So my dad is fine! He's back home and allowed to carry on with life as usual. Turns out it was a random thing, like a heartbeat hiccup...
I'm no longer getting teary or having panic attacks and life can carry on as usual! Although I still maintain that I will keep my current view of life and will strive to find what I deserve!
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
A change of perspective
Yesterday, I heard words that terrified me to the core… “Your dad is in hospital, getting his heart shocked”. My own heart broke a little. The news got gradually worse as the day went on and my dad ended up spending a night in ICU being monitored so they could give it another go today and get his heartbeat back to normal rhythm.
This is not supposed to be happening to my dad. He’s healthy, fit and my dad. He climbed Everest, he cycled the El Camino, he does canopy tours and takes part in ocean yacht races with me.
So in between my panic attacks and tears, I came to the realisation that the things that have been on my mind lately are not really important. I’ve been wasting time trying to change things that probably won’t change, no matter how much I do – they aren’t mine to change. I need to focus on family and friends and the goodness they bring to my life. I need to leave the negative behind and stop looking back.
Lately, I’ve been going around in circles, repeating mistakes and expecting different results (isn’t that the definition of insanity?). I need to stop this bad habit and just get on with the positive things and surround myself with good people who are genuine and want the same things. Life really is too short and precious to be wasting time with disingenuous people who don’t add the right value.
This is not supposed to be happening to my dad. He’s healthy, fit and my dad. He climbed Everest, he cycled the El Camino, he does canopy tours and takes part in ocean yacht races with me.
So in between my panic attacks and tears, I came to the realisation that the things that have been on my mind lately are not really important. I’ve been wasting time trying to change things that probably won’t change, no matter how much I do – they aren’t mine to change. I need to focus on family and friends and the goodness they bring to my life. I need to leave the negative behind and stop looking back.
Lately, I’ve been going around in circles, repeating mistakes and expecting different results (isn’t that the definition of insanity?). I need to stop this bad habit and just get on with the positive things and surround myself with good people who are genuine and want the same things. Life really is too short and precious to be wasting time with disingenuous people who don’t add the right value.
It’s funny how a shock and the threat of mortality can really change your perspective like that. I will no longer sweat the small stuff or compromise what I deserve.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
If you’re single and you know it clap your hands
So (obviously), I’m single. I have been for a long, with a brief relationship here and there, but nothing worth changing my Facebook status about.
Being single isn’t a problem for me, it’s what I know and I enjoy it for the most part. I get to hang out with friends whenever, I get to spend time alone relaxing, I have less drama in my life and if the need arises, I hook up with a guy. I have solo dates, where I eat good food, have a glass of wine and listen to good music and enjoy my own company (and sometimes that of my cat). I go for long walks or drives and explore new places. I don’t need to worry about someone else’s feelings or whether they are enjoying themselves or eat sushi.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I miss having someone to share things with and spend time with. It’s nice to have someone you can lie in bed with listening to the rain or go to movies with. It’s nice to snuggle or just sit quietly knowing someone is nearby.
I am in my 30’s and apparently being single when you’re over 30 is not a good thing. Maybe it messes with some people’s view of the balance of the universe? Maybe it doesn’t fit in with societal norms or what was/is expected of women. Personally, I think that’s bullshit!
In the last few months, there has been a spate of fix up attempts by friends and acquaintances. Some people think that just because two people are single, they’ll get on. If that were the case, no one would be single. I have standards. A few are negotiable (like blonde or brunette), but most aren’t (like sense of humour, intelligence and height) – if they all were, again, I wouldn’t be single -I have kissed enough frogs to know what I deserve and to know what I do and don’t want. I must give people credit though, they do ask first whether and I am single and then why I’m single.
At the moment I’m finding most first conversations of 2012 going as follows, in this order…
1. “How was Knysna?”
2. “Did you meet any men?”.
My standard response is…
1. “Kynsna was great!”
2. “I was in Knysna… seriously? Men in Knysna?”
This is true, as far as I have seen, there aren’t many single guys in Knysna – it’s quite a couple destination. But secondly, I don’t go on holiday to find a man! I go to relax, spend time with my family and do fun stuff that I don’t do at home.
1. “How was Knysna?”
2. “Did you meet any men?”.
My standard response is…
1. “Kynsna was great!”
2. “I was in Knysna… seriously? Men in Knysna?”
This is true, as far as I have seen, there aren’t many single guys in Knysna – it’s quite a couple destination. But secondly, I don’t go on holiday to find a man! I go to relax, spend time with my family and do fun stuff that I don’t do at home.
I really hope to one day meet that person who makes me want to choose them over my single lifestyle. Someone who makes me want to compromise and include them in everything. I’ve met guys that I would do this for but the timing is wrong, something goes wrong or I just wasn’t ready for commitment. This is going to sound really arrogant, but if there is someone good enough, then I’m all for jumping right in! So until then, I will keep getting set up and keep meeting new guys because well, you just never know!
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Just a little something about me...
I can't wait around (and shouldn't be expected to) for someone to decide whether I'm the one they want, that I'm good enough for them and that I'm actually what they're looking for. I am not a consolation prize… I’m first prize.
I should not have to be compared with other girls for you to realise how great I actually am. You should see it and be happy with it and love it. And not wonder if there is something better.
I will not play games. It should be straightforward and open. We are past that, it’s unnecessary. If you don't know what you really want, you need to decide first before you start the journey or at least be honest about it throughout. Don't lead people on. It’s not fair to them to play with their emotions... especially people who don't open up easily because of past pain and disappointment.
You're not the only one who has been hurt or who has cried so hard because of someone else that you didn't think you'd survive it. But you did. And you learnt and grew from it. Don't be that person who taught you the lesson... Be the person who teaches in a good way, through love and honesty, not pain, hurt and selfishness.
