Friends like these...

We all have friends. Some have more than others. With the advent of Facebook, those of us on FB have more ‘friends’ than we knew we actually had. But the fact of the matter is that we pick our friends. They’re the family we choose.

Friends are people you can talk to about anything. They are there for you no matter what. They don’t judge you and accept you for all your flaws and for the mistakes you make. Friends tell you he was no good for you, but you went back anyway and they will still be there when he breaks your heart again and won’t say “I told you so” – well not to your face.  They are there for the good and the bad, they support you, encourage you, keep your secrets, tell you the truth and give you advice. They tell you if your bum looks fat in that, they tell you that you look great in that new dress and they will shop with you for hours to find that perfect pair of shoes.

At the moment, I have a close group of friends and who I can spend time with either individually or as a group and they all get along with each other – bonus! Everyone is similar enough to get along but different enough to make it fun and interesting. We all have different relationship histories – married, divorced, dating, single. We all have different taste in men – helps limit competitiveness, all have successful careers, some have pets, some have children. But the fact of the matter is that when we get together (whether one on one or in a group), we have fun and enjoy ourselves. We can go bar hopping, have a fondue, go to movies, go away for a weekend or just sit around talking and laughing. It doesn’t really matter where we are, what we’re doing or what’s happening around us.

The one thing I have found lately is that I don’t really have any male friends at the moment – not like I used to! I used to be one of the boys and only had a couple girlfriends. The opposite is true now. Sure, I have a guy friend I’ve known for many years, who I see every couple weeks, but it’s become quite a superficial catch up thing. Earlier last year, I tried to cultivate a male friendship and it almost worked… then he got drunk, sent me naughty messages and decided he wasn’t able to be my friend. I tried again recently and ended up in bed with him… and I am now stuck with undefined uncertainty about what’s going on. It really does get more difficult as you get older and people settle down. Maybe there is no such thing as a platonic friendship when it comes to single men and women?

I have also found that some friends come with a sell by date. These are the friends who are awesome and lots of fun but only for a period of time. The relationship isn’t particularly sustainable and tends to fizzle out when something changes, like a job, life direction, new romantic relationship or new friendship. You get tired of being the person to always make the effort. They just die a quiet death though there is sometimes the obligatory “How have you been?” message once in a while. I have a couple prime examples…

I had a friend from my waitressing days. We got on really well, always had fun and she became my first housemate. We worked completely different hours (I was in corporate, she was still in the restaurant industry) so we saw just enough of each other. She then had a terrible car accident and spent the next 5 months in (a government) hospital. I visited a couple times a week, supported her and did what friends do. During this time, the new relationship with her boyfriend (now husband) grew and she moved in with him a couple months after she finally got released from hospital. It was a happy time for all, though her parents realised they were losing control of her life (they were crazy controlling, even has full access to her bank accounts so they could monitor what she spent her money on!!). I’d message her every couple months and we’d get together for dinner and a catch up. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. She then told me her mother had decided the wedding was family only so I was uninvited. I then saw on Facebook that she was “really looking forward to her hen’s party with all her special friends”. I was not included. Cue stab to the heart and twist that knife! So that was that… If I wasn’t part of her life anymore, then I would reciprocate in kind and deleted her. Looking back, she was fun at a time when we didn’t have too much responsibility and were just starting out, but I moved on. She stayed there and stayed the person who was pushed around by her boss, her parents and her sister.  

Another friend is the kind of friend who moves from person to person every year or two. She becomes great friends with someone, you have a great time and then someone new appears. The current friendship eventually fizzles out and the pattern is repeated with the next person.  Obviously this happened to our friendship, but I don’t really mind. We were moving in different directions, old friends who I didn’t really like or get on with were resurfacing, so it was actually a blessing in disguise. We all have limited “fun time” and I want to spend it with people I really like and whose company I enjoy. I don’t want to sit there holding my tongue so that I don’t upset anyone by saying what I really think.

Then there are the friends you will have forever. Thelma and I have been friends since we were little. It didn’t start that way… we met at nursery school when we were 4. I was apparently mean to her because she was so funny looking – kids can be so mean!! We went to the same primary school and also had a lift club - we lived 500m apart. Somehow we became very close in high school, even though we were at different schools. We became partners in crime, got up to ALL sorts of things… smoking drinking, boys… the usual teenage stuff. The rest of the story is in my “What If ?” post. We are still great friends and talk often. We’ve had two really big fights (my fault completely) and have gotten past them. Despite our very different lives, we have enough in common (not just a history) to still stay close. We are still great friends and I think we will be for another 30 years!

