Standing still in the swirl

Do you ever feel like you’re standing still and the world is moving around you? Not as in the world revolves around you… the way I picture it is like in the movies. You know, the scene (usually at a very important life point) where the person is standing, usually in a busy street, and people are swirling around them. That’s how I feel sometimes…

The reason for this at the moment is that in the last couple months, all these people I know (all of them younger than me) are moving in with their partners, getting engaged, getting married, taking huge steps towards a future with someone they intend to spend the rest of their lives with. This has lead me to think about whether this means I have been left behind?

In my 20’s I had so much fun – going out all the time to clubs, dating all sorts of guys. I had my guy friends that I used to go out with (who are all married with kids now). It was a time of learning for me – finding out what I was and wasn’t looking for in this (elusive) long term ‘perfect’ match. I also developed some great street smarts and have some awesome stories to tell about what I got up to. On the downside, this may also be where my cynicism started to develop…

Is there some unspoken rule or timeline that I missed? Was I supposed to have at least one long relationship of a year or two under my belt by the time I turned 30? When I get asked the dreaded question “How long was your longest relationship?” and my answer is (now) “less than a year” (which is technically the truth). Judging by the look of shock and horror that I get in response leads me to believe that this is true.

Why is it that I should’ve met this target? Why waste a year or two with someone I don’t intend on spending much more time with, let alone the rest of my life? Doesn’t it count that I’ve met other more ambitious milestones, like buying my own house and having 2 (and a half) degrees? And while I was doing all of that, I was still having tons of fun and finding a serious boyfriend didn’t feature as much – though I did look, but never really found what I was looking for.

But now back to standing still in a swirl of movement. So, all these people are meeting people and making these big commitments. Is there a trick to it or is it luck? Do they have to work really hard at finding it and then keeping it? Is it just their time in the grander scheme of things according to the universe? Were they just listening and paying attention? Did this all happen while I had a lapse in concentration? All very possible… I am easily distracted… 

Oooh! Those are pretty shoes!

Sorry… Like I said , I get side-tracked easily.

When I’m feeling like that, maybe the trick is to go with the flow and just jump into the swirl and get caught up in it and believe that I will randomly bump into the best person for me when I least expect it? It actually doesn’t sound that bad! I think I’ll be on the next wave off this island.

When people lose their sparkle

‘Losing sparkle’ is a term that I’ve heard a few times lately. A friend of mine was recently quite taken with a man she had met and was having a bit of a thing with. He made her laugh and was full of interesting facts and good conversation. After a particular conversation where he confessed to still having feelings for his ex, he ‘lost his sparkle’. And although she still saw him on a weekly basis for some fun and laughs, it wasn’t the same, but he was someone for the meantime.

When I talk about ‘sparkle’, it’s not Twilight vampire sparkle, but more that something special that makes you want to see the person all the time and to enjoy their company. It’s that intanglible thing keeps you coming back and making the effort. Kind of like an inner sparkle… and you know how us girls love bling and all things sparkly!

I had a bit of a thing with a guy and it was all good and fun… we laughed, we did stuff and all in all had a good time. We then had a fight, said some not so nice things, deleted each other’s phone numbers and he then proceeded to give me complete silent treatment – and it sucked because I pretty much saw him every day – and I HATE the silent treatment… it drives me crazy (in a bad way)!

Just when I had decided that I actually didn’t care whether we spoke or became friends again, he pitches up at my house, out of the blue, to say hi. A great gesture! And something I’d been hoping for (but doesn’t happen in the real world). After much WTFing and confusion from my side, we said what we had to say, both apologised and then decided to go out and have some fun, which we did.

The next morning I woke up (slightly hungover) and thought that I’d actually like to give this another shot but with some necessary changes to the entire dynamic. I made up my mind to tell him what needed to be said and take it from there. By the time the day was over, it had all worn off and I realised that he’d lost his sparkle. It was great to have him back, but something had changed – I would guess me – and I realised that it wasn’t what I wanted any more. More breaking of my patterns… because there are circumstances involved that need to be avoided.