Be a decent guy. Honesty and straightforwardness are appreciated. It may be hard to hear but it is appreciated in the long run, it saves a lot of future pain and sadness.
Love me and choose me for me. I'm a great catch. I have so much to give. I just need a chance to show it.
I should not have to be compared with other girls for you to realise how great I actually am. You should see it and be happy with it and love it. And not wonder if there is something better.
I will not play games. It should be straightforward and open. We are past that, it’s unnecessary. If you don't know what you really want, you need to decide first before you start the journey or at least be honest about it throughout. Don't lead people on. It’s not fair to them to play with their emotions... especially people who don't open up easily because of past pain and disappointment.
You're not the only one who has been hurt or who has cried so hard because of someone else that you didn't think you'd survive it. But you did. And you learnt and grew from it. Don't be that person who taught you the lesson... Be the person who teaches in a good way, through love and honesty, not pain, hurt and selfishness.
Be a decent guy. Honesty and straightforwardness are appreciated. It may be hard to hear but it is appreciated in the long run, it saves a lot of future pain and sadness.
There is always risk involved, you just need to put your big girl panties on and give it a try. Sure, you could get your heart broken again but you could also find that one person who makes your heart so happy you think it will burst! You need to take a chance or you'll never find out.
If you want to date me, just ask. There’s a good chance I’ll say yes and give it my best shot. All I ask is that you treat me right and we’ll be happier than we ever dreamed possible.
Friday, 6 January 2012
Friends like these...
We all have friends. Some have more than others. With the advent of Facebook, those of us on FB have more ‘friends’ than we knew we actually had. But the fact of the matter is that we pick our friends. They’re the family we choose.
At the moment, I have a close group of friends and who I can spend time with either individually or as a group and they all get along with each other – bonus! Everyone is similar enough to get along but different enough to make it fun and interesting. We all have different relationship histories – married, divorced, dating, single. We all have different taste in men – helps limit competitiveness, all have successful careers, some have pets, some have children. But the fact of the matter is that when we get together (whether one on one or in a group), we have fun and enjoy ourselves. We can go bar hopping, have a fondue, go to movies, go away for a weekend or just sit around talking and laughing. It doesn’t really matter where we are, what we’re doing or what’s happening around us.
The one thing I have found lately is that I don’t really have any male friends at the moment – not like I used to! I used to be one of the boys and only had a couple girlfriends. The opposite is true now. Sure, I have a guy friend I’ve known for many years, who I see every couple weeks, but it’s become quite a superficial catch up thing. Earlier last year, I tried to cultivate a male friendship and it almost worked… then he got drunk, sent me naughty messages and decided he wasn’t able to be my friend. I tried again recently and ended up in bed with him… and I am now stuck with undefined uncertainty about what’s going on. It really does get more difficult as you get older and people settle down. Maybe there is no such thing as a platonic friendship when it comes to single men and women?
I have also found that some friends come with a sell by date. These are the friends who are awesome and lots of fun but only for a period of time. The relationship isn’t particularly sustainable and tends to fizzle out when something changes, like a job, life direction, new romantic relationship or new friendship. You get tired of being the person to always make the effort. They just die a quiet death though there is sometimes the obligatory “How have you been?” message once in a while. I have a couple prime examples…
I had a friend from my waitressing days. We got on really well, always had fun and she became my first housemate. We worked completely different hours (I was in corporate, she was still in the restaurant industry) so we saw just enough of each other. She then had a terrible car accident and spent the next 5 months in (a government) hospital. I visited a couple times a week, supported her and did what friends do. During this time, the new relationship with her boyfriend (now husband) grew and she moved in with him a couple months after she finally got released from hospital. It was a happy time for all, though her parents realised they were losing control of her life (they were crazy controlling, even has full access to her bank accounts so they could monitor what she spent her money on!!). I’d message her every couple months and we’d get together for dinner and a catch up. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. She then told me her mother had decided the wedding was family only so I was uninvited. I then saw on Facebook that she was “really looking forward to her hen’s party with all her special friends”. I was not included. Cue stab to the heart and twist that knife! So that was that… If I wasn’t part of her life anymore, then I would reciprocate in kind and deleted her. Looking back, she was fun at a time when we didn’t have too much responsibility and were just starting out, but I moved on. She stayed there and stayed the person who was pushed around by her boss, her parents and her sister.
Another friend is the kind of friend who moves from person to person every year or two. She becomes great friends with someone, you have a great time and then someone new appears. The current friendship eventually fizzles out and the pattern is repeated with the next person. Obviously this happened to our friendship, but I don’t really mind. We were moving in different directions, old friends who I didn’t really like or get on with were resurfacing, so it was actually a blessing in disguise. We all have limited “fun time” and I want to spend it with people I really like and whose company I enjoy. I don’t want to sit there holding my tongue so that I don’t upset anyone by saying what I really think.
Then there are the friends you will have forever. Thelma and I have been friends since we were little. It didn’t start that way… we met at nursery school when we were 4. I was apparently mean to her because she was so funny looking – kids can be so mean!! We went to the same primary school and also had a lift club - we lived 500m apart. Somehow we became very close in high school, even though we were at different schools. We became partners in crime, got up to ALL sorts of things… smoking drinking, boys… the usual teenage stuff. The rest of the story is in my “What If ?” post. We are still great friends and talk often. We’ve had two really big fights (my fault completely) and have gotten past them. Despite our very different lives, we have enough in common (not just a history) to still stay close. We are still great friends and I think we will be for another 30 years!
