras, at traffic lights. Gone are the days (early mornings) of light-jumping. I do find these cameras very entertaining though. I find it immensely amusing to see someone go speeding through and the camera flashing. It’s especially funny if the camera has been there forever and most people know about it, like the one on Sandton Drive or the one at Brightwater Commons.

From now on I am going to drive at a reasonable speed and try my best not to get any fines in the next few months. It’s just too difficult to talk my way out of them….

Blind faith?

2007-06-19T11:52:00.000+02:00

This story of the Virgin Mary has grown! As has my consternation and disbelief.

The story was on Carte Blanche on Sunday. And seeing some of it made me even more sceptical. Seeing the people involved didn’t help either!

Word around the water cooler (from people who grew up in Benoni) is that the family is a bit dodgy and they have quite a reputation in the area, though this seems to be a common thing where some Lebanese families are concerned.

So I ask you, is this a ploy to make the family look better? Did you see what her brother-in-law looked like? Looked like a bit of a ‘breker’, someone you would never mess with, unless you were completely drunk and suffering from “short man syndrome.”

A psychologist on Carte Blanche said the following: “There could be a degree of histrionic acting out on this. But given the bits of information at hand, I would believe that it's a fair reality for her. Unless there is such an attention-seeking behaviour as to feed into a certain religious need that gets expressed by the family.” So she’s a bit crazy and delusional? Why has she not been put under some sort of observation or had some sort of treatment, just in case?

I personally think this is a result of the fact that her clearly better looking sister won the Miss Lebanon SA pageant and went to Lebanon to compete and came in the top 3 in that competition. People keep going on about how pretty her older sister is and how wonderful she is. Must really suck living in her shadow.

And now she is making people blind because they are staring into the sun to see the virgin…I wonder if she can heal the blindness she’s causing? Seems she isn’t even taking responsibility for it….

According to IOL, “Amal Nassif believed 17-year-old Francesca Zackey when she said the Virgin Mary would appear if Nassif gazed into the sun.Now 37-year-old Nassif, a devout Catholic, may be blind for life.

Now she says at least four other people also damaged their eyes after being told "the lady" would spin the sun and confirm her presence to her believers.

However, Zackey says Nassif's problem is not her fault and that she is praying for the woman. “

Is this what they call blind faith? Is it worth it?

I think I'm dying!

2007-06-14T05:39:00.001+02:00

I've been booked off from work for the rest of the week! I have flu and bronchitis. I've got 4 different medicines and had a Voltaren injection in my bum. It wasn't as sore as i remember!

So i'm spending the next day in bed or watching movies on the couch.

Perhaps I should pay a visit to the girl who saw the Virgin Mary in her room at her parent’s house in Benoni.

As you know, I am not religious. So this story doesn’t really ring true for me. First off, she’s a teenager…. Who believes a teenager? Secondly, she is now not letting the press in anymore. Why not take advantage of the free publicity (for the sake of Catholic Church, who are in desperate need of supporters), even if it is intrusive. I mean, The Pope gets involved in this sort of thing and all sorts of other, literally, holier than thou people. Why not use it to push the catholic cause?

I want to know why she was the one who was ‘chosen’. If I were the Virgin Mary (yes, this is purely hypothetical) I would appear to someone who was on the border of non-believer. Of course I would be doing this to prove a point and say “Huh! Told you so!!” Wouldn’t that achieve more than appearing to the already converted? I suppose that would be why I’m not a deity or whatever (and I’m also not dead).

I was listening to the interview with her on 5FM and it just didn’t sound right or believable. Her stories are not in line iwht each tiher. She said that the Virgin told her to see people for 10 days (the 7-17 May, though she told the papers it was for 7 days…hmmmm….) but yet her story has only gone public now more than a month later. And her house is still open to strangers aka believers. She aslo said that the virgin appeared in May in one newspaper and in June in another paper. So, which is it? Why so shy all of a sudden?

Also has she been home all this time, missing school? What kind of deity would think it’s ok for someone to miss out on their education, especially during exam time? Unless the Virgin Mary is a civil servant?

But what I can say is she is a homophobe and doesn’t believe in equality! “She cried about abortions and gay marriages and told me this was not from God” WTF?! And after she said “I love all my children”? Huh? She needs to get her story straight! What’s next? Every woman deserves a good beating?

Either way, I am not converted but maybe after another bottle of cough mixture, I may feel different? Bottoms up!

Wooohooo!!

2007-06-12T02:18:00.000+02:00

I have discovered a fantastic way to spend lunch at the office. Watching Sex and the City. I feel very relaxed and ready to finish off the day. All you need is a bit of distraction….

I am also in a much better mood than I have been in recent times. I am (theoretically) getting my new car today and I am being kept comfortably busy at work, so time is flying. And I have some Bob Marley going on…. All I need is a big fruity cocktail!

I think a big contributing factor is the fact that my brother and I are going to the Durban July! YIPPPPEEEE!!!! It is going to be so much fun! But what to wear…?? I’m not sure if this fits into my new budget, but if I win money on the horses…. We are also going to be staying right across the road from the racetrack, so that’ll be fun and easy! It’s really just a matter of finding a way to get there. Flights are a bit expensive at the moment and it’s a long drive for a weekend. But in all fairness we do have a lot of fun on these road trips.

Wooohoooo! It’s gonna be a fun weekend!

A call to all men...

2007-06-11T01:31:00.000+02:00

GROW SOME BALLS!!

I am sick of men with no balls! This generally includes all men (except my dad, I'm a daddy's girl!) they can’t say what they really think and for some reason think that us girls can’t handle the truth. WRONG!

Seriously, why do you think the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” is a bestseller?! It’s because men are pussies! I would like to offer some advice… Just say it like it is! Sure, it’ll bruise her ego a bit in the beginning but it’s better than stringing her along and letting her down even more at a later stage. The quicker it’s done the less damage you cause. It’s really not quantum physics!

If confronted by a girl (and your balls have disappeared) and give an ‘explanation’ such as “I’m not ready/ Give me a month/ Let’s take it slow” etc, you may be worth considering (from her point of view), should there be absolutely nothing on the horizon but I am now of the opinion that these guys aren’t.

I am especially of this opinion when a guy gives such an explanation and then acts in an entirely opposite manner with some tarty looking ho. This is when I say “KISS MY ASS!”. Guys like that are just not worth the hassle or the time. If they can insult you like that, who knows what they would be capable of down the line? I wouldn’t want to stick around to find out!