When I saw him the next day, it was totally obvious, I had proof, no sparkle! And all I felt was relief. I was free to move on and to get on with my life without wondering ‘what if’ and without overanalysing it and thinking about what I could’ve done differently. We chatted and had a laugh about the weekend and that was that. Back to being friends and no annoying silent treatment! I won’t raise the subject though I’m not sure what he’s thinking, but I suppose that’s a bridge to cross if we actually get there.

So I think it’s time to find the next person with sparkle and hope that they keep their sparkle for ages to come…

All these things that I’ve done

I was reminiscing the other day over a glass of wine (I think too many of my posts may start this way…). I was thinking about all the things I’ve done. I don’t mean all the serious stuff like start my very own cult and developing a vaccine against frizzy hair, I mean the fun stuff!

I bought tickets for Lady Gaga the other day and I am super excited! I also heard that the Red Hot Chili Peppers are negotiating a few shows here as part of their world tour… news that almost made me pee my pants since they are my ultimate band! I would sell a kidney to see them – but luckily I have a credit card and bond I could use instead.

So all that got me reminiscing about the concerts I have been to and it’s quite an eclectic list but they have all been fun! I think the first concert I went to was Paul Simon, the first international act to come to SA after the end of Apartheid. I was 14 and thought I was WAY too cool to be there with my parents, even if it was in a box…so embarrassing! the last one I went to was Kings of Leon and had an awesome night, though there are some blurry parts and I paid for it the next day!

I’ve seen rock acts like Metallica, Collective Soul, Goo Goo Dolls, Lenny Kravitz, INXS, Depeche Mode, Tracy Chapman and Spin Doctors, Violent Femmes (2 nights in a row – they take me back to my high school days), Counting Crows, REM, Midnight Oil, Indecent Obsession (we were in Std 7 and snuck in some wine a plastic juice bottle), Garbage, Placebo, Skunk Anansie, OMD (also with my parents) and The Killers.

Then there was the more ‘dancy’ stuff… Jamiroquai (where everyone including JK was smoking joints), Carl Cox, David Guetta, Avicii, Faithless, Prodigy, Fat Boy Slim and Basement Jaxx. There are more DJ’s that I saw during the ‘rave’ days, but I just can’t remember them…

There have been some other awesome acts like Michael Jackson and his incredible HIStory show! There was Rodriguez, whose music I adore but thought was dead because of the urban legends… imagine my excitement to see him live and in the flesh! Robbie Williams – another fantastic show and oh so sexy!! And then Pink, she rocked! Such a great stage presence and Drewski and I had so much fun (as usual)!

Then there were those like Kanye West… we were given free tickets, so why the hell not!? To be honest, when we got there, we weren’t even sure whether it was him onstage… it was quite a flat concert, not much atmosphere and I think we left before the end because we had (eventually) heard a song or two we knew and were bored.

Ah, Busta Rhymes… I was seeing a guy who was about 10 years older than me and kind of a hippy, but we had fun together. So we decided to go see Busta Rhymes who was playing at the Joburg Stadium. It was SO much fun! We stuck out like light beacons but that made it even better, we really got to let loose. It turned out I knew far more Busta Rhymes songs than I realised, even if a lot of them were collaborations. But we drank, we smoked and generally went a bit crazy, so all in all a great experience.

The day before my 30^th birthday, a group of us went to CokeFest where we saw Kaiser Chiefs, Good Charlotte, Must and 30 Seconds to Mars (with Jared Leto was almost within touching distance). It was a great day and being a big birthday I went huge! I even went up to a boy I had being eyeing out and just kissed him - not something I am prone to doing, but with enough beer…he then semi-stalked me for a few weeks.

A couple years back as part of my BFF’s special birthday present treat, we ended a super fun day with the concert, featuring Snap, Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer. OMG!!! SO MUCH FUN!!! The crowd was our age and older, we knew all the songs, and we just went wild! Snap and Vanilla Ice totally rocked and it turns out that Vanilla Ice is really down to earth, friendly and entertaining (and he follows me on Twitter… whoop whoop!). MC Hammer is a chop. He thinks he’s the shit – he isn’t. He name drops, like a group of over 30 white people care whether he once spoke to Tupac and some other random people… anyway, because of his attitude, he really disappointed us. But other than that, it was awesome!!