Friends are people you can talk to about anything. They are there for you no matter what. They don’t judge you and accept you for all your flaws and for the mistakes you make. Friends tell you he was no good for you, but you went back anyway and they will still be there when he breaks your heart again and won’t say “I told you so” – well not to your face. They are there for the good and the bad, they support you, encourage you, keep your secrets, tell you the truth and give you advice. They tell you if your bum looks fat in that, they tell you that you look great in that new dress and they will shop with you for hours to find that perfect pair of shoes.
At the moment, I have a close group of friends and who I can spend time with either individually or as a group and they all get along with each other – bonus! Everyone is similar enough to get along but different enough to make it fun and interesting. We all have different relationship histories – married, divorced, dating, single. We all have different taste in men – helps limit competitiveness, all have successful careers, some have pets, some have children. But the fact of the matter is that when we get together (whether one on one or in a group), we have fun and enjoy ourselves. We can go bar hopping, have a fondue, go to movies, go away for a weekend or just sit around talking and laughing. It doesn’t really matter where we are, what we’re doing or what’s happening around us.
The one thing I have found lately is that I don’t really have any male friends at the moment – not like I used to! I used to be one of the boys and only had a couple girlfriends. The opposite is true now. Sure, I have a guy friend I’ve known for many years, who I see every couple weeks, but it’s become quite a superficial catch up thing. Earlier last year, I tried to cultivate a male friendship and it almost worked… then he got drunk, sent me naughty messages and decided he wasn’t able to be my friend. I tried again recently and ended up in bed with him… and I am now stuck with undefined uncertainty about what’s going on. It really does get more difficult as you get older and people settle down. Maybe there is no such thing as a platonic friendship when it comes to single men and women?
I have also found that some friends come with a sell by date. These are the friends who are awesome and lots of fun but only for a period of time. The relationship isn’t particularly sustainable and tends to fizzle out when something changes, like a job, life direction, new romantic relationship or new friendship. You get tired of being the person to always make the effort. They just die a quiet death though there is sometimes the obligatory “How have you been?” message once in a while. I have a couple prime examples…
I had a friend from my waitressing days. We got on really well, always had fun and she became my first housemate. We worked completely different hours (I was in corporate, she was still in the restaurant industry) so we saw just enough of each other. She then had a terrible car accident and spent the next 5 months in (a government) hospital. I visited a couple times a week, supported her and did what friends do. During this time, the new relationship with her boyfriend (now husband) grew and she moved in with him a couple months after she finally got released from hospital. It was a happy time for all, though her parents realised they were losing control of her life (they were crazy controlling, even has full access to her bank accounts so they could monitor what she spent her money on!!). I’d message her every couple months and we’d get together for dinner and a catch up. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. She then told me her mother had decided the wedding was family only so I was uninvited. I then saw on Facebook that she was “really looking forward to her hen’s party with all her special friends”. I was not included. Cue stab to the heart and twist that knife! So that was that… If I wasn’t part of her life anymore, then I would reciprocate in kind and deleted her. Looking back, she was fun at a time when we didn’t have too much responsibility and were just starting out, but I moved on. She stayed there and stayed the person who was pushed around by her boss, her parents and her sister.
Another friend is the kind of friend who moves from person to person every year or two. She becomes great friends with someone, you have a great time and then someone new appears. The current friendship eventually fizzles out and the pattern is repeated with the next person. Obviously this happened to our friendship, but I don’t really mind. We were moving in different directions, old friends who I didn’t really like or get on with were resurfacing, so it was actually a blessing in disguise. We all have limited “fun time” and I want to spend it with people I really like and whose company I enjoy. I don’t want to sit there holding my tongue so that I don’t upset anyone by saying what I really think.
Then there are the friends you will have forever. Thelma and I have been friends since we were little. It didn’t start that way… we met at nursery school when we were 4. I was apparently mean to her because she was so funny looking – kids can be so mean!! We went to the same primary school and also had a lift club - we lived 500m apart. Somehow we became very close in high school, even though we were at different schools. We became partners in crime, got up to ALL sorts of things… smoking drinking, boys… the usual teenage stuff. The rest of the story is in my “What If ?” post. We are still great friends and talk often. We’ve had two really big fights (my fault completely) and have gotten past them. Despite our very different lives, we have enough in common (not just a history) to still stay close. We are still great friends and I think we will be for another 30 years!
Friends do come and go. The trick is to find the ones who will be there for you and who you want to be there for. They’re not all the same and all bring something different to the table. This is what keeps it interesting. There comes a point when you realise who really matters, who never did, and who always will.
Thursday, 5 January 2012
Here we go again…
So, it’s 2012. 2011 was a good year for the most part and I am going to reflect on what was and what will hopefully be. It’s a helpful tracking tool :)
So workwise, things went very well. I officially got a great new boss, was given more responsibility and got to work on the things I enjoy. I’m hoping that things will keep going well this year… job hunting is just such a mission!
On the friend front, I spent some great times with really close friends and have developed some really special friendships with a group of girls who are similar but who each bring something new and different to the group. I also started a new bookclub due to irritation issues at the last one and it’s all going great! Decent books and decent conversation guaranteed once a month.
Health wise, I don’t know if I’ve ever been healthier! I saw a doctor twice the entire year (and once was a formality). I started working out with a personal trainer (whose company I actually enjoy and don’t mind the punishment) and have lost some centimetres and have firmed up a lot. My drinking has been a bit on the excessive side once in a while, but that’s easy to rein in along with my eating habits.
On the man front, what’s there to say… I dated someone for a couple months, it didn’t work out. I did learn a lesson or two, so it wasn’t all in vain. I’ve met some interesting guys along the way. I’ve had a few crushes, though nothing really came of any of them. But I guess that initial excitement is still fun, even considering the ego knocks.