So, the moral of the story is they as a guy you should be upfront and say it like it is, as soon as you get the chance. This will actually get you some more respect in the long run.

And on a final note, I am throwing in the towel. I am done. I have been playing this “game” for 15 years now. I am tired.

But don’t get me wrong! Should someone fantastic come along, I may re-evaluate. I just can’t keep dealing with the guys I mentioned above! It’ll take a lot more to get me interested.

So this is a relatively disillusioned girl saying I am done with the dating game and I need to find a new hobby.

P.S. PLEASE no soppy, “inspirational” or heart warming comments. I don’t need them and may lose my lunch! Thanks!

Still AAARRGGHHH!!!

2007-06-07T01:42:00.000+02:00

I am still incredibly irate! And that irritates me! I don't like feeling like I am on the edge of totally losing it and taking it out on someone i shouldn't.

But here's the thing.... i only feel like this at work. Imagine!!?? I think i am alone in this :-) This week, when i walk into the office, i endeavour to make sure i am in a good mood. But within 5 minutes of opening my email, i am irritated again. And it just escalates during the day.

It seems this is a cyclical thing. You can go for ages enjoying work and not letting anyone get to you, but then all of a sudden... BANG... you want to make blood flow through the passages and run around screaming and holding someones head up high! Or just give someone a poes klap!

So i am now taking a much deserved mental health break. I am also going to spend the day with my earphones in, listening to soothing music like Guns 'n Roses with a spot of Jamiroquai thrown in.

This better be over by Monday, i don't think i can take another week of this! People must sort out their attitudes and stop bothering me with arb crap!

Here's to another late night at work and 1 more day until the weekend! WOOOHOOO!!!

AARRGGHHH!!!

2007-06-05T10:59:00.000+02:00

I am irritated. I am grumpy and people are pissing me off in general. Work is not the place to be when I am in a mood like this.

At work, there is little control over how others behave or what they do. There is also not really anywhere to go to remove yourself from an annoying situation. To top it off, I have a 2 hour committee meeting! And they are never fun, since I am the minute taker and therefore have to concentrate for the full 2 hours (my attention span is questionable). Though we do get sandwiches…

I have decided to use this post as a bit of a vent about things that irritate me….

The first one is WINTER. I am all dried up and flaky, the sun is only up at 7 and down at 5 and I can’t get out of bed in the mornings. This leads to being stuck in traffic. People are rude. They don’t let others in…. I try let at least 3 people into traffic every day (building up good karma) and taxis don’t count. If everyone was a little more courteous traffic would be so much easier and bearable!

Secondly, people who give you a job to do, where you have to use your own discretion and make decisions and then second guess it and eventually mess it up and tell you what they actually wanted and you were supposed to know this via osmosis. I just want to do something different and shake things up a bit so we aren’t stuck with the old, boring and mundane same old, same old!

Thirdly, people who are rude and people who never have anything good to say and who are unnecessarily critical. If you are rude to people in the service industry, they aren’t going to help you out, they are going to be even slower and give you more attitude. (I know, I worked in the industry for years as a student). My granny always said “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. I try and abide by this, though it is hard. And there are people who REALLY should! They spout negativity about anything they can think of, like a black cloud. It brings me down and grates me. There comes a time where you have think to yourself “Wow, I am being SO critical and negative, perhaps I should shut the hell up for a while?” I know I have! Eventually people are just going to avoid or ignore you… and then what?

That is my vent. I will endeavour to snap out of this mood or at least fake smile my way through the day. I am having dinner with a friend I haven’t seen in an age so there is something to look forward to.

And thatS I all I have to say about that….

Fun Day!

2007-06-04T01:34:00.000+02:00

On Saturday, I helped my dad out for another Rotary event. It was a Fun Day for handicapped people, at Forest Farm. It is a highlight on the Sandton Rotary calendar.

A lot of people have asked me how I can do it, because it is so heartbreaking. I must admit that for the first 10 minutes, it is. It is a bit disconcerting seeing people who are physically adults but mentally children. Under normal circumstances and with ‘normal’ people, they may seem threatening and too touchy, but taking all the circumstances into account, they are just friendly people who like to meet anyone new.

Their happiness and enjoyment of the games rubs off on you. The heartbreak is over and you just enjoy yourself. It is an amazing experience. They are a community and everyone looks out for everyone else. They have their cliques and girlfriends and boyfriends, just like any social group. All it takes is a couple minutes to listen to someone to realise they are really quite normal and understand what’s going on.

My dad got roped into pushing a huge guy around in a wheelchair for the day… he was easily the size of Victor Matfield. It was extremely entertaining! He even did a potato race and the egg and spoon race (my dad pushing the chair up a hill and the guy (Walter) sitting with the potatoes and egg in his lap. Good training for Everest!

But the highlight of the day was the Harleys. They come every year and are a hot favourite! People who have difficulty walking will run to greet them. They take people on the back of their bikes around a field. This is where you will find the biggest smiles! And of course, boys with their arms in the air showing how brave they are. Typical! I took a couple kids (naturally) to wait for their turns and reassure them that it would be safe. You should’ve seen their faces!

I would have to say that this is one of the most satisfying, feel-good things I have done in a while. The 5 minutes of heartbreak are forgotten and replaced with that warm fuzzy feeling (I still feel it!) It’s also a highlight on my calendar and I’m looking forward to the next one.

...Sigh....

2007-06-01T01:48:00.000+02:00

Thank god it's Friday! It's been a quietish week for me and i haven't had nearly as much as sleep as i would like. And for no good reason either....

It has been a week of teeth. Not mine, those around me. Philly had a wisdom tooth taken out this morning (sans general anaesthetic!!) and Mumsy also had a tooth removed after much drama and tears. They are (i hope!!) both in la-la land, thanks to the wonders on Myprodol.

Wish i was there now.... i HATE being on the brink of boredness!

I have the blog address!!

2007-05-29T08:58:00.000+02:00

Wiht regards to my previous post, Shugapaige sent me the address of the scandalous blog!! And of course I have been on to it! WOW!! SCANDALOUS BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS!!

