I found this fantastic article online… and my comments are obviously included (in blue)!
10. "Are you done?"
Any woman who has had sex, ever, has at least thought this if not asked it. The idea that the longer you last the better comes from men’s magazines and romance novels. Over 30 minutes of sex is really not fun…. it gets uncomfortable – ladies get stiff in the wrong places and it begins to chaff. This is where the saying “I only smoke after sex” comes from. Seriously, get in there, do you thing (well) and get out, if you haven’t hit the spot after 15 minutes, I have a feeling you’re not going to. I know this will deflate egos (among other things) but seriously, by that stage, WE DON’T CARE!
9. "We should take dancing lessons!"
This statement can strike fear on two levels: For one, you’ll be learning the cha-cha in a room full of other hapless guys who will only serve to remind you of your own sad fate. And secondly, the next wedding or social function you attend, your girlfriend will undoubtedly want to show off your whole repertoire, from Foxtrot to Charleston. Ready for centre stage? We didn't think so.
8. "Notice anything different?"
If you have to ask, he's not going to know...
Why do you never want to hear her say this? Because it’s a minefield, my friend. You guess she got a haircut. She didn’t, and is angry you suggested it. You then guess she’s wearing a new outfit; she’s not, and now she’s even angrier. You grasp at another guess; she did her nails. Wrong! Now you’re officially the most insensitive man on the planet and she lets you know it. “How could you not notice my new eyebrows?” You failed, you loser. Time to pony up for flowers and a night out, pronto.
7. "Don't worry, he's just my ex."
It is very rare that you can actually stay friends with an ex and not reminisce about the old times, whatever feelings went with that relationship or the great sex you used to have. We like to think we can, but alas, we can’t. Generally, one of you starts feeling the old (good) feelings again, remembering the good times. Unless you have kept your old diary where you wrote down exactly why you broke up and what an idiot he was, you will forget the bad and annoying. This is never a safe place to be especially when you have a relationship with someone else on the go.
6. "It's OK, it's not contagious."
Being a sufferer of the occasional fever blister this is not something I want to hear or say! Why would you take the chance? Whether its herpes or a cold, you don’t give to people, that’s just not nice!
Care for some herpes simplex? Painful STD? Better to first assess what your wife/girlfriend is talking about. Then Google it to death and cross-reference it with a doctor. Be prepared for the backlash. Once you refuse to touch her, she may feel like she’s in quarantine and consider you an inhumane, cruel man. But happily you’ll be infection-free, though possibly girlfriend-free as well.
5. "We need to talk."
No one likes to hear these words, in most circumstances… much like how I don’t like people using my name while talking to me (always gives me the feeling I’ve done something wrong). It’s a phrase where you automatically expect the worst and it usually doesn’t disappoint.
Cue the dramatic music, please. This heavy phrase you never want to hear her say is the classic tip-off that something bad is about to happen. And in the few seconds before she tells you what that bad thing is, your stomach flips around like a fish in a frying pan as you think about the range of possibilities. Is it over? Does she want time away? Did you forget the milk, again? Regardless, one thing is clear: you are about to be told you are deficient in some way, and it ain't gonna be pretty.
4. "Do you know what day today is?"
10. "Are you done?"
Any woman who has had sex, ever, has at least thought this if not asked it. The idea that the longer you last the better comes from men’s magazines and romance novels. Over 30 minutes of sex is really not fun…. it gets uncomfortable – ladies get stiff in the wrong places and it begins to chaff. This is where the saying “I only smoke after sex” comes from. Seriously, get in there, do you thing (well) and get out, if you haven’t hit the spot after 15 minutes, I have a feeling you’re not going to. I know this will deflate egos (among other things) but seriously, by that stage, WE DON’T CARE!
9. "We should take dancing lessons!"
This statement can strike fear on two levels: For one, you’ll be learning the cha-cha in a room full of other hapless guys who will only serve to remind you of your own sad fate. And secondly, the next wedding or social function you attend, your girlfriend will undoubtedly want to show off your whole repertoire, from Foxtrot to Charleston. Ready for centre stage? We didn't think so.
8. "Notice anything different?"
If you have to ask, he's not going to know...
Why do you never want to hear her say this? Because it’s a minefield, my friend. You guess she got a haircut. She didn’t, and is angry you suggested it. You then guess she’s wearing a new outfit; she’s not, and now she’s even angrier. You grasp at another guess; she did her nails. Wrong! Now you’re officially the most insensitive man on the planet and she lets you know it. “How could you not notice my new eyebrows?” You failed, you loser. Time to pony up for flowers and a night out, pronto.
7. "Don't worry, he's just my ex."
It is very rare that you can actually stay friends with an ex and not reminisce about the old times, whatever feelings went with that relationship or the great sex you used to have. We like to think we can, but alas, we can’t. Generally, one of you starts feeling the old (good) feelings again, remembering the good times. Unless you have kept your old diary where you wrote down exactly why you broke up and what an idiot he was, you will forget the bad and annoying. This is never a safe place to be especially when you have a relationship with someone else on the go.