I have a new house, my cat still loves me and my family is healthy! I also went to Italy for a couple weeks by myself in April and had a fantastic time! So all in all, a good year!
And now bring on 2012!! So, what are the plans for this year? What resolutions need to be made? I’m not really a fan of resolutions, especially just because it’s a new year – they should be made at any time really. But I suppose this is as good a time as any to start fresh and better yourself, so here goes!
I will not be a control freak. I never used to be SUCH a control freak… it seems that the lawyers (my clients) I work for are rubbing off on me. It’s not the worst thing in the world, it does help with my work and the events I do, but I really need to keep it out of my personal life! I used to be a more spontaneous, go-with-the-flow kind of person. Now I mentally plan as much as I can whenever I’m doing something. And of course this leads to some disappointment. So, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop (if all goes according to plan (: ). I will now make a suggestion or extend an invitation and if I get a response then good, if not, then I’ll find something else to do and someone else to spend time with. Easy!
I would like to have a healthy, happy, real relationship with a man. I’m ready for it and have a lot to offer, so I don’t see the problem. I just need someone who is on the same level, not someone who isn’t sure what he wants and would still like to keep his options open. I deserve to be the first and only choice. I am not settling for anything less. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want someone who will idolise me and do anything I ask (that just gets boring!) but just someone who respects me, who only has eyes for me and isn’t second guessing his choice.
And maybe I’ll try not to be so judgmental… though I’m not sure about that one. It’s just SO fun sometimes! But I can throw in positivity rather for the meantime, to keep the karma gods happy.
And of course the standard resolutions apply… lose weight, get fit and be more awesome (if at all possible)! :) And of course, I resolve to do some more regular blogging!
Well, good luck to those of you who are also attempting resolutions, let’s see if this really is the year to get it all done.
Monday, 12 December 2011
The art of the break up
I was out having a glass of wine with a friend the other day and the topic inevitably turned to men. We discussed the latest ones on the scene, those we had seen around and who weren’t looking as good as we remembered and then how things had ended with some of these men. I think everyone has been the victim of a bad breakup, whether it’s a messy one or one that is less than satisfactory – the ones with lots of loose ends.
There should be a basic protocol that should be followed when breaking up with someone. Now I can’t comment on the best way to end a long-term serious relationship, but I can comment on the rest. First, don’t just disappear. That’s just cowardly! And in this day and age quite a difficult thing to do! Everyone is so available, you have at least 5 different ways to get hold of someone, so disappearing is impossible. Having all these various communication channels also makes it easier for people to break up using the wrong medium. It is NOT ok to dump someone by writing on their Facebook wall, by changing your relationship status or mentioning them in a Tweet – “Hi @insertname, I think we should break up #ItsNotYouItsMe”. You should also avoid email and sms and just go the face to face or phone call route. It used to be that it was face to face or nothing – unless you were attempting a long distance relationship and then a call was ok.
Now when it comes to reasons, a lot of people become unstuck. You want to tell the truth, but you don’t want to be too harsh. No one likes to look like a dick afterwards! You CANNOT say “I guess like your favourite book says, I’m just not that into you”!!! No one quotes scripture when they break up with someone – well not in my world! You also can’t say “it’s because I think I have a real shot with your best friend”.
However, I think that if the other person does have their wits about them and has questions, you should answer them and probably do it as truthfully as possible, while still being sensitive. If not, you’re leaving loose ends and more questions.
Also, what is protocol when it comes to gifts and tokens? If someone has bought you a car and it’s in your name, do you give it back? Do you give back a ring, especially one with a really big, pretty, sparkly stone? My first response would be no, especially if you’re the one who’s been dumped – it’s kind of like severance pay. And you don’t take presents back when you break up with a friend… a gift is a gift. Though on the flip side, if I were to break someone’s heart for whatever reason, I may feel guilty enough to give them something back… I’m just not sure what, maybe a photo frame or something?
So if you find yourself in the awkward and painful position of being the one to break up with someone, just think about how you would like to be broken up with and apply it to the situation. If you don’t, you never know, you may be broken up with on Facebook with a message like “Your dick is too small. I think we should see other people. Oh! And by the way, I’m dating your much more well-endowed brother… guess we know who got the good genes in the family!”
There should be a basic protocol that should be followed when breaking up with someone. Now I can’t comment on the best way to end a long-term serious relationship, but I can comment on the rest. First, don’t just disappear. That’s just cowardly! And in this day and age quite a difficult thing to do! Everyone is so available, you have at least 5 different ways to get hold of someone, so disappearing is impossible. Having all these various communication channels also makes it easier for people to break up using the wrong medium. It is NOT ok to dump someone by writing on their Facebook wall, by changing your relationship status or mentioning them in a Tweet – “Hi @insertname, I think we should break up #ItsNotYouItsMe”. You should also avoid email and sms and just go the face to face or phone call route. It used to be that it was face to face or nothing – unless you were attempting a long distance relationship and then a call was ok.
Now when it comes to reasons, a lot of people become unstuck. You want to tell the truth, but you don’t want to be too harsh. No one likes to look like a dick afterwards! You CANNOT say “I guess like your favourite book says, I’m just not that into you”!!! No one quotes scripture when they break up with someone – well not in my world! You also can’t say “it’s because I think I have a real shot with your best friend”.
However, I think that if the other person does have their wits about them and has questions, you should answer them and probably do it as truthfully as possible, while still being sensitive. If not, you’re leaving loose ends and more questions.
Also, what is protocol when it comes to gifts and tokens? If someone has bought you a car and it’s in your name, do you give it back? Do you give back a ring, especially one with a really big, pretty, sparkly stone? My first response would be no, especially if you’re the one who’s been dumped – it’s kind of like severance pay. And you don’t take presents back when you break up with a friend… a gift is a gift. Though on the flip side, if I were to break someone’s heart for whatever reason, I may feel guilty enough to give them something back… I’m just not sure what, maybe a photo frame or something?