I mean look at the people who are on this!! James Small!? (No wonder he used to fight so much... feeling a bit insecure?), Barry Ronge and Nataniel (Duh!?), a guy who is now an Independent Democrat (no wonder Patricia de Lille wants to censor blogs!), Andre Schwartz (Phantom of the Opera... i wonder if he used to wear his mask?), Leon van Nierop (writer and movie critic - yes, another one) and Chris van Niekerk, who plays Francois on 7de Laan.

So needless to say, I began the day wiht big eyes and shocked gasps! It definitely woke me up!

http://samaleprostitute.wordpress.com/

Does anyone have an address for this scandalous blog??

2007-05-28T01:35:00.000+02:00

I came across a very interesting and totally scandalous article in the Sunday Times yesterday. The headline is "Male hooker names top ‘clients’". It was about a South African ex male prostitute who has had many famous male clients. He is now naming and shaming them on his blog.

"Rent boy provokes howls from prominent men by describing their alleged kinks on the web

SEVERAL prominent South African men have reacted with shock and outrage after being named as “clients” by a male prostitute in his sexually explicit Internet diary.

The former sex worker promises, in his online blog written in Afrikaans, to name 50 famous South Africans who paid him for sex.

So far he has named 11. They include a politician, former Springbok rugby player, singer, actor, television presenter, journalist and a prominent Afrikaans church dominee."

And of course they don't give the name of the blog!

So now i am dying to know who this is and where I can find it!!

So, if anyone knows, let me know! I need some skandaal!!!

The end of a mini series... thank god!

2007-05-25T02:03:00.000+02:00

This is the final story in my little mini series. I leave it until last because it is the most recent and it is also immortalised in Sex and the City - Season 6, so i am not alone!

I met this guy through a friend about a year before anything happened. He was definitely my type and those who know me, know what that is. So anyway, we bumped into each other at a club, had a few shooters and again, one thing led to another. (Must stop drinking shooters with guys)

So we were getting it on and things were going as usual. All of a sudden, he picks up the pace to ridiculous speeds and to quote SATC, went at it like a Jackrabbit! powpowpowpowpow....

As is to be expected, i hit my head a couple times on the wall behind me, and thought i was going to be sick. You know when people ask "Do you smoke after sex?" I had to check because i was sure that with all that quick friction, something was going to catch alight!

Not even telling him to slow down and relax worked. He would for a little bit and then just resume "jackrabbiting"!!

After a while it was thankfully over! But i then realised to my horror that we had driven in my car as he didn't have his with him that night. So, not only did i have terrible, back breaking sex, i was also stuck with the guy for the remainder of the night and had to be civil to him the next day. Not fun!

And now my question is this.... Who are the girls that tell these guys "This feels good and this is how girls like it!!"?? WTF?? That is SO wrong!! All these men thinking they are total sex machines when in actual fact they don;t even have the moves of an epileptic grasshopper!

I prefer not to say anything (only if i have to lie) when a guy asks whether it was good and if i enjoyed myself. That's when you smile and say "It was different to anything I've had" NEVER encourage them!

And another thing, how do girls stay in relationships with these bedroomly challenged men?These boys should be kicked out on their asses and told to read a book!

So a word of advice... If the sex is bad, call him on it and sort that shit out! It's just not fair that us girls have to put up with REALLY bad sex, even if it isn't that often and they do make good stories.

It could be worse!

2007-05-24T09:50:00.000+02:00

This is today's 'bad' sex story... I need a break from all the horrible shags.... The stories are giving me a twitchy eyelid :-)

Berlin - A German couple had to call out the fire brigade after tying each other up in chains - and then losing the key to the padlock.

Jochen Ranstett, 56 and his wife Maria, from the town of Weiden, dressed up in leathers and chained each other to their beds, but lost the key during the romp.

After hours of trying to free themselves they finally gave up and called for help on Jochen's mobile phone.

He said: "It was so embarrassing. We just wanted to try something a bit different and we ended up with this."I even had to be taken to hospital because my wrists had swollen so much from trying to get out of the handcuffs." - ananova.com

The bad sex continues….

2007-05-23T11:04:00.000+02:00

This second guy is ‘affectionately’ referred to as “the Wanker”.

I met him at a friend's birthday. After many drinks and scintillating conversation, we decided to go back to my place. (Yes, a bit of a slutty move, but after all the shooters, it seemed like a good idea)

So, things progressed as they do. The next morning I woke up (still a bit drunk) with some weird movement going on next to me. After a minute or so it dawned on me that this person having a bit of a wank, in my bed, with me next to him, trying to sleep!! My first reaction was “If you mess on my duvet cover, I’ll kill you!”. He then says to me that if I kiss him it’ll go quicker! Can you imagine!!??

Needless to say, I kicked him out very quickly and sent him home.

Bad sex is… well… bad!

2007-05-21T02:12:00.000+02:00

I have decided to do a bit of a mini series about some of my terrible and extremely funny bad sex experiences. The stories are a hit with my girlfriends, so I thought I would share a few of the better (or worse) stories. This is the first….

Let’s start with “5 second Bob*” (*names have been changed)…. We have known each other since we were kids. We never really got along but were mildly civil when we did see each other. Then we hit the teenage years. We tried to make something work, but alas it didn’t. A few years later, when we were in our early 20’s, things got heated again at a bar after a few drinks (as is prone to happen!).

So we decided to go off to a more secluded spot and get it on. So we assumed the position and got things going. After literally 5 seconds, I got an apology in my ear for being done and therefore unable to continue (I would give more detail but my parents don’t need to know them!). What a let down! After all the years of to-ing and fro-ing it ended just like that! So of course I gave him the pleasure of my first reaction (I am not one to use too much tact), “Just take me home!” and that was that. I got out the car, gave him the raised eyebrow and never looked back.

We have remained friends (or something close) since then. A few years ago, we went out for a drink and an opportunity to see where things stood, both of us being a bit older and more mature. But after a terrible kiss, and I actually mean after having my face licked (apparently that was a kiss??) I decided to cut my losses, make up a lame excuse and get myself the hell out of there (and call a friend to laugh about it)! You see, I am a firm believer that the way someone kisses gives you some insight into how it will be when it comes to the crunch. I was NOT going to risk another bad shag!

As they say, no sex is better than bad sex!

Update

First off, the guy I testified against a couple weeks back was found guilty and is spending another month in jail. He was also found guilty of a second offence (not sure what) and got a suspended sentence for that. Woooohoooo!!