Lately, I have been seeing a lot of live SA bands and we really have some great talent – Prime Circle, Lonehill Estate, Graeme Watkins Project, Flash Republic (seeing them on Saturday), Shadowclub, The Black Hotels… the list goes on…

So, next stop Lady Gaga and (hopefully) the Red Hot Chili Peppers!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!

Breaking the pattern

I recently had an epiphany… I have a bad pattern that needs breaking! It involves a number of factors that have an impact of my relationships with men. The main one is that I go for mostly emotionally unavailable men. Whether it’s men who won’t commit, still want to play the field, think they deserve better, are emotionally damaged or are in a long distance relationship, they seem to be my type and seem to love me back (for a limited time of course).

And I have just taken the first step to break this pattern. I said NO! And I am so proud of myself for doing it! Because it’s not something I would normally do… normally, I would talk myself into doing what I knew was wrong – I am the queen of justification!

 

The story goes something like this… I go for dinner with the girls. A guy across the restaurant keeps catching my eye and there’s a connection, you know, one of those weird, unexplainable connections. The guy leaves. On our way out a little later, the waitress pulls me aside, says the guy has asked her to get my name and number because he’s sure he knows me from somewhere. So I give it to her. How exciting and flattering!

The next day, the guy phones and we arrange to do lunch/coffee the next week (he actually does know me from high school). I’m excited! This is how great stories begin! I tell a friend about this all and a couple hours later she calls me. Her bff knows this guy and tells her he’s married. To be honest, I wasn’t surprised to hear this, what with my awesome track record of late! So naturally, I’m quite pissed off about all this… besides the body builder, I don’t actually remember when last an available man hit on me!

A few hours later, this guy calls me again, to tell me he’s married - so he has a conscience. He goes on to say he’d still like to meet up and catch up (even though we didn’t actually know each other at school – he was a couple years behind me) because he also felt a connection and wants to get to know me. He’s adamant that there aren’t any ulterior motives and that it’s innocent, which I actually could believe because he’s apparently a genuinely nice guy. So I tell him I need to think about him and I’ll let him know.

I’m glad I decided to take time to think on it because my natural instinct is to say: “Sure, it can’t hurt to go for an innocent coffee and catch up.” In theory it would just be an innocent catch up, but that’s just opening myself up to a lot of extra drama that I really don’t want because in the real world, there are so many ways that this could go wrong.

By the time I got to my car (5 minutes after his call) I had decided I would say NO. I’d been given an obvious opportunity to break my pattern and I was going to make the most of it! Later, I ran the whole story and my decision past my trainer who unknowingly doubles as my sounding board and therapist and he agreed with me. And if a guy agrees with you, it must be right! It also helps that he’s seen all the shit (and by shit I mean bad choices in men) I’ve been through over the last 10 months.

I called this guy earlier today to tell him no and I stuck to my guns! I told him it was a bad idea and had all the potential to end badly. We chatted a bit more about general stuff and that was that. It was nice to chat to someone new and who grew up similar to you, in the same neighbourhood and all that, but in this situation, the bad far outweighs the good and that’s what I need to stay away from. And I have!  

They say like attracts like and I think that this may be true to an extent. I confess that I am a commitment-phobe. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be someone’s first and only choice, their other half, the love of their life, but I just don’t know how to be that without freaking out. With that in mind, I could be defined as emotionally unavailable myself, it’s quite obvious that I should subconsciously attract similar people.

How to fix it... I suppose the first step to changing this is actually acknowledging that this is what’s happening. Done! The next step would be to identify it when it does happen. I actually need to pay attention to what’s going on and need to analyse the situations and little more. Done! Then, I need to consciously break that pattern and say no to it when I see it happening. Done! Granted, I have only done this once so far, but it’s a start! And I am proud of myself for standing up and saying no and going against my (bad) instincts.  

Now that I am aware of what’s actually going on, I have something to work with and work towards. I know what I want, what I deserve and I am the only person standing in my way. I just need to get my shit together and let my natural awesomeness shine! Preferably in the direction of emotionally available, hot, straight single men…

Story of the week - Driver arrested for masturbating

Courtesy of IOL Motoring

OMG and WTF?!?! Funniest story I have read in a long time! Who knew a man could multi-task like this??