So if you find yourself in the awkward and painful position of being the one to break up with someone, just think about how you would like to be broken up with and apply it to the situation. If you don’t, you never know, you may be broken up with on Facebook with a message like “Your dick is too small. I think we should see other people. Oh! And by the way, I’m dating your much more well-endowed brother… guess we know who got the good genes in the family!”
The Game
I am busy reading the book, The Game by Neil Strauss. It’s a very interesting book about how to be a player, apparently with the aim of finding the right woman or something along those lines.
What brought this about was a sneaky suspicion that I may be being played. And considering that I thought I knew the Game pretty well and have played it for many years, this was not ayoba! I have seen this book around, on various men’s bookshelves… This was a book I could no longer ignore and had to know more about. So I bought it and the follow up book, “The Rules of the Game”. I now consider myself a bit more educated in the way of the pick-up and feel confident that I can spot a pick-up if need be. Although, I’m not sure if guys are consciously doing it.
So far, I have learnt a couple things from the (first) book and have put some of the techniques to use, with positive results! For example, he talks about ‘negging’. This is when you pay someone an underhanded compliment. I used it on a young, hot colleague of mine. He was showing off his (very impressive) biceps, so I said “Nice, but I’ve seen better”. He then tried to change my mind the rest of the night. And obviously I got to squeeze them regularly, in a bid to change my mind. It got even more fun when I told him that his best friend was above him on my “Hot List”.
Some of the techniques in the book are a bit over the top and sometimes just ridiculous. Things like learning magic tricks, NLP, hypnosis and so on. The way I see it, you shouldn’t have to do all sorts of tricks to pick up a girl.
Something else I have noticed while “out in the field” is that a lot of guys have a problem with the
follow up. They can make a great opening, but then fail to impress further. For example, I was out with the girls on Friday night and a guy walked past and said he would also be looking after us, just after our waiter had introduced himself and said the same thing. Not a bad start… later he came to speak to us, with his married friend in tow – who left about 10 minutes later. From then, this guy proceeded to dig himself deeper and deeper into the “I’m a moron” hole. He showed off his car keys (Mercedes – an old man car), his horse, talked about how he loved hunting (which I refused to talk to him about, because I don’t agree with it), spoke into his walkie talkie (he apparently owns a security company), even dropped his pants (not his boxers, thank god!!) and the list goes on! Eventually he left because we were talking amongst ourselves and having a giggle at his expense. But before he left, he decided it would be a great idea to surprise me with a big smooch… not the best surprise, but bless him, he tried! And left us with A LOT of good private laughs!
So the lesson here is if you think got Game you need to back it up… this isn’t a sprint, it’s a
marathon. Don’t be a chop.
I must say that is quite a fun social experiment so far… I could really have some fun with this,
though I do think it gets a bit boring and empty eventually. People shouldn’t have to have plays that they run to meet each other. It’s real life, not a basketball game.
What brought this about was a sneaky suspicion that I may be being played. And considering that I thought I knew the Game pretty well and have played it for many years, this was not ayoba! I have seen this book around, on various men’s bookshelves… This was a book I could no longer ignore and had to know more about. So I bought it and the follow up book, “The Rules of the Game”. I now consider myself a bit more educated in the way of the pick-up and feel confident that I can spot a pick-up if need be. Although, I’m not sure if guys are consciously doing it.
So far, I have learnt a couple things from the (first) book and have put some of the techniques to use, with positive results! For example, he talks about ‘negging’. This is when you pay someone an underhanded compliment. I used it on a young, hot colleague of mine. He was showing off his (very impressive) biceps, so I said “Nice, but I’ve seen better”. He then tried to change my mind the rest of the night. And obviously I got to squeeze them regularly, in a bid to change my mind. It got even more fun when I told him that his best friend was above him on my “Hot List”.
Some of the techniques in the book are a bit over the top and sometimes just ridiculous. Things like learning magic tricks, NLP, hypnosis and so on. The way I see it, you shouldn’t have to do all sorts of tricks to pick up a girl.
Something else I have noticed while “out in the field” is that a lot of guys have a problem with the
follow up. They can make a great opening, but then fail to impress further. For example, I was out with the girls on Friday night and a guy walked past and said he would also be looking after us, just after our waiter had introduced himself and said the same thing. Not a bad start… later he came to speak to us, with his married friend in tow – who left about 10 minutes later. From then, this guy proceeded to dig himself deeper and deeper into the “I’m a moron” hole. He showed off his car keys (Mercedes – an old man car), his horse, talked about how he loved hunting (which I refused to talk to him about, because I don’t agree with it), spoke into his walkie talkie (he apparently owns a security company), even dropped his pants (not his boxers, thank god!!) and the list goes on! Eventually he left because we were talking amongst ourselves and having a giggle at his expense. But before he left, he decided it would be a great idea to surprise me with a big smooch… not the best surprise, but bless him, he tried! And left us with A LOT of good private laughs!
So the lesson here is if you think got Game you need to back it up… this isn’t a sprint, it’s a
marathon. Don’t be a chop.
I must say that is quite a fun social experiment so far… I could really have some fun with this,
though I do think it gets a bit boring and empty eventually. People shouldn’t have to have plays that they run to meet each other. It’s real life, not a basketball game.
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
What if??
You know those times when you’re sitting quietly alone and your mind wanders… quite often it wanders into the world of “What If”. What if I’d turned right? What if I’d said yes? What if I’d waited a little bit longer?