Friends do come and go. The trick is to find the ones who will be there for you and who you want to be there for. They’re not all the same and all bring something different to the table. This is what keeps it interesting. There comes a point when you realise who really matters, who never did, and who always will.

What if??

You know those times when you’re sitting quietly alone and your mind wanders… quite often it wanders into the world of “What If”. What if I’d turned right? What if I’d said yes? What if I’d waited a little bit longer?

Maybe it’s because the end of yet another year is around the corner, but lately I’ve been doing a lot of “What If’ing”. Some of it is just random wondering, but some of it has been quite deep and a bit on the depressing side when all is said and done.

For example… if my parents hadn’t been the parents they are and had let me follow my 17 year old heart, and I had moved to East London to be with my first. Where would I be now? Would I be sitting in East London, bored out of my mind, with three children, running a coffee shop? Would I have lost my mind and moved back to Joburg with a couple years of my life to catch up on? Thank god they had the common sense I didn’t! Though the whole situation worked itself out in the end anyway – as these things tend to do.

Another example… my friend ‘Thelma’ and I have been friends since we were four. We were planning on both going to RAU. For matric holiday, we spent some time in Sodwana. We fell in love with the place and the lifestyle. Her mom said she could move there in early the next year, my parents said “Not a chance in hell, university is non-negotiable”. She went, I stayed. She lived a great life – I did get to visit every 3 months. I became a student and partied and (eventually) studied hard. She met the love of her life and they have been together for 15 years and are still madly in love. I am still single, with nothing resembling a great track record in that department. She lives in Cape Town, has her own company making environmentally friendly cleaning products (www.betterearth.co.za), two gorgeous daughters and a loving husband. I live in Joburg, work at a law firm doing Marketing (that I studied and really enjoy) and live alone with my cat. So what would our lives look like if we hadn’t taken those paths? What would she be doing if she’d followed a similar one to mine? When I asked Thelma what she thought of this, she said she probably would’ve ended up in a similar position anyway – and I agree, I think it’s her destiny, as this is mine.

But really, what if I had put in more effort with a particular guy, or what if I hadn’t been so annoyed by a particular habit? What if he was more into me, took time to get to know the real me and accepted my flaws or issues. Would I be happily married (or happily divorced), would I have a kid or two and would I be driving a Porsche?

I believe that there is an element of fate or destiny involved, but I sometimes wonder whether I would be on a different path if I wasn’t too impulsive (and hedonistic) in some situations or too undecided in others?

Note: Impulsiveness and procrastination are really hard personality traits to balance!

Rejection (especially the unexpected kind) always brings up these doubts with me and leads to hours of reflection. No one likes to be rejected, but it does cause a fair amount of self-doubt. Questions like why am I not good enough for anyone, what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong in my previous life that I’m now alone, haven’t I been punished enough by always finding the assholes?

After a while and a couple glasses of wine, it seems that the answer becomes obvious… maybe it’s not meant for me? Maybe I am not one of those people who needs to be part of a pair, maybe everything I have is enough? I figure that if I’m still single and relationships consistently don’t work out, maybe it’s because they’re not supposed to? A fair assumption, right?

I reached this conclusion a few months back and really came to terms with it. I started focusing more of myself, my friends and family and started having more fun because of the awesome company I had. I started training with a personal trainer – so that was 2 hours a week of undivided male attention – and I feel healthier and fitter. And I decided not to date or let men get in the way, because everything was awesome without them.

Then…what I was expecting to be a one night stand became someone I chatted to every day and eventually ended in one of the best dates ever. And that’s where it ended - well, that’s what I assume since he seems to not be that into me? So falling back into my usual patterns, I questioned, reflected, felt sorry for myself, listened to the advice of all sorts of people, worked out really hard and got over it – in record time! I realised that no amount of “What If-ing” would change things. He is who he is with his issues and I am who I am with mine… if it’s not meant to be, why try to understand it? It just is.

So I think that is enough “What If-ing” for the time being and I’m going back to who I was a month ago! That awesome, happy, confident and independent person I REALLY like!