Let's face it - there are probably more fetishes out there than you or I could ever imagine, but this one has got to be among the strangest - and it even effects road safety.

According The Huffington Post, an American man was arrested on Monday for masturbating while driving.

A tow truck driver alerted police after spotting the man driving in the nick and with suspicious arm movements. When pulled over by the cops, the perpetrator was seen battling to get his trousers back on.

While searching him, police also found that the Jeep driver had a toy gun down there, with the barrel reaching into his anus. The base of his man-tool also had a piece of black cloth tied to it.

When questioned about his actions behind the wheel, the man admitted that he had issues and that he was receiving therapy.

No doubt, his list of problems in life now includes a criminal charge of "Lewd and lascivious behaviour."

10 signs you’re just not that into him

A few weeks back, I met a guy at the Baron. I was there with some friends to watch a rugby test match. Even though the Baron is a huge meat market, my intention that day was purely to watch the game with some friends before I had to go to a dinner at Drewski’s.

I was standing there minding my own business, enjoying a drink, eyeing out a soon to be empty table for us to lean on, when a huge bodybuilder type guy starts talking to me. So I was polite, talked to him a bit while watching the game. As the evening wears on, he attaches himself to me limpet style and tries to get to know me. Eventually, I give him my bbm pin so that he’ll stop asking for it. I turn down his offer of putting an eating a workout plan together for me – I already have people who do that – and try to steer away from the conversation about how often I eat protein and body fat percentages.

The game ends and I dash out to my next engagement. He bbm’s me through the night and next day. He then phones me so he can chat properly and get to know me. I really don’t like talking on the phone, but go with the flow.

We go for dinner on the Monday and I watch horrified as he eats in one meal what I eat for dinner in a week. I even let him hold my hand. Then when we say goodbye, I don’t let him kiss me (never on the first date!) and also keep turning down his suggestions of him coming over to my house.

I kept telling myself to stick it out because he’s not my usual type (emotionally unavailable pretty boys) and maybe I need to get out of my comfort zone and try dating a nice guy.

Before the week was through and only one date down, I was asked to join him for Father’s Day lunch with his entire family. He got upset when I said I was going to be home alone and didn’t invite him over. He kept asking if I missed him and got upset when I said “Ummm… No”.

So it all got me thinking, maybe there’s a reason we have types and sure it’s good to try something new, but I discovered that new is not always good. But it did reinforce how I know I’m not into a guy.

And here are the currently relevant top 10 signs I know I’m not into someone.  And there are so many more, but these were my obvious ones.

1.    You would rather be home alone, doing your ironing

2.    You see it’s him calling and mute the phone and let it go to voicemail

3.    You’re not particularly upset if he cancels plans

4.    You feel a bit nauseous when he refers to himself as your ‘new boyfriend’ (on the first date!)

5.    You say you can’t go out because you have made up plans (that are cancelled at the last minute) and are happy to stay at home ironing, talking to your cat

6.    You hyperventilate and scream NO! when he asks if you want to come over for a big family Sunday lunch (on Father’s Day!!)

7.    You roll your eyes a lot and eventually may even pull an eye muscle

8.    You really don’t want him to come to your gym because he’ll ruin your happy place and it would be quite embarrassing!

9.    You want to punch anyone who asks how he is

10.  When he deletes you from bbm or Facebook, you don’t really give a shit and are thankful you don’t have to see the constant arbitrary updates and self-given nicknames like “The Rock”

Now, if I had been into him, I would let the ironing pile up, would let him kiss me on the first date, would have him over to my house and would meet his family (an probably even attempt to speak Afrikaans).

But alas, this was not the case. After being deleted from his bbm and Facebook, he asked me to send my pin again… but really, I could not be bothered, because buddy, I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

Mr Right Now

I read an article the other day about whether women should settle for Mr Right Now or Mr Good Enough rather than waiting or looking for Mr Right. And as these things do, it got me thinking.

As an aside, it also ties in with the timing thing, because Murphy’s Law, you marry Mr Right Now or Mr Good Enough and find Mr Right soon after.