I am getting back into the swing of socialising again, after feeling blegh and unsociable for some time. Though I would still like to spend weekends under the blanket watching DVD’s, but that’s mostly because of the cold.

People are insane!

2007-05-18T04:01:00.001+02:00

I know this post is a bit late, but things have been HECTIC! Finally, some down time... and almost time for a quick drink in the pub!

Yesterday morning, I had to be at work just after 6am. Being almost winter, this is a time when the sun is not up yet and it is still rather chilly. I drove to work with 2 jackets and a scarf on, with a cup of coffee. I was also wearing my night driving glasses! Can you imagine?!

Waiting to cross William Nicol into Sandton Drive, I saw a very bizarre sight, made more bizarre by the fact that I am NOT a morning person and was still trying to wake up properly. Down Sandton Drive came a swarm of small flashing white lights....

Turns out it was some sort of cycling club taking a bit of a morning bike ride. There were about 30 of them all turning into William Nicol with flashing lights on their heads. Weird man!! They were like a swarm of fireflies on bikes.

What would possess someone to get on a bike at that ridiculous hour and go cycling around Joburg? I could almost understand doing it in summer, but not before sunrise in winter! WTF?? I have promised to ride the 94.7 this year (I'm taking bets about whether i actually will do it and actually finish it) and i can tell you that you would never catch me on a bike that early, in the dark, going for a casual training ride around the city!

Absolute madness i tell you!!

Daily dose of madness -17 May 07

2007-05-17T00:24:00.000+02:00

"DON'T POKE DOGS!"

Yes, they mean it THAT way! "This must stop... people should have sex with people and dogs should have sex with dogs, said a magistrate!"

Apparently men are now having sex with dogs, and I mean actual dogs. Seems goats are no longer as attractive as they used to be.

The magistrate says, "I'm not impressed by the increasing number of people who are bonking animals". (Yes, she did use the word "bonking)" It is too much to have two bestiality cases in the same court. "There are many women who need men, but you choose to sleep with a dog!" This apparently carries the sentence of 6 months imprisonment or a R3 000 fine.

WTF?? What ever happened to taking matters into your own hands (so to speak) or finding a real human girlfriend? They really can't be all that hard to find! Or even to find yourself a prostitute? That's what they're there for! I'm sure you could negotiate a good rate!?

Picture of the Tokoloshe!

2007-05-15T02:18:00.000+02:00

A picture has finally been taken of the Tokoloshe!!! This is (apparently) very exciting! I must admit that it is very scary looking (more so in colour) and i would totally shit myself if i came across one camped out in my cupboard (though it would probably be hard to see at first). It reminds me a bit of a crusty E.T.

Here it is....

What a weekend....

2007-05-14T01:07:00.001+02:00

It's Monday AGAIN! We should do away with them!

This weekend was a lot more relaxed than previous weekends! No puza face, which is always good!

On Friday i found out that my counterpart in Cape Town (who was up in Jozi) had tickets to the semi finals at Loftus! So Saturday morning we drove of to Loftus to pick up the tickets. There were already Bulls supporters set up, with braais and beers at 10am. It was then back to Jozi for the German School Bierfest.

Just before I was leaving for the Bierfest, Honey (my cat) caught a mouse. I tried to rescue it. When i picked it up, it bit me! I eventually lost it, after much fighting wiht my cat to let it go, somewhere in the kitchen... so who knows where it is now because a body has not been presented to me by Honey.

I fear i may be outgrowing it... very sad. It wasn't particularly exciting or full. At 3, i sped off (within the legal speed limit of course :-)) again to Pretoria. Luckily we got parking on a pavement a block from the stadium!

Once inside the stadium and outer stadium, it looked like a Smurf convention! There was blue everywhere! And unlucky for me, without thinking it through, i had a blue shirt and tracksuit top. But not in Bulls/Smurf blue.

After watching the Sharks game, it was into the grounds.... and guess what!? it was even more blue. I also felt like i was in a foreign country because of all the fast-spoken Afrikaans flying around.

So we stood around near our seats, so we could limit the amount of time wedged into a capacity crowd. And did we see some strange things! Apparently they only have bad hairdressers in Pretoria. Popular hairstyles for women include the "Mushroom head" and the bad krissy perm. For men, it's bleached well coiffed hair, with dark moustaches, and of course the ever popular mullet, in varying styles. Scary!

We had good seats! We were on the try line, 2 rows from the front. The Bulls warmed up right in front of us and Daniel Carter was also very close (mmmm... Daniel Carter...)

And then.... Steve Hofmeyer came onto the field!!! What a porn star! good lord! His hair is more styled and blow dried than mine (and i was at the hairdresser on Friday)! He sang that F*CKING song "Liefling". I had never heard the song before... and i NEVER want to hear it again! They play it every time the Bulls score and lucky for me they scored... that's 9 penalties!!! AAaRRRGHHHH!!! And they also play his "Ek is a Bull" song whenever there is a chance to breathe....

But Steve and the 'songs' aside, it was great! the atmosphere is unbelievable, seems they always support the Bulls, unlike other team supporters.

Now we have to decide... Sharks or Bulls? Bobby and Percy or Victor and Bakkies???

Harley Day!

2007-05-10T05:07:00.001+02:00

On Sunday, Rotary Sandton hosted a KIDS day, wiht Harley Davidson at Montecasino. The purpose was to raise 'funds' for childrens homes. The bikers and any other bystanders were askd to buy blankets that would be sent to these homes.

So i arrived at Montecasino (after a jumpstart from Phillygirl, yes, 2 girls jumpstarted a car!) and waited... At about 10:30, they started arriving. It was spectacular sight and sound to behold! Over 500 Harleys pulling into the area, one after the other, all shiny and loud.

I must say the bikers are nothing to look at but the bikes are another story!! See the pics...

All in all, it was a very successful day, Rotary sold a couple thousand blankets and all the bikers got to show off their bikes and have breakfast at Monte.

Update on an update

2007-05-08T05:19:00.000+02:00

Mr ATNA can go STICK IT!! Seriously, once is just not right! That's is commonly called teasing... and they say girls are teasers! I think not! I say NO!

So I will now endeavour to not be taken in by these types again! I'll let you know how this works out....

It’s the law…

2007-05-08T01:49:00.000+02:00

I spent yesterday at the Randburg Magistrates court. I wasn’t the one in trouble (though most people assume I was), I was there to testify against a guy who stole my handbag 2 months ago at Sandton Square.

