A change of perspective... Update

So my dad is fine! He's back home and allowed to carry on with life as usual. Turns out it was a random thing, like a heartbeat hiccup...

I'm no longer getting teary or having panic attacks and life can carry on as usual! Although I still maintain that I will keep my current view of life and will strive to find what I deserve!

A change of perspective

Yesterday, I heard words that terrified me to the core… “Your dad is in hospital, getting his heart shocked”. My own heart broke a little. The news got gradually worse as the day went on and my dad ended up spending a night in ICU being monitored so they could give it another go today and get his heartbeat back to normal rhythm.

This is not supposed to be happening to my dad. He’s healthy, fit and my dad. He climbed Everest, he cycled the El Camino, he does canopy tours and takes part in ocean yacht races with me.

So in between my panic attacks and tears, I came to the realisation that the things that have been on my mind lately are not really important. I’ve been wasting time trying to change things that probably won’t change, no matter how much I do – they aren’t mine to change. I need to focus on family and friends and the goodness they bring to my life. I need to leave the negative behind and stop looking back.

Lately, I’ve been going around in circles, repeating mistakes and expecting different results (isn’t that the definition of insanity?). I need to stop this bad habit and just get on with the positive things and surround myself with good people who are genuine and want the same things. Life really is too short and precious to be wasting time with disingenuous people who don’t add the right value.

It’s funny how a shock and the threat of mortality can really change your perspective like that. I will no longer sweat the small stuff or compromise what I deserve.  

If you’re single and you know it clap your hands

So (obviously), I’m single. I have been for a long, with a brief relationship here and there, but nothing worth changing my Facebook status about. 
 

Being single isn’t a problem for me, it’s what I know and I enjoy it for the most part. I get to hang out with friends whenever, I get to spend time alone relaxing, I have less drama in my life and if the need arises, I hook up with a guy. I have solo dates, where I eat good food, have a glass of wine and listen to good music and enjoy my own company (and sometimes that of my cat). I go for long walks or drives and explore new places. I don’t need to worry about someone else’s feelings or whether they are enjoying themselves or eat sushi.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I miss having someone to share things with and spend time with. It’s nice to have someone you can lie in bed with listening to the rain or go to movies with. It’s nice to snuggle or just sit quietly knowing someone is nearby.

I am in my 30’s and apparently being single when you’re over 30 is not a good thing. Maybe it messes with some people’s view of the balance of the universe? Maybe it doesn’t fit in with societal norms or what was/is expected of women. Personally, I think that’s bullshit!

In the last few months, there has been a spate of fix up attempts by friends and acquaintances. Some people think that just because two people are single, they’ll get on. If that were the case, no one would be single. I have standards. A few are negotiable (like blonde or brunette), but most aren’t (like sense of humour, intelligence and height) – if they all were, again, I wouldn’t be single -I have kissed enough frogs to know what I deserve and to know what I do and don’t want. I must give people credit though, they do ask first whether and I am single and then why I’m single.

At the moment I’m finding most first conversations of 2012 going as follows, in this order…
1. “How was Knysna?”
2. “Did you meet any men?”.

My standard response is…
1. “Kynsna was great!”
2. “I was in Knysna… seriously? Men in Knysna?”

This is true, as far as I have seen, there aren’t many single guys in Knysna – it’s quite a couple destination. But secondly, I don’t go on holiday to find a man! I go to relax, spend time with my family and do fun stuff that I don’t do at home.

I really hope to one day meet that person who makes me want to choose them over my single lifestyle. Someone who makes me want to compromise and include them in everything. I’ve met guys that I would do this for but the timing is wrong, something goes wrong or I just wasn’t ready for commitment. This is going to sound really arrogant, but if there is someone good enough, then I’m all for jumping right in!  So until then, I will keep getting set up and keep meeting new guys because well, you just never know!  

Just a little something about me...

I can't wait around (and shouldn't be expected to) for someone to decide whether I'm the one they want, that I'm good enough for them and that I'm actually what they're looking for. I am not a consolation prize… I’m first prize.

Love me and choose me for me. I'm a great catch. I have so much to give. I just need a chance to show it.

I should not have to be compared with other girls for you to realise how great I actually am. You should see it and be happy with it and love it.  And not wonder if there is something better.