Maybe it’s because the end of yet another year is around the corner, but lately I’ve been doing a lot of “What If’ing”. Some of it is just random wondering, but some of it has been quite deep and a bit on the depressing side when all is said and done.
For example… if my parents hadn’t been the parents they are and had let me follow my 17 year old heart, and I had moved to East London to be with my first. Where would I be now? Would I be sitting in East London, bored out of my mind, with three children, running a coffee shop? Would I have lost my mind and moved back to Joburg with a couple years of my life to catch up on? Thank god they had the common sense I didn’t! Though the whole situation worked itself out in the end anyway – as these things tend to do.
Another example… my friend ‘Thelma’ and I have been friends since we were four. We were planning on both going to RAU. For matric holiday, we spent some time in Sodwana. We fell in love with the place and the lifestyle. Her mom said she could move there in early the next year, my parents said “Not a chance in hell, university is non-negotiable”. She went, I stayed. She lived a great life – I did get to visit every 3 months. I became a student and partied and (eventually) studied hard. She met the love of her life and they have been together for 15 years and are still madly in love. I am still single, with nothing resembling a great track record in that department. She lives in Cape Town, has her own company making environmentally friendly cleaning products (www.betterearth.co.za), two gorgeous daughters and a loving husband. I live in Joburg, work at a law firm doing Marketing (that I studied and really enjoy) and live alone with my cat. So what would our lives look like if we hadn’t taken those paths? What would she be doing if she’d followed a similar one to mine? When I asked Thelma what she thought of this, she said she probably would’ve ended up in a similar position anyway – and I agree, I think it’s her destiny, as this is mine.
But really, what if I had put in more effort with a particular guy, or what if I hadn’t been so annoyed by a particular habit? What if he was more into me, took time to get to know the real me and accepted my flaws or issues. Would I be happily married (or happily divorced), would I have a kid or two and would I be driving a Porsche?
I believe that there is an element of fate or destiny involved, but I sometimes wonder whether I would be on a different path if I wasn’t too impulsive (and hedonistic) in some situations or too undecided in others?
Note: Impulsiveness and procrastination are really hard personality traits to balance!
Rejection (especially the unexpected kind) always brings up these doubts with me and leads to hours of reflection. No one likes to be rejected, but it does cause a fair amount of self-doubt. Questions like why am I not good enough for anyone, what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong in my previous life that I’m now alone, haven’t I been punished enough by always finding the assholes?
After a while and a couple glasses of wine, it seems that the answer becomes obvious… maybe it’s not meant for me? Maybe I am not one of those people who needs to be part of a pair, maybe everything I have is enough? I figure that if I’m still single and relationships consistently don’t work out, maybe it’s because they’re not supposed to? A fair assumption, right?
I reached this conclusion a few months back and really came to terms with it. I started focusing more of myself, my friends and family and started having more fun because of the awesome company I had. I started training with a personal trainer – so that was 2 hours a week of undivided male attention – and I feel healthier and fitter. And I decided not to date or let men get in the way, because everything was awesome without them.
Then…what I was expecting to be a one night stand became someone I chatted to every day and eventually ended in one of the best dates ever. And that’s where it ended - well, that’s what I assume since he seems to not be that into me? So falling back into my usual patterns, I questioned, reflected, felt sorry for myself, listened to the advice of all sorts of people, worked out really hard and got over it – in record time! I realised that no amount of “What If-ing” would change things. He is who he is with his issues and I am who I am with mine… if it’s not meant to be, why try to understand it? It just is.
So I think that is enough “What If-ing” for the time being and I’m going back to who I was a month ago! That awesome, happy, confident and independent person I REALLY like!
Maybe it’s because the end of yet another year is around the corner, but lately I’ve been doing a lot of “What If’ing”. Some of it is just random wondering, but some of it has been quite deep and a bit on the depressing side when all is said and done.
For example… if my parents hadn’t been the parents they are and had let me follow my 17 year old heart, and I had moved to East London to be with my first. Where would I be now? Would I be sitting in East London, bored out of my mind, with three children, running a coffee shop? Would I have lost my mind and moved back to Joburg with a couple years of my life to catch up on? Thank god they had the common sense I didn’t! Though the whole situation worked itself out in the end anyway – as these things tend to do.
Another example… my friend ‘Thelma’ and I have been friends since we were four. We were planning on both going to RAU. For matric holiday, we spent some time in Sodwana. We fell in love with the place and the lifestyle. Her mom said she could move there in early the next year, my parents said “Not a chance in hell, university is non-negotiable”. She went, I stayed. She lived a great life – I did get to visit every 3 months. I became a student and partied and (eventually) studied hard. She met the love of her life and they have been together for 15 years and are still madly in love. I am still single, with nothing resembling a great track record in that department. She lives in Cape Town, has her own company making environmentally friendly cleaning products (www.betterearth.co.za), two gorgeous daughters and a loving husband. I live in Joburg, work at a law firm doing Marketing (that I studied and really enjoy) and live alone with my cat. So what would our lives look like if we hadn’t taken those paths? What would she be doing if she’d followed a similar one to mine? When I asked Thelma what she thought of this, she said she probably would’ve ended up in a similar position anyway – and I agree, I think it’s her destiny, as this is mine.
But really, what if I had put in more effort with a particular guy, or what if I hadn’t been so annoyed by a particular habit? What if he was more into me, took time to get to know the real me and accepted my flaws or issues. Would I be happily married (or happily divorced), would I have a kid or two and would I be driving a Porsche?
I believe that there is an element of fate or destiny involved, but I sometimes wonder whether I would be on a different path if I wasn’t too impulsive (and hedonistic) in some situations or too undecided in others?
Note: Impulsiveness and procrastination are really hard personality traits to balance!