So arrive ready for a day in court, with my book (no sense in being bored!). Everyone sits outside on the very uncomfortable wooden benches, looking at everyone else, with suspicion, trying to figure out why they are there.

At 9:00 we all go into the courtroom and the first case is 2 guys, of about 18, up for Assault (probably a bar fight, over a girl), the case is dropped. The second case is dropped. The next few cases, the accused all plead guilty. There was a guy there for fraud (the changed the price tag on a shirt); 2 ladies for shoplifting (1 for R6 500 worth of luxury goods, another for R60 worth of food); a man in for possession of dagga (114 matchboxes, and guess what… he’s self employed – this had the attorneys and magistrate giggling) and a guy who trespassed. And then there was the case I was there for….

The accused refused to plead guilty, even though he didn’t have much of a case going for himself. There were huge discrepancies between his statement and ours that they were laughable. So we got comfortable (well as much as you can when your ass is going uncomfortably numb) and prepared for battle.

I was called in to the witness stand that had a hole in the middle of the floor. I was sworn in “So help me God”. I assume this is not to be taken literally… what if you’re Muslim or a non-believer? Does that mean you’re free to say whatever you want, with no religious consequence or hell fire? Anyway, I gave my testimony and I think I did well. The Legal Aid lawyer was quite good, but so am I! J the only hiccup was I tried to leave the stand twice, when I wasn’t supposed to… oops!

The Security guard who arrested the accused gave his testimony. He was also quite good, and I think together we did very well! Then the accused took the stand. He lied and changed his story so many times that the court translator told him to stop lying and get it together. I sitting in ‘Sun City’ for 2 months gives you time to come up with some interesting stories. This guy then decided he could prove he was actually looking for a job and not stealing my bag, by going to find his friends who could be witnesses for him. As if! And that’s when I left…. It really wasn’t going anywhere and the judge was leaning our way.

And that took up 7 hours of my day, though I did get paid R20!!! for my effort!

Jews for Jesus?

2007-05-04T01:04:00.000+02:00

First off, WTF?? Am I the only one who finds this to be a very conflicting phrase? Surely you're either you’re Jewish or Christian? How can you be Jewish but believe in the New Testament and the (so-called) saviour/messiah? THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!!!

Let me just say that I am not judging either of the religions and that I believe in neither. I am just trying to get my head around what I see as the one of the hugest contradictions I have come across in a while.

Ok, so they are Jewish people who believe in and worship Jesus. Does this not make them Christians? Would calling yourself a “Jew for Jesus” then be a clever branding tool? Is it your way of not being Jewish but letting people know it’s ok to change your religion (should you be Jewish)? Can people who covert to Judaism then be called “Christians no longer for Jesus”?

From what I understand as well, they get to ‘celebrate’ the Jewish holidays as well! So you kind of get the best of both? Christmas and Hanukkah, Passover and Easter… what a pleasure!

I also had a look at the website (they advertise on bus stops in Sandton) and it really doesn’t answer my questions. But something I found most entertaining (or strange)… naturally they sell stuff, such as books, T-shirts etc. One book caught my eye….

Betrayed! by Stan Telchin
What's the worst thing that can happen to a successful Jewish businessman? Perhaps it's a phone call from his college-age daughter, telling him she now believes in Jesus. A loving father embarks on a quest to reclaim his "lost" daughter, and in the process, finds his Messiah.
"Few testimony books have presented the case for Jesus to the Jewish people as powerfully. This is a must-read." - Moishe Rosen, founder, Jews for Jesus.”

When I read this, it seems that ‘finding the messiah’ is the equivalent to telling your parents that you are actually a man trapped in a woman’s body and will be having gender reassignment surgery, in time to be ready for the big family Christmas lunch. I don’t think they though about all the possibilities….

And can I just add that there are no good looking people on the website. I have also had the pleasure of driving home from gym behind a person who advertises Jews for Jesus (I assume he is a missionary) and it was excruciating! Took me an extra 10 minutes to get home!

I am still confused.

Welcome to Ex Island...

2007-05-03T11:03:00.000+02:00

I went to Bikram Yoga last night, for the first time. It was a good way to pass the time whilst getting some good stretching in. I am quite stiff all over today. It’s been a while since that’s happened but it still feels good!

The thing with Bikram yoga is you do yoga in a heated room for 90 minutes. The positions are different to the usual Hatha yoga (no downward facing dog and all that) but they still work. The heat is bearable and you can almost imagine you’re on a beach in Thailand (without the sand and cocktails).

I was sitting outside waiting for the class to start, with Phillygirl, and guess what!? I saw an ex! Now this in itself is not a new thing. They are EVERYWHERE!!

I would generally expect to bump into exes at the gym, beer fest or at a bar, not so much a yoga studio. And certainly not this ex! We had a rather intense relationship, on and off for about 4 years, starting in Std 9. We alternated between being in a relationship and being friends. Eventually we lost contact. He played rugby, drank, smoked and generally got into trouble all the time. Now he does yoga everyday, gave up ALL the bad habits and is probably a vegetarian as well. WTF??

But this all brings me to the question…. Why the hell are my exes everywhere? The simple answer would be “Because there are so many!”. But seriously! WHY!!?? Whenever I go anywhere, I have to scope out the crowd to see if I need to avoid anyone. It gets quite tiring. And my neck is getting sore….

I think they should all be shipped off to an island. Though to be honest, a good portion are already on one (yay the British Isles!). A vast majority of them should be married with kids and staying home or doing couple stuff like hanging out with other couples, at braais and the like. They should NOT be out socialising in my areas and social circles.

So if you’re an ex of mine, off to the island you go!!

Why would you live in the Free State??

2007-05-02T10:10:00.000+02:00

I am back in the office after 5 days off work.... It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

The long weekend started with Thursday night out with a couple boys from work and bouncing from bar to bar, meeting incredibly strange people on the way. On Friday morning I woke up with a cold in full swing, hoping I could quietly die! Saturday, I was feeling better when I woke up before sunrise to go to the airport for my flight on a little 32 seater to Margate. It was quite fun and the scenery from a lower altitude is very pretty.

We landed at Margate to be greeted by people lining the runway, taking photo's of the landing plane. Now I thought Margate was a bit on the boring side, but coming out to watch the flight from JHB arrive?? Turns out there was an air show on.