I will not play games. It should be straightforward and open. We are past that, it’s unnecessary. If you don't know what you really want, you need to decide first before you start the journey or at least be honest about it throughout.  Don't lead people on. It’s not fair to them to play with their emotions... especially people who don't open up easily because of past pain and disappointment.

You're not the only one who has been hurt or who has cried so hard because of someone else that you didn't think you'd survive it. But you did. And you learnt and grew from it. Don't be that person who taught you the lesson... Be the person who teaches in a good way, through love and honesty, not pain, hurt and selfishness.

Be a decent guy. Honesty and straightforwardness are appreciated. It may be hard to hear but it is appreciated in the long run, it saves a lot of future pain and sadness.

There is always risk involved, you just need to put your big girl panties on and give it a try. Sure, you could get your heart broken again but you could also find that one person who makes your heart so happy you think it will burst! You need to take a chance or you'll never find out.   

If you want to date me, just ask. There’s a good chance I’ll say yes and give it my best shot. All I ask is that you treat me right and we’ll be happier than we ever dreamed possible.

Friends like these...

We all have friends. Some have more than others. With the advent of Facebook, those of us on FB have more ‘friends’ than we knew we actually had. But the fact of the matter is that we pick our friends. They’re the family we choose.

Friends are people you can talk to about anything. They are there for you no matter what. They don’t judge you and accept you for all your flaws and for the mistakes you make. Friends tell you he was no good for you, but you went back anyway and they will still be there when he breaks your heart again and won’t say “I told you so” – well not to your face.  They are there for the good and the bad, they support you, encourage you, keep your secrets, tell you the truth and give you advice. They tell you if your bum looks fat in that, they tell you that you look great in that new dress and they will shop with you for hours to find that perfect pair of shoes.

At the moment, I have a close group of friends and who I can spend time with either individually or as a group and they all get along with each other – bonus! Everyone is similar enough to get along but different enough to make it fun and interesting. We all have different relationship histories – married, divorced, dating, single. We all have different taste in men – helps limit competitiveness, all have successful careers, some have pets, some have children. But the fact of the matter is that when we get together (whether one on one or in a group), we have fun and enjoy ourselves. We can go bar hopping, have a fondue, go to movies, go away for a weekend or just sit around talking and laughing. It doesn’t really matter where we are, what we’re doing or what’s happening around us.

The one thing I have found lately is that I don’t really have any male friends at the moment – not like I used to! I used to be one of the boys and only had a couple girlfriends. The opposite is true now. Sure, I have a guy friend I’ve known for many years, who I see every couple weeks, but it’s become quite a superficial catch up thing. Earlier last year, I tried to cultivate a male friendship and it almost worked… then he got drunk, sent me naughty messages and decided he wasn’t able to be my friend. I tried again recently and ended up in bed with him… and I am now stuck with undefined uncertainty about what’s going on. It really does get more difficult as you get older and people settle down. Maybe there is no such thing as a platonic friendship when it comes to single men and women?

I have also found that some friends come with a sell by date. These are the friends who are awesome and lots of fun but only for a period of time. The relationship isn’t particularly sustainable and tends to fizzle out when something changes, like a job, life direction, new romantic relationship or new friendship. You get tired of being the person to always make the effort. They just die a quiet death though there is sometimes the obligatory “How have you been?” message once in a while. I have a couple prime examples…

I had a friend from my waitressing days. We got on really well, always had fun and she became my first housemate. We worked completely different hours (I was in corporate, she was still in the restaurant industry) so we saw just enough of each other. She then had a terrible car accident and spent the next 5 months in (a government) hospital. I visited a couple times a week, supported her and did what friends do. During this time, the new relationship with her boyfriend (now husband) grew and she moved in with him a couple months after she finally got released from hospital. It was a happy time for all, though her parents realised they were losing control of her life (they were crazy controlling, even has full access to her bank accounts so they could monitor what she spent her money on!!). I’d message her every couple months and we’d get together for dinner and a catch up. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. She then told me her mother had decided the wedding was family only so I was uninvited. I then saw on Facebook that she was “really looking forward to her hen’s party with all her special friends”. I was not included. Cue stab to the heart and twist that knife! So that was that… If I wasn’t part of her life anymore, then I would reciprocate in kind and deleted her. Looking back, she was fun at a time when we didn’t have too much responsibility and were just starting out, but I moved on. She stayed there and stayed the person who was pushed around by her boss, her parents and her sister.  