Rejection (especially the unexpected kind) always brings up these doubts with me and leads to hours of reflection. No one likes to be rejected, but it does cause a fair amount of self-doubt. Questions like why am I not good enough for anyone, what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong in my previous life that I’m now alone, haven’t I been punished enough by always finding the assholes?
After a while and a couple glasses of wine, it seems that the answer becomes obvious… maybe it’s not meant for me? Maybe I am not one of those people who needs to be part of a pair, maybe everything I have is enough? I figure that if I’m still single and relationships consistently don’t work out, maybe it’s because they’re not supposed to? A fair assumption, right?
I reached this conclusion a few months back and really came to terms with it. I started focusing more of myself, my friends and family and started having more fun because of the awesome company I had. I started training with a personal trainer – so that was 2 hours a week of undivided male attention – and I feel healthier and fitter. And I decided not to date or let men get in the way, because everything was awesome without them.
Then…what I was expecting to be a one night stand became someone I chatted to every day and eventually ended in one of the best dates ever. And that’s where it ended - well, that’s what I assume since he seems to not be that into me? So falling back into my usual patterns, I questioned, reflected, felt sorry for myself, listened to the advice of all sorts of people, worked out really hard and got over it – in record time! I realised that no amount of “What If-ing” would change things. He is who he is with his issues and I am who I am with mine… if it’s not meant to be, why try to understand it? It just is.
So I think that is enough “What If-ing” for the time being and I’m going back to who I was a month ago! That awesome, happy, confident and independent person I REALLY like!
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Top 10 things guys don't want to hear
I found this fantastic article online… and my comments are obviously included (in blue)!
10. "Are you done?"
Any woman who has had sex, ever, has at least thought this if not asked it. The idea that the longer you last the better comes from men’s magazines and romance novels. Over 30 minutes of sex is really not fun…. it gets uncomfortable – ladies get stiff in the wrong places and it begins to chaff. This is where the saying “I only smoke after sex” comes from. Seriously, get in there, do you thing (well) and get out, if you haven’t hit the spot after 15 minutes, I have a feeling you’re not going to. I know this will deflate egos (among other things) but seriously, by that stage, WE DON’T CARE!
9. "We should take dancing lessons!"
This statement can strike fear on two levels: For one, you’ll be learning the cha-cha in a room full of other hapless guys who will only serve to remind you of your own sad fate. And secondly, the next wedding or social function you attend, your girlfriend will undoubtedly want to show off your whole repertoire, from Foxtrot to Charleston. Ready for centre stage? We didn't think so.
8. "Notice anything different?"
If you have to ask, he's not going to know...
Why do you never want to hear her say this? Because it’s a minefield, my friend. You guess she got a haircut. She didn’t, and is angry you suggested it. You then guess she’s wearing a new outfit; she’s not, and now she’s even angrier. You grasp at another guess; she did her nails. Wrong! Now you’re officially the most insensitive man on the planet and she lets you know it. “How could you not notice my new eyebrows?” You failed, you loser. Time to pony up for flowers and a night out, pronto.
7. "Don't worry, he's just my ex."
It is very rare that you can actually stay friends with an ex and not reminisce about the old times, whatever feelings went with that relationship or the great sex you used to have. We like to think we can, but alas, we can’t. Generally, one of you starts feeling the old (good) feelings again, remembering the good times. Unless you have kept your old diary where you wrote down exactly why you broke up and what an idiot he was, you will forget the bad and annoying. This is never a safe place to be especially when you have a relationship with someone else on the go.
6. "It's OK, it's not contagious."
Being a sufferer of the occasional fever blister this is not something I want to hear or say! Why would you take the chance? Whether its herpes or a cold, you don’t give to people, that’s just not nice!
Care for some herpes simplex? Painful STD? Better to first assess what your wife/girlfriend is talking about. Then Google it to death and cross-reference it with a doctor. Be prepared for the backlash. Once you refuse to touch her, she may feel like she’s in quarantine and consider you an inhumane, cruel man. But happily you’ll be infection-free, though possibly girlfriend-free as well.
5. "We need to talk."
No one likes to hear these words, in most circumstances… much like how I don’t like people using my name while talking to me (always gives me the feeling I’ve done something wrong). It’s a phrase where you automatically expect the worst and it usually doesn’t disappoint.
Cue the dramatic music, please. This heavy phrase you never want to hear her say is the classic tip-off that something bad is about to happen. And in the few seconds before she tells you what that bad thing is, your stomach flips around like a fish in a frying pan as you think about the range of possibilities. Is it over? Does she want time away? Did you forget the milk, again? Regardless, one thing is clear: you are about to be told you are deficient in some way, and it ain't gonna be pretty.
4. "Do you know what day today is?"
10. "Are you done?"
Any woman who has had sex, ever, has at least thought this if not asked it. The idea that the longer you last the better comes from men’s magazines and romance novels. Over 30 minutes of sex is really not fun…. it gets uncomfortable – ladies get stiff in the wrong places and it begins to chaff. This is where the saying “I only smoke after sex” comes from. Seriously, get in there, do you thing (well) and get out, if you haven’t hit the spot after 15 minutes, I have a feeling you’re not going to. I know this will deflate egos (among other things) but seriously, by that stage, WE DON’T CARE!
9. "We should take dancing lessons!"
This statement can strike fear on two levels: For one, you’ll be learning the cha-cha in a room full of other hapless guys who will only serve to remind you of your own sad fate. And secondly, the next wedding or social function you attend, your girlfriend will undoubtedly want to show off your whole repertoire, from Foxtrot to Charleston. Ready for centre stage? We didn't think so.
8. "Notice anything different?"