But back to the topic at hand…

I believe that everyone comes into your life and some leave it because they have a particular purpose or lesson to teach you at the time. When you’ve been (figuratively) battered by someone and are feeling disillusioned, you meet someone who treats you like gold and is awesome for your ego and who helps you get back on track with your confidence and all that good stuff. But down the line, they don’t really fit into your life anymore.  

You drift away from people because you no longer gel. They may have not grown up or may have gotten old and boring when that’s not where you are. They might become a Scientologist or a vegan. But they were great when you were both on the same page and the relationship was reciprocal and beneficial to all concerned. I think it gives you the perspective that you might need at the time.

So what’s to say that you should hold onto Mr Right Now for eternity? Maybe they are not meant to be married and are merely there to occupy your attention until the real thing comes along. But, (and there’s always a but) what if you’re his Miss Right? What if your Mr Right doesn’t come along because he’s married his Miss Right Now, are you then stuck and do you have to convince yourself that Mr Right Now can in fact be Mr Good Enough, even Mr Right? Of course that’s just really over thinking it and being a bit cynical, but these questions are often sitting in the back of my mind, ready to raise doubt and sabotage things.

I have to assume that the fates will intervene so that you don’t find yourself in this situation (well at least not too often). I’m sure we’ve all had moments when we look at our exes and think “What the hell was I thinking?!?!” I think that’s a fateful intervention. That ex may have been good for you at the time - someone older who could guide you in a certain stage, someone who was fun, someone who was your rebound. But in the end, someone who wasn’t going to grow in the same direction as you, had different life goals and views and you ultimately would’ve drifted apart and ended up disliking each other. 

Settling for Mr Right Now or Mr Good enough is just that, settling. This has been a regular topic of discussion with my single friends… should we settle? Should we lower our standards just for the sake of being in a relationship? I say “HELL NO!” That defeats the point doesn’t it?

So what is a girl to do? Which path do you choose? Do you put your faith in the fates and that things will work out well? Can Mr Right Now become Mr Right?

If you do decide to spend the rest of your life (and that’s a looong time these days) with someone, he better be the right someone! Why would you spend all this time with someone who isn’t a match, who irritates you or who doesn’t share enough in common with you? Personally, I’d much rather be alone!

Is timing everything?

When it comes to affairs of the heart, how important is timing? In my opinion, it’s way up there with chemistry, something I just can’t date without.

Recently I met someone and there was an instant connection. It seemed to be on the path to awesomeness and maybe even something real. But then, much to my dismay, I discovered that my timing couldn’t have been more off. During what would’ve been a fantastic honeymoon phase, I found out he had a girlfriend - long-distance girlfriend but one who had been around for over a year.

During one of our many conversations, we agreed that the circumstances sucked and if things had been different, things would’ve been very different... sigh. The more frustrating this is that this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Not necessarily the girlfriend thing but the bad timing thing. Meeting someone who is about to move to London for 2 years, meeting someone who lives in Cape Town and you’re students so don’t have any money to commute, that kind of bad timing.

Now I hear people saying that if it was meant to be, it would work itself out. So either it’s never meant to be or that’s just a load of crap! At the tender age of 34, I like to think it’s a load of crap… if not, I have screwed over by the fate fairies far too many times!

Thinking about this, a friend of mine dated a guy for a while and they were happy. Something happened, I think it was a long distance or change of circumstance thing and they broke up. He married someone and got divorced just as quickly. She moved in with someone and eventually broke up with him. They kept in touch and had dinner once in a while. After she broke up with the last guy, they got back together. They look so happy and seem to be blissfully in love. We are expecting an engagement. So in this story, timing was definitely an issue but when the time was right, they found each other again. The question now is whether this is a fluke or whether this is the norm? For obvious reasons I hope it’s the norm!

I suppose it is all highly circumstantial and depends on a number of factors. But then, how do so many people manage to get it right? Is it a personality/pheromone/star alignment thing? How does one fix bad timing?

One theory is that when you’re ready for the relationship, everything will work out and the timing will be right. But then why do you meet someone when you’re not ready? Is it because you wouldn’t have net them at all otherwise and they’re being put on your radar for a later stage? Is it safe to just believe that when the time is right it will happen?

I’m not always a patient person and do tend to try and make things happen, be a ‘go-getter’, and I don’t really know how much I can just sit back and let it happen… it hasn’t in the past 20 years I’ve been dating. Am I just a late bloomer and needed all that ‘experience’ first? Maybe that’s what’ll make me appreciate it?