It was a good holiday. I spent time with my brother and 6 of his friends. We perved a lot over the boys at San Lameer. At least I have an age limit and won’t look at anyone younger than 20! I also met up with a friend and his wife who I haven’t seen in a couple years and caught up over a couple vodkas.

We spent an afternoon drinking vodkas, looking at the beach of Southbroom from a deck. Then we drove to the Crocodile Farm for crocodile burgers and waffles. So all in all... a good break.

But the real fun part was the trip home.

During the trip we kept ourselves entertained by looking at the other motorists… WEIRD people! I took pictures of them. For some reason people don’t like getting their photo taken while driving…? I also think a large number of these people are from the Free State, which would explain quite a lot.

On the drive back to JHB, we were talking tp people who had left earlier and were updating us on the state of the roads and toll plaza's, in particular the Wilge Toll Plaza, where they were striking and the queue was 4kms long.

This led to a detour through the Free State... we turned off the N3 somewhere before Villiers and drove towards Frankfort and Oranjeville and eventually Alberton. It was brown and flat… The road was one lane and straight. (See picture below) I was also the designated navigator… mistake number 1!! I am rather lacking where a sense of direction is concerned. It also didn’t help that the roads we needed to take weren’t numbered on the map, so we took some slight detours through the maizelands. Lets call it the scenic route. We even drove past Sasolburg, through a hijack zone! And we listened to Radio 2000 and OFM (used to be Radio Oranje). Desperate times…. We weren't even on the GPS.

We drove around and over the Vaal Dam, following GP registrations (this is a common navigation tool used by Joburgers!)

Eventually I found a map of the Gauteng Heartland, that had the roads and numbers we needed and eventually got us onto the N12 and home.

Updates and random stuff

2007-04-26T00:02:00.000+02:00

Ok…. This post will be a sort of update on some previous posts. Regarding the ATNA post, the buy mentioned FINALLY came through and acted out some of the talk. Much to my relief… J But I think that will be that, since there is no more to really be left to the imagination or to be written about. So consider it closed and filed away under “Been there, done that”.

I have also got my car back. I have to admit I did miss her (even if she is possessed). She is looking very red and shiny! When I went to pick her up, I had to do the obligatory walk around, make sure everything looked fine. But considering the state she was in the last time I saw her, almost anything looks better! All I need is 2 headlights intact and a bumper and nothing pushing my engine back and I’m happy! Easy to please, I know. But alas, it was not to be perfect. The left headlight wasn’t sitting right and the bonnet was sitting a bit squiff. So, back she goes on Thursday for a tweak and hopefully that’ll be that. On the way home from the panel beaters, I gave her a bit of a talking to and explained that although we have had a few fun years together, it was time for me to move on (to a car that is hopefully not possessed)

It really was great to be able to drive myself out for dinner! I am totally grateful that my parents are retired and go on holiday almost every weekend. I borrowed my mother’s car on weekends and enjoyed the semblance of independence. But nothing beats driving your own car, and not feeling like a bit of a fraud in a BMW.

The BMW is great, it has a TV, front loader and GPS in case I ever wondered exactly which street I was on and what my altitude and precise map location was. But… it’s an automatic. It really takes the mindless contentment of changing gears, using a clutch and coasting down hills in neutral out of the equation. I did once try the neutral thing, but forgot to put the car in drive to pull off again. That car can rev! It was embarrassing….

So that’s my news! I’m off to the South Coast on Saturday morning at sparrow’s fart, for a long weekend of relaxing and chilling with 7 boys and enjoying some good quality man eye candy spotting – this ALWAYS works well in a group!

I will write again upon my return!

Karma...

2007-04-24T09:39:00.000+02:00

I have been thinking about this whole karma thing of late. Is it a full pakage or do different things affect different areas? Are there categories? Relationship karma? General life karma? What's the deal?

I know all about bad relationship karma. I have been trying to get back into the good karma balance for a while now. Of course I do deserve a lot of the bad relationship karma going all the way back to high school. I was never a good girlfriend! And I guess it all came back to bite me in the ass. But I think it’s almost done. I really hope it is!

In the general karma department, I don’t see why I should have bad karma… I do charity work, I try to be nice to people, I pay my taxes and let people into the traffic (when I have a car). So why now, have I had such bad luck driving – only in the last 6 months, when I have had a licence for 11 years? I also got a speeding fine, (my secind in 11 years) on William Nicol, on the way to where I had my accident, the week before. Guns ‘n Roses cancelled and I have been dying to see them live since I was 14. My toilet seat has broken in half (while I was sitting on it – I got quite a fright!). And my cupboards have become infested with weevils and I have had to throw out every single wheat related product.

Now I understand that things could be much worse! I won’t jinx myself and put them in writing.

But is it bad karma or a situation of “When it rains, it pours”? What is to be done to remedy this? Should I do even more charity work? Take in strays (animals not men)? Become a Buddhist or vegetarian? Who knows???

Maybe once I get my car back, things will go back to normal, or when I buy a new one. Perhaps my car is possessed and I should get the Daily Sun to do a story on it… maybe they throw in a free sangoma to exorcise the demons…

Daily dose of madness - 23 April 07

2007-04-23T09:22:00.000+02:00

Meet my Daughter – A GOAT!

“This woman has a loving relationship – in fact a mother-and-daughter relationship – with a goat!”

This lady (Dorris) has been raising this goat (named Nosisi) since the day after she was born. The goat watches TV, tries to answer the phone and goes to sleep after 8 pm on it’s own mattress. Dorris even believes the goat is trying to speak! “Nosisi said ‘Maaa’ when she saw me!” “I know people will say this is a cock and bull story, yet white people have relationships with animals and nothing is ever said!” Nosisi eats cornflakes in the morning and an apple, and then drinks milk from a baby bottle. Nosisi also ahs a good relationship with Dorris’ boyfriend…. (that’s just dodgy!!) And she would never eat the goat if it died, it would get a proper funeral.

Saved by my dead Gogo!

A man (who looks like a very stoned Rasta) was driving a ‘huge digging machine’ that fell into a deep hole (but not deep enough for it to actually disappear, it only fell about 3m). He thought he was going to die, but screamed his dead gogo’s name “as he plunged into the depths’ – and he lived!” WOW! Amazing!

These people and stories NEVER cease to amaze me!

How to go about the pickup - for the girls

2007-04-23T03:42:00.000+02:00

I’ve touched on what men need to not do, but there is always a flip side! Girls…. We’ve all been guilty of a couple of these little mistakes….