If you have to ask, he's not going to know...
Why do you never want to hear her say this? Because it’s a minefield, my friend. You guess she got a haircut. She didn’t, and is angry you suggested it. You then guess she’s wearing a new outfit; she’s not, and now she’s even angrier. You grasp at another guess; she did her nails. Wrong! Now you’re officially the most insensitive man on the planet and she lets you know it. “How could you not notice my new eyebrows?” You failed, you loser. Time to pony up for flowers and a night out, pronto.
7. "Don't worry, he's just my ex."
It is very rare that you can actually stay friends with an ex and not reminisce about the old times, whatever feelings went with that relationship or the great sex you used to have. We like to think we can, but alas, we can’t. Generally, one of you starts feeling the old (good) feelings again, remembering the good times. Unless you have kept your old diary where you wrote down exactly why you broke up and what an idiot he was, you will forget the bad and annoying. This is never a safe place to be especially when you have a relationship with someone else on the go.
6. "It's OK, it's not contagious."
Being a sufferer of the occasional fever blister this is not something I want to hear or say! Why would you take the chance? Whether its herpes or a cold, you don’t give to people, that’s just not nice!
Care for some herpes simplex? Painful STD? Better to first assess what your wife/girlfriend is talking about. Then Google it to death and cross-reference it with a doctor. Be prepared for the backlash. Once you refuse to touch her, she may feel like she’s in quarantine and consider you an inhumane, cruel man. But happily you’ll be infection-free, though possibly girlfriend-free as well.
5. "We need to talk."
No one likes to hear these words, in most circumstances… much like how I don’t like people using my name while talking to me (always gives me the feeling I’ve done something wrong). It’s a phrase where you automatically expect the worst and it usually doesn’t disappoint.
Cue the dramatic music, please. This heavy phrase you never want to hear her say is the classic tip-off that something bad is about to happen. And in the few seconds before she tells you what that bad thing is, your stomach flips around like a fish in a frying pan as you think about the range of possibilities. Is it over? Does she want time away? Did you forget the milk, again? Regardless, one thing is clear: you are about to be told you are deficient in some way, and it ain't gonna be pretty.
4. "Do you know what day today is?"
Again, if you have to ask...
Quick. Think. The dog's birthday? Your parents' anniversary? Wednesday? Like the No. 8 thing you never want to hear her say on our list, this can be an open-ended hell for any man. You throw out ideas and every wrong answer you get, you inch closer to sleeping on the couch for an undetermined period of time. We would like to offer a few words of advice regarding this nightmarish situation: Always pick important relationship-related dates if you must make an idiotic guess, and for God's sake, write down all significant dates.
3. "I've been thinking..."
Uh oh. First of all, this means you need to get comfortable. Her thinking could mean anything from talking about the "state of your union” to how you can improve your attitude, language, style, or why you should join Kabbalah. Thinking is essential in every other context, but in this one, it can be disastrous.
2. "I'm late."
This is one of those phrases you as a woman never want to say because it generally means, “we’ve had sex, something went wrong, we’re not married/serious/compatible in the long term and if this is what I think it is, I’m bound to you for the rest of my life – and I really don’t know if that works for me.” AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! Again, this phrase also has a negative connotation, I don’t know many people who can put a positive, happy spin on it when they say it.
No, we don't mean for work. For every guy who has ever heard this, it's come out sounding more like “Your life is over.” No amount of commitment is going to make this statement any easier to take. We won't even get into the impact this would have coming from a one-night stand…
The impact these two little words can have on any man is just too great to put into actual words, but we'll try: nine months of hell, sleepless nights, crying, breast milk, hormones - OK, we just can't go on.
1. "Aw, it's so cute!"
If you add in a finger tickle gesture, it really just makes it worse. Again, I’m sure most ladies have at one stage wanted to say these very words! I have a friend who once said this to her husband after he got out of the bath and wondered why he didn’t speak to her for two weeks, because it was in fact cute and she thought he would see the humour as well. Really? You cannot demean a man’s member! It’s his pride and joy – I’m sure you’ve had one paraded in front of you or swung around for your benefit. This is the male version of being told that your butt looks fat or that he really likes how you have love handles for him to hold on to.
3. "I've been thinking..."
Uh oh. First of all, this means you need to get comfortable. Her thinking could mean anything from talking about the "state of your union” to how you can improve your attitude, language, style, or why you should join Kabbalah. Thinking is essential in every other context, but in this one, it can be disastrous.
2. "I'm late."
This is one of those phrases you as a woman never want to say because it generally means, “we’ve had sex, something went wrong, we’re not married/serious/compatible in the long term and if this is what I think it is, I’m bound to you for the rest of my life – and I really don’t know if that works for me.” AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! Again, this phrase also has a negative connotation, I don’t know many people who can put a positive, happy spin on it when they say it.
No, we don't mean for work. For every guy who has ever heard this, it's come out sounding more like “Your life is over.” No amount of commitment is going to make this statement any easier to take. We won't even get into the impact this would have coming from a one-night stand…
The impact these two little words can have on any man is just too great to put into actual words, but we'll try: nine months of hell, sleepless nights, crying, breast milk, hormones - OK, we just can't go on.
1. "Aw, it's so cute!"
If you add in a finger tickle gesture, it really just makes it worse. Again, I’m sure most ladies have at one stage wanted to say these very words! I have a friend who once said this to her husband after he got out of the bath and wondered why he didn’t speak to her for two weeks, because it was in fact cute and she thought he would see the humour as well. Really? You cannot demean a man’s member! It’s his pride and joy – I’m sure you’ve had one paraded in front of you or swung around for your benefit. This is the male version of being told that your butt looks fat or that he really likes how you have love handles for him to hold on to.
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