Another friend is the kind of friend who moves from person to person every year or two. She becomes great friends with someone, you have a great time and then someone new appears. The current friendship eventually fizzles out and the pattern is repeated with the next person.  Obviously this happened to our friendship, but I don’t really mind. We were moving in different directions, old friends who I didn’t really like or get on with were resurfacing, so it was actually a blessing in disguise. We all have limited “fun time” and I want to spend it with people I really like and whose company I enjoy. I don’t want to sit there holding my tongue so that I don’t upset anyone by saying what I really think.

Then there are the friends you will have forever. Thelma and I have been friends since we were little. It didn’t start that way… we met at nursery school when we were 4. I was apparently mean to her because she was so funny looking – kids can be so mean!! We went to the same primary school and also had a lift club - we lived 500m apart. Somehow we became very close in high school, even though we were at different schools. We became partners in crime, got up to ALL sorts of things… smoking drinking, boys… the usual teenage stuff. The rest of the story is in my “What If ?” post. We are still great friends and talk often. We’ve had two really big fights (my fault completely) and have gotten past them. Despite our very different lives, we have enough in common (not just a history) to still stay close. We are still great friends and I think we will be for another 30 years!

Friends do come and go. The trick is to find the ones who will be there for you and who you want to be there for. They’re not all the same and all bring something different to the table. This is what keeps it interesting. There comes a point when you realise who really matters, who never did, and who always will.

Here we go again…

So, it’s 2012. 2011 was a good year for the most part and I am going to reflect on what was and what will hopefully be. It’s a helpful tracking tool :)

So workwise, things went very well. I officially got a great new boss, was given more responsibility and got to work on the things I enjoy.  I’m hoping that things will keep going well this year… job hunting is just such a mission!

On the friend front, I spent some great times with really close friends and have developed some really special friendships with a group of girls who are similar but who each bring something new and different to the group. I also started a new bookclub due to irritation issues at the last one and it’s all going great! Decent books and decent conversation guaranteed once a month.

Health wise, I don’t know if I’ve ever been healthier! I saw a doctor twice the entire year (and once was a formality). I started working out with a personal trainer (whose company I actually enjoy and don’t mind the punishment) and have lost some centimetres and have firmed up a lot. My drinking has been a bit on the excessive side once in a while, but that’s easy to rein in along with my eating habits.

On the man front, what’s there to say… I dated someone for a couple months, it didn’t work out. I did learn a lesson or two, so it wasn’t all in vain. I’ve met some interesting guys along the way. I’ve had a few crushes, though nothing really came of any of them. But I guess that initial excitement is still fun, even considering the ego knocks.

I have a new house, my cat still loves me and my family is healthy! I also went to Italy for a couple weeks by myself in April and had a fantastic time! So all in all, a good year!

And now bring on 2012!! So, what are the plans for this year? What resolutions need to be made? I’m not really a fan of resolutions, especially just because it’s a new year – they should be made at any time really. But I suppose this is as good a time as any to start fresh and better yourself, so here goes!

I will not be a control freak. I never used to be SUCH a control freak… it seems that the lawyers (my clients) I work for are rubbing off on me. It’s not the worst thing in the world, it does help with my work and the events I do, but I really need to keep it out of my personal life! I used to be a more spontaneous, go-with-the-flow kind of person. Now I mentally plan as much as I can whenever I’m doing something. And of course this leads to some disappointment. So, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop (if all goes according to plan (: ). I will now make a suggestion or extend an invitation and if I get a response then good, if not, then I’ll find something else to do and someone else to spend time with. Easy!

I would like to have a healthy, happy, real relationship with a man. I’m ready for it and have a lot to offer, so I don’t see the problem. I just need someone who is on the same level, not someone who isn’t sure what he wants and would still like to keep his options open. I deserve to be the first and only choice. I am not settling for anything less. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want someone who will idolise me and do anything I ask (that just gets boring!) but just someone who respects me, who only has eyes for me and isn’t second guessing his choice.

And maybe I’ll try not to be so judgmental… though I’m not sure about that one. It’s just SO fun sometimes! But I can throw in positivity rather for the meantime, to keep the karma gods happy.

And of course the standard resolutions apply… lose weight, get fit and be more awesome (if at all possible)! :) And of course, I resolve to do some more regular blogging!

Well, good luck to those of you who are also attempting resolutions, let’s see if this really is the year to get it all done.