1. Never talk about marriage and kids when attempting to pick up a man! This makes them very nervous! The thought of meeting someone who is already inserting them into wedding pictures and family albums may be too much for a man to handle, they are quite delicate sometimes. They see their futures flashing before their eyes and it includes something close to incarceration.

2. Don’t talk about your ex. It just sounds bad. Either you come across as bitter or not over him. Men don’t like competition, perceived or otherwise.

3. Another thing to try is not scare him away with talk of your “Rabbit” and how you like whips and chains… again, they get very scared and everything shrinks. They are easily intimidated.

4. And here’s a toughy…. Never let on that you’re very intelligent but at the same time don’t dumb it down too much… The way to tell whether it’s working or not is to watch for the tell-tale glazed look (in their eyes). That is the time to drop in a comment such as “What do you think of the Bulls front line? Perhaps they should move (insert front line players name) to (insert different position)? Or “Do you think that Graeme Smith should be moved further down the batting order?” This will get them back…. And you back in the player’s seat.

5. And finally, play hard to get, but not too hard! Some challenge is good, but you don’t want to come off looking like a stuck up bitch. Unless he deserves it or pulls any of the moves mentioned in the previous post. Then he deserves it!

I can’t be 100% sure if these are fool proof, because when we think it’s figured out, they change (only slightly). They get girlier and more sensitive. They may break into sobs for no good reason…. You never can tell!

But good luck anyway! I say a crying man is no good and worth running from, who needs the extra oestrogen? We have more than enough of our own! And if he passes up on your utter fabulousness, he wasn’t worth it anyway!

A day from hell!!

2007-04-20T01:42:00.001+02:00

I should've stayed in bed. But NO, here I am!

My day started off well, nothing untoward happened. But, on my way to work I heard the fantastic announcement on 5FM that Guns 'n Roses had cancelled their gig as part of the Coke Fest next weekend! I nearly lost my coffee! The only reason I paid close to R600 for a golden circle ticket was to see them. The rest of the bands suck...

I have been wanting to see GnR live since i was 14! It is not to be. At least we are getting refunded.

My work day has also been hectic. I have been asked to do deathly important (it would seem) work for 3 different people. Do i look like I have 3 heads and 7 arms? I checked, i don't! After a morning of incessant juggling of URGENT tasks, things seem to have calmed down... Hopefully!

And thankfully, it is only 2 1/2 hours until i can take my ass up to the pub for some free drinks! Lord knows i need it!!

All talk no action (ATNA)

2007-04-19T09:47:00.000+02:00

When did men become all talk? I know it has always been going on but when did it become the fashion? And are we supposed to put up with it? I think not!!

At the moment I am stuck in such a situation. There is a guy (obviously) and we have been emailing backwards and forwards and have recently started with the smses. You can imagine the gist of the messages… little innuendos, hints and what could happen etc etc. But when it comes to the crunch, he chickens out. There is nothing more annoying than talking the situation up, only to be let down! It irritates the crap out of me! And then when I call it on him, the excuses come out. I had to work, I had plans, I was dying and so on.

Now this is not the only situation of ATNA that I have been exposed to in the last week. On Saturday, my brother and I went to a Ford dealer to look at the new Fiesta that I have my eye on as a replacement to my (very bad luck) car, in the near future. I test drove one and it was fantastic! I spoke to the sales guy and gave him all my details and exactly what I was looking for. He promised he would phone me on Monday before 12, once he had contacted the other dealers about what they had for me. It is now Thursday… and NOTHING! I left a message for him on Tuesday, and no call back. Yet another man suffering from ATNA.

I say we need to put a stop to this!!! Men need to grow some balls again and stop being such p*ussy’s!! I am going to take a stand and say “NO!!” to ATNA. I will no longer believe a man when he says he will do something and I plan to call him on it when he starts with the talk again!

2007-04-18T10:37:00.000+02:00

Daily Dose of Madness!

2007-04-18T10:23:00.000+02:00

CROWD BURNS EVIL CLOTHES!

A man allegedly killed his father. When the residents of the area saw him in court two weeks later, he was wearing different clothes to those he was arrested in. They broke into his house and took his clothes and burned them on the spot where he killed his father. His clothes are apparently evil because someone brought him a change of clothing. Huh?

THEY DUG HER UP BUT SHE WAS STILL DEAD…

A family dug up the body of a dead relative six months after they buried her, convinced she would come back to life. And guess what… she didn’t! And now the family is going to court. “Even Jesus Christ rose after 3 days, not 6 months! Said magistrate Sam Nkuna “So where did you hear such miracles could happen to a badly decomposed corpse?”

I AM NOT FLYING GOGO!
The lady who was accused of being the “Flying Gogo” (see earlier posts) wants people to stop accusing her of being the “flying gogo”. Apparently she is being mistaken for the ‘flying gogo’ and being accused of being a witch. Her husband says he would never allow her to be a witch.

How to go about the actual pickup

2007-04-18T03:24:00.000+02:00

Now that you have a very basic idea of the people to stay away from, here is some advice for the next step… the pick up.

A lot of people find it very scary, but you just need to take it easy and keeo the following in mind.

These mostly apply to men….

Never hump the other persons leg, or rub your crotch up on someone, even on the dance floor. This WILL get you hurt! And no one likes an elbow in the stomach or knee in the crotch (unless you’re a bit strange)
Never compliment someone on a body part. Rather stick to a piece of clothing or something as inane.
Never stare at the opposite persons boobs or crotch, even if they enclosed in body hugging clothing, such as a Wonderbra or a tight jean pant.
Never get in the other person’s space. No one wants to smell what you had for dinner 2 nights ago. This also includes touching people in those places that make them uncomfortable, such as upper legs, waist or hand, it’s just weird! There’s no need to get unnecessarily touchy-feely! You’ll only get hurt.

You need a good pick up line. The pick up line hasn’t really ever had a good rap. Lines such as “Your clothes would look great on my floor” or “Is your father thief? He stole the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes” are just sad! Finds something original!

Another thing that may affect your first impression, for the men, is the handshake. It is essential that you find a middle ground. There is no need to crush a lady’s hand and make her lose all feeling. This will not help you! Also, the dead fish, limp and soft handshake is even worse! It gives the wrong impression and makes her think all your parts are soft and limp. Also, no need to shake just her fingers, unless we are 80 years old. Shake the whole hand, that’s the way a man would do it!