6. "It's OK, it's not contagious."
Being a sufferer of the occasional fever blister this is not something I want to hear or say! Why would you take the chance? Whether its herpes or a cold, you don’t give to people, that’s just not nice!
Care for some herpes simplex? Painful STD? Better to first assess what your wife/girlfriend is talking about. Then Google it to death and cross-reference it with a doctor. Be prepared for the backlash. Once you refuse to touch her, she may feel like she’s in quarantine and consider you an inhumane, cruel man. But happily you’ll be infection-free, though possibly girlfriend-free as well.
5. "We need to talk."
No one likes to hear these words, in most circumstances… much like how I don’t like people using my name while talking to me (always gives me the feeling I’ve done something wrong). It’s a phrase where you automatically expect the worst and it usually doesn’t disappoint.
Cue the dramatic music, please. This heavy phrase you never want to hear her say is the classic tip-off that something bad is about to happen. And in the few seconds before she tells you what that bad thing is, your stomach flips around like a fish in a frying pan as you think about the range of possibilities. Is it over? Does she want time away? Did you forget the milk, again? Regardless, one thing is clear: you are about to be told you are deficient in some way, and it ain't gonna be pretty.
4. "Do you know what day today is?"
Again, if you have to ask...
Quick. Think. The dog's birthday? Your parents' anniversary? Wednesday? Like the No. 8 thing you never want to hear her say on our list, this can be an open-ended hell for any man. You throw out ideas and every wrong answer you get, you inch closer to sleeping on the couch for an undetermined period of time. We would like to offer a few words of advice regarding this nightmarish situation: Always pick important relationship-related dates if you must make an idiotic guess, and for God's sake, write down all significant dates.
3. "I've been thinking..."
Uh oh. First of all, this means you need to get comfortable. Her thinking could mean anything from talking about the "state of your union” to how you can improve your attitude, language, style, or why you should join Kabbalah. Thinking is essential in every other context, but in this one, it can be disastrous.
2. "I'm late."
This is one of those phrases you as a woman never want to say because it generally means, “we’ve had sex, something went wrong, we’re not married/serious/compatible in the long term and if this is what I think it is, I’m bound to you for the rest of my life – and I really don’t know if that works for me.” AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! Again, this phrase also has a negative connotation, I don’t know many people who can put a positive, happy spin on it when they say it.
No, we don't mean for work. For every guy who has ever heard this, it's come out sounding more like “Your life is over.” No amount of commitment is going to make this statement any easier to take. We won't even get into the impact this would have coming from a one-night stand…
The impact these two little words can have on any man is just too great to put into actual words, but we'll try: nine months of hell, sleepless nights, crying, breast milk, hormones - OK, we just can't go on.
1. "Aw, it's so cute!"
If you add in a finger tickle gesture, it really just makes it worse. Again, I’m sure most ladies have at one stage wanted to say these very words! I have a friend who once said this to her husband after he got out of the bath and wondered why he didn’t speak to her for two weeks, because it was in fact cute and she thought he would see the humour as well. Really? You cannot demean a man’s member! It’s his pride and joy – I’m sure you’ve had one paraded in front of you or swung around for your benefit. This is the male version of being told that your butt looks fat or that he really likes how you have love handles for him to hold on to.
3. "I've been thinking..."
Uh oh. First of all, this means you need to get comfortable. Her thinking could mean anything from talking about the "state of your union” to how you can improve your attitude, language, style, or why you should join Kabbalah. Thinking is essential in every other context, but in this one, it can be disastrous.
2. "I'm late."
This is one of those phrases you as a woman never want to say because it generally means, “we’ve had sex, something went wrong, we’re not married/serious/compatible in the long term and if this is what I think it is, I’m bound to you for the rest of my life – and I really don’t know if that works for me.” AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! Again, this phrase also has a negative connotation, I don’t know many people who can put a positive, happy spin on it when they say it.
No, we don't mean for work. For every guy who has ever heard this, it's come out sounding more like “Your life is over.” No amount of commitment is going to make this statement any easier to take. We won't even get into the impact this would have coming from a one-night stand…
The impact these two little words can have on any man is just too great to put into actual words, but we'll try: nine months of hell, sleepless nights, crying, breast milk, hormones - OK, we just can't go on.
1. "Aw, it's so cute!"
If you add in a finger tickle gesture, it really just makes it worse. Again, I’m sure most ladies have at one stage wanted to say these very words! I have a friend who once said this to her husband after he got out of the bath and wondered why he didn’t speak to her for two weeks, because it was in fact cute and she thought he would see the humour as well. Really? You cannot demean a man’s member! It’s his pride and joy – I’m sure you’ve had one paraded in front of you or swung around for your benefit. This is the male version of being told that your butt looks fat or that he really likes how you have love handles for him to hold on to.
