I flew to Cape Town for a weeks getaway. First, being in an airport is like heaven for me with all the people watching opportunities. And second, it is a fantastic setting to really just observe people and their behaviour.
On the plane, there was a guy sitting on the other side of the aisle, one row forward. A girl came and sat next to me. They seemed to know each other. They made eye contact, mouthed words, smiled at each other. Throughout the flight they kept looking at each other not always at the same time. To me it looked like they were an item. A bit strange that they weren't sitting together and arrived separately. I then noticed she had a ring on her ring finger... And I don't think he's the one who gave it to her.
This whole scenario led me to wonder when it became so popular for people to cheat? This is certainly not the first time I've seen it and it definitely won't be the last. And I may even be involved in a similar situation at some time in the future (as I have almost in the past).
It seems that everyone is married these days. I feel like I may be the only one over 30 who hasn't or isn't. But what fascinates me is that the majority of men who have shown interest in me over the past 6 months have all been taken, whether in a serious relationship, engaged or married. I don't know if it's because I seem to be the kind of girl who is cool with that kind of set up or whether men just don't care and have decided to just go for it and try their luck or a combination.
Have the goal posts moved? And why didn't I know about it sooner? Or am I just inexplicably meeting all these people who are “monoamorous”?
I asked a taken male friend whether he could offer any insight into why I was suddenly being 'targeted' by taken men. He couldn't give me a decent answer. What he said was that "a guy sees your green eyes and big boobs and is immediately interested and curious. He then speaks to me and realises there's a whole lot more to back it up and the interest increases." Which is all fair enough, but then why just takens and not singles? Is it because the takens don't have much to lose if they strike out because they have someone at home to fall back on?
But what if they don't strike out. The girl doesn't realise he's taken (or does but doesn't care) and things develop. When does it become cheating? Is it when you form an emotional connection? When you send each other kisses after spending hours chatting online? When you start sexting and sending naughty pictures? Or when there is actual physical contact?
It's very easy to get caught up in something like this, especially when it's still in the non-physical phase. After all, it's just talk and no one is getting hurt right? I reckon that if someone were to cheat on me, I'd rather it was purely physical and not at all emotional. People need to connect with others on an emotional and spiritual level. If they're not doing it with you, and you're not fulfilling that need, someone else is. And that's a far deeper connection and it's much harder to break.
When talking about this with married friends, we all agreed that sleeping with someone once (especially if you’re drunk) is almost more forgivable than forming a relationship with another person. They also agreed that if you cheat, there must be something fundamentally wrong with the relationship.
Cheating is a symptom of something bigger that needs to be addressed. You’re not going to consider cheating if you’re happy. If you're in the position and have two options available to you, you need to figure out why you're considering the second option. Are you bored? Are you missing something and what is it? Is the first option ultimately worth fixing or is this the final straw? Are you fixing it for the right reasons - for your happiness and not for the kids, history, others expectations or because it's the right thing for everyone else?
It isn’t always that clear cut though. People connect without expecting to and without looking for it. Something as random as sitting next to each other at a friend's braai or striking up a random conversation in a shop can spark something. And it’s not the easiest thing in the world to walk away from, especially if there is a gram of unhappiness which of course seems to grow in relation to the development of the new relationship, either because it’s an eye-opener or to rationalise the cheating.
I found some scary stats that were released at the beginning of the year. 57% of men compared to 54% of women have cheated in any relationship. If there was no chance of being caught, 74% of men and 68% of women would do it. Does this mean that people refrain from cheating because they don’t want to get caught – admittedly the associated drama, heartbreak and admin is hardly worth it! And in turn does that mean that most people would love to mess around because most people are unhappy in their relationships?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to judge. I’ve never been married so I don’t fully understand the dynamics and have never been in the situation takens find themselves in when these things happen. I’ve also cheated before – never slept with anyone – but still cheated nonetheless. I just find the concept and psychology behind fascinating.
And that couple on the plane… they were in fact married to each other. They’re just the disorganised type that check in late and have to take whichever seats are available.