Once the pick up is done, make sure you have some decent conversation to add to the mix. Keeping up to date with the latest news and gossip usually helps. But do not go into detail about Paris Hilton’s series of sex tapes and your take on her (very) personal waxers skills. That isn’t gossip!

With these suggestions in mind, good luck! You may have the skills but luck has a lot to do with it!

Rule No. 2

2007-04-17T02:13:00.000+02:00

Hitting on a friends ex.

You don’t hit on a friend’s ex. I learnt this one the hard way. It almost broke up a friendship. If the guy has ever been mentioned in conversation, as an ex or ‘someone I had a fling with’ etc, he is off limits even if they only dated for a short time. If they dated for a long time, they are DEFINITELY off limits!

It is a bit touch and go when a friend says I’m over ‘Mr Fling’. This could be a friend just saying that because she feels it’s the right thing to say. But you can never be sure whether she really means it. I think it’s best just to stay away.

My problem with this rule stems back to my high school days. My best friend, Thelma, and I used to share exes. Once it was over, they were fair game. I later found out this was a unique situation! Good times! … sigh….

Personally, if a friend wants to date F*ck face, who I dated last year, then fine, it’s your problem and you have my sympathy! But, if a friend wanted to or did hook up with 1st love, I would probably be rather upset. Even though it was years ago, it would still not be cool!

It also depends on the friend. If it is someone who is very sensitive and views all relationships as important, then again, I say stay away. If it’s someone who doesn’t invest emotionally and who doesn’t really care, then you could probably go ahead.

I think this is a pool that needs to be dipped in at your own risk!

Daily Dose of Madness!

2007-04-17T01:46:00.000+02:00

HORNY TOKOLOSHE FINDS ME SEXY!

I kid you not! Apparently this guy has been sursed. He walks around the streets naked because the tokoloshe told him how sexy he looks naked. According to a relative, “Now he say he doesn’t want sex with the ugly tokoloshe anymore, but when he refuses, it holds him down!”

WTF??

NEVER PINCH A LADY COP’S BUM!

A guy grabbed the bum of a female cop. When she turned around to defend herself, he grabbed her around the neck. When reinforcements arrived and arrested him, he peed in his pants. “The guy apologised to the female cop and tears streamed down his face along with the pee down his legs”.

You CAN”T make this stuff up!!

Daily Dose of Madness!

2007-04-16T01:01:00.000+02:00

VOICE FROM THE GRAVE

Dead man causes chaos at his own funeral!

“Dig me up and do it again, he said AND SO THEY DID!”

First he didn’t want a coffin. Then he was facing the wrong way!

First, they buried the wrong body. Two days later, they tried again, with the right body. But then, a cold wind sprang up and Mike spoke to them from the grave… saying they were not following his last wishes on earth!

At the actual burial, two 18 year olds went into a trance at the graveside. The mourners didn’t believe them when they said they had to take him out if the coffin, until a sweeping southerly wind started blowing and threw the funeral into a panic. “They frantically ripped the coffin apart and rolled out Mike’s body, wrapped it up in a blanket”.

Apparently Mike wasn’t happy with the design of his grave and being buried in a coffin or the way he was facing.

Talk about high maintenance!

Have you noticed how every headline ends with "!"?

The Rules of the game…

2007-04-16T00:09:00.000+02:00

When it comes to being single and dating, there are a lot of rules that have to be followed. Some are more flexible than others, but the fact remains that they are there for a reason. Personally I’m not a huge fan of rules so I don’t always follow them but I do respect them and try my utmost to do the right thing! I promise!

And they will follow, in no particular order….

Rule No 1

It is NEVER ok to move in on someone else’s territory (unless it’s been pre-arranged and agreed). For example, you have been working on a guy for a few weeks and have endeared yourself to him and are almost in there and next thing you know, your friend is over there moving in on your territory and your man. This is so not ok. It is also not ok for a friend to move in on a guy you have only just noticed.

There are a few things that should make it clear to your other single girlfriends (or gay friends) that you are interested in a guy and they should be heeded when hot (hopefully) single men around. Things such as “Bob is really nice, I really like him.”, “Joe has a toight ass, I wonder if he puts out”, “I would really like to get to know Zac better”, “John is so my type” are typical ways to say I plan on moving in on him, he’s off limits. It’s like calling “SHOTGUN!!” first.

However, there are always exceptions to the rules. A friend can be your ‘wing man’, but you need to choose her with care. A friend who is in a relationship is usually quite good. A bubbly, pretty friend with big boobs who everyone seems to like is not. She WILL steal your limelight. You have been warned….

Another exception is if you have told this friend that you aren’t all that interested and that she has the go-ahead, then it’s fine. Go for it! Or if you’re trying to rid yourself of someone, you can always do so with a willing friend who is prepared to take one for the team. But these must ALWAYS be confirmed in person and verbally. Playing hard to get or being shy does not mean it’s a free for all!

So that is rule number 1. There are many more where this one came from. But in future posts, I will focus on the important and possibly relationship breaking faux pas.

Up Next…. Making a move on, kissing, dating etc a friend’s ex. What to do???

I'm bored...

2007-04-13T00:22:00.000+02:00

I am at work and i am bored. I have work to do, but I have no inclination towards actually doing it! This is not good! It only means I'll have more to do on Monday, but right now, I don't really care... Sigh....

A funny thing happened yesterday.... Phillygirl and I decided to take a walk around our neighbourhood, rather than go to gym or yoga. After our brisk walk, on the way back in, we saw my cat, Honey, sitting on the garden wall. Once in the house i called her to come in. She started to walk along the wall, to jump down into the garden and come inside. While she was walking she was looking at me. Big mistake! She misstepped and fell off the other side of the wall, with what can only be described as a surprised yelp/meow! It was hilarious!!

And now I am ready for a drink! Bring on 4:30!!

Daily dose of COMPLETE madness!!

2007-04-12T10:43:00.000+02:00

The best headline in the Daily Sun is "I vomit talking frogs!" This woman is apparently possessed and while the sangoma is trying to rid her of the demons. The demons are live frogs, cockroaches, grasshoppers and snails that she vomits up. The frogs speak to her in isiZulu and tell her where they come form (usually from graves). This lady has previously been in a mental institution.... I wonder why???