OR… is this not on my cards? Maybe this is the way things are just going to be. Maybe that’s the reason my timing is off because it’s supposed to be?

I must say that even though this may be the case, I really hope it’s not! Turns out I’m a romantic at heart and would love to have the happily ever after with someone whose timing is the same as mine.  

Life is short, live it without regret

Today, a colleague of mine was killed in a car accident. We’ve worked together for 6 years, he was an awesome guy and suddenly, he’s no longer there.

Something like this makes you stop and take stock. It makes you realise how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away and the lives of your loved ones change forever in a way that is so hard to comprehend.

So here is my stock…

I’ve done things I’m not proud of, but I’ve done more that I am proud of. I’ve messed up things but I’ve also fixed things. I like to think I’ve been a good influence and that I have done things to change people’s lives for the better.

I may not have had a great love yet, but I’m sure if I’m supposed to be someone’s one and only, I will. In the meantime, I will give my all to the people I do have and appreciate everything they add to my life.

I suppose all we can really hope for is that when it is our time, we leave a positive legacy and are remembered with smiles and laughs and champagne. We can hope that our memorial is attended by many who truly care and who will miss us, even if it’s only for a moment. That people will have great stories to tell and will cry with laughter, not sadness.

So in the meantime, you never know when you’re going to draw your last breath. Live each day like it counts. Tell the people you love that you love them and love as hard as you can. Don’t end a conversation angry, be the bigger person and apologise. Say what you mean, but only if it will benefit the other person, don’t hurt them for no reason. Surround yourself with people who are positive, happy and add value to your life. Be one of those people for someone else.

I guess just live life like you mean it and make a positive impact. Be remembered for good things and with a smile.

Regret nothing.

Are you on my spring clean list??

I am a fan of spring cleaning. Not shoes... People. Acquaintances, boyfriends, friends and maybe even some family.

I've realised over the years that people let you down. They're selfish, they're fickle and they're expendable. A bit harsh? Maybe... But really who has the time and energy to waste on people who don't add anything worthwhile to your life? If a boyfriend/ girlfriend treats you badly, fights with you all the time, doesn't pay you attention or makes you feel bad about yourself, you dump them. Or you should. So why can't the same be applied to friends??

At least twice a year I go through my Facebook 'friends' and delete people I don't actually like. But that's the easy side of it.

In the last year or so, I've spring cleaned 2 very good friends. Maybe the friendships had run their course but I don't see the point of having to work so hard to keep something alive when there isn't really much to gain from it. If there is no win-win situation, you're wasting time and energy that I could be using to find a better friend or even further my knowledge and education. I don't want to run after people and I don't want people to feel obliged to spend time with me.

Recently I have been thinking about some of the friendships I have and am wondering whether they are actually benefitting me or just causing me unnecessary unhappiness and upset? I feel I am just giving and getting nothing worthwhile in return. Surely it’s not healthy to be avoiding friends and actually making a point of not contacting them and feeling relief when you don’t have to see them? They are just not adding value or giving back. I really can't always be the giver, the supporter, the fun one, the advisor. I need some in return!

The other day I decided to do a little social experiment… I made a point of not messaging friends first, to see who would actually take the initiative and make an effort with me for a change. In hindsight, if I hadn’t updated my BBM status saying “Let the social experiment begin”, I would’ve had a better idea – I have curious friends. I may actually do it again, but not say anything this time. Unfortunately I think it would take most of my friends a few days to realise they hadn’t heard from me.  And that really sucks!

So I am now stuck with the dilemma of whether to spring clean. Having given it some more thought, I think right now it’s probably best for me not to act impulsively (for a change) and see where it all ends up. Is this something that should be given a timeline or should it runs its course?

I have to admit that I would hate to lose these friends because we’ve had so many good times together! But as with any relationship, do the good times outweigh the bad? Is this just a phase?

So, if you’re a friend of mine and you’re reading this, think very hard about what you’ve done for me lately and whether you’ve supported me and shown interest in my life… if not, you better get your shit together because you may be the next one to get spring cleaned! Good luck!