You know those times when you’re sitting quietly alone and your mind wanders… quite often it wanders into the world of “What If”. What if I’d turned right? What if I’d said yes? What if I’d waited a little bit longer?
Maybe it’s because the end of yet another year is around the corner, but lately I’ve been doing a lot of “What If’ing”. Some of it is just random wondering, but some of it has been quite deep and a bit on the depressing side when all is said and done.
For example… if my parents hadn’t been the parents they are and had let me follow my 17 year old heart, and I had moved to East London to be with my first. Where would I be now? Would I be sitting in East London, bored out of my mind, with three children, running a coffee shop? Would I have lost my mind and moved back to Joburg with a couple years of my life to catch up on? Thank god they had the common sense I didn’t! Though the whole situation worked itself out in the end anyway – as these things tend to do.
Another example… my friend ‘Thelma’ and I have been friends since we were four. We were planning on both going to RAU. For matric holiday, we spent some time in Sodwana. We fell in love with the place and the lifestyle. Her mom said she could move there in early the next year, my parents said “Not a chance in hell, university is non-negotiable”. She went, I stayed. She lived a great life – I did get to visit every 3 months. I became a student and partied and (eventually) studied hard. She met the love of her life and they have been together for 15 years and are still madly in love. I am still single, with nothing resembling a great track record in that department. She lives in Cape Town, has her own company making environmentally friendly cleaning products (www.betterearth.co.za), two gorgeous daughters and a loving husband. I live in Joburg, work at a law firm doing Marketing (that I studied and really enjoy) and live alone with my cat. So what would our lives look like if we hadn’t taken those paths? What would she be doing if she’d followed a similar one to mine? When I asked Thelma what she thought of this, she said she probably would’ve ended up in a similar position anyway – and I agree, I think it’s her destiny, as this is mine.
But really, what if I had put in more effort with a particular guy, or what if I hadn’t been so annoyed by a particular habit? What if he was more into me, took time to get to know the real me and accepted my flaws or issues. Would I be happily married (or happily divorced), would I have a kid or two and would I be driving a Porsche?
I believe that there is an element of fate or destiny involved, but I sometimes wonder whether I would be on a different path if I wasn’t too impulsive (and hedonistic) in some situations or too undecided in others?
Note: Impulsiveness and procrastination are really hard personality traits to balance!
Rejection (especially the unexpected kind) always brings up these doubts with me and leads to hours of reflection. No one likes to be rejected, but it does cause a fair amount of self-doubt. Questions like why am I not good enough for anyone, what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong in my previous life that I’m now alone, haven’t I been punished enough by always finding the assholes?
After a while and a couple glasses of wine, it seems that the answer becomes obvious… maybe it’s not meant for me? Maybe I am not one of those people who needs to be part of a pair, maybe everything I have is enough? I figure that if I’m still single and relationships consistently don’t work out, maybe it’s because they’re not supposed to? A fair assumption, right?
I reached this conclusion a few months back and really came to terms with it. I started focusing more of myself, my friends and family and started having more fun because of the awesome company I had. I started training with a personal trainer – so that was 2 hours a week of undivided male attention – and I feel healthier and fitter. And I decided not to date or let men get in the way, because everything was awesome without them.
Then…what I was expecting to be a one night stand became someone I chatted to every day and eventually ended in one of the best dates ever. And that’s where it ended - well, that’s what I assume since he seems to not be that into me? So falling back into my usual patterns, I questioned, reflected, felt sorry for myself, listened to the advice of all sorts of people, worked out really hard and got over it – in record time! I realised that no amount of “What If-ing” would change things. He is who he is with his issues and I am who I am with mine… if it’s not meant to be, why try to understand it? It just is.
So I think that is enough “What If-ing” for the time being and I’m going back to who I was a month ago! That awesome, happy, confident and independent person I REALLY like!
Maybe it’s because the end of yet another year is around the corner, but lately I’ve been doing a lot of “What If’ing”. Some of it is just random wondering, but some of it has been quite deep and a bit on the depressing side when all is said and done.
For example… if my parents hadn’t been the parents they are and had let me follow my 17 year old heart, and I had moved to East London to be with my first. Where would I be now? Would I be sitting in East London, bored out of my mind, with three children, running a coffee shop? Would I have lost my mind and moved back to Joburg with a couple years of my life to catch up on? Thank god they had the common sense I didn’t! Though the whole situation worked itself out in the end anyway – as these things tend to do.
Another example… my friend ‘Thelma’ and I have been friends since we were four. We were planning on both going to RAU. For matric holiday, we spent some time in Sodwana. We fell in love with the place and the lifestyle. Her mom said she could move there in early the next year, my parents said “Not a chance in hell, university is non-negotiable”. She went, I stayed. She lived a great life – I did get to visit every 3 months. I became a student and partied and (eventually) studied hard. She met the love of her life and they have been together for 15 years and are still madly in love. I am still single, with nothing resembling a great track record in that department. She lives in Cape Town, has her own company making environmentally friendly cleaning products (www.betterearth.co.za), two gorgeous daughters and a loving husband. I live in Joburg, work at a law firm doing Marketing (that I studied and really enjoy) and live alone with my cat. So what would our lives look like if we hadn’t taken those paths? What would she be doing if she’d followed a similar one to mine? When I asked Thelma what she thought of this, she said she probably would’ve ended up in a similar position anyway – and I agree, I think it’s her destiny, as this is mine.
But really, what if I had put in more effort with a particular guy, or what if I hadn’t been so annoyed by a particular habit? What if he was more into me, took time to get to know the real me and accepted my flaws or issues. Would I be happily married (or happily divorced), would I have a kid or two and would I be driving a Porsche?
I believe that there is an element of fate or destiny involved, but I sometimes wonder whether I would be on a different path if I wasn’t too impulsive (and hedonistic) in some situations or too undecided in others?
Note: Impulsiveness and procrastination are really hard personality traits to balance!
Rejection (especially the unexpected kind) always brings up these doubts with me and leads to hours of reflection. No one likes to be rejected, but it does cause a fair amount of self-doubt. Questions like why am I not good enough for anyone, what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong in my previous life that I’m now alone, haven’t I been punished enough by always finding the assholes?
After a while and a couple glasses of wine, it seems that the answer becomes obvious… maybe it’s not meant for me? Maybe I am not one of those people who needs to be part of a pair, maybe everything I have is enough? I figure that if I’m still single and relationships consistently don’t work out, maybe it’s because they’re not supposed to? A fair assumption, right?
I reached this conclusion a few months back and really came to terms with it. I started focusing more of myself, my friends and family and started having more fun because of the awesome company I had. I started training with a personal trainer – so that was 2 hours a week of undivided male attention – and I feel healthier and fitter. And I decided not to date or let men get in the way, because everything was awesome without them.
Then…what I was expecting to be a one night stand became someone I chatted to every day and eventually ended in one of the best dates ever. And that’s where it ended - well, that’s what I assume since he seems to not be that into me? So falling back into my usual patterns, I questioned, reflected, felt sorry for myself, listened to the advice of all sorts of people, worked out really hard and got over it – in record time! I realised that no amount of “What If-ing” would change things. He is who he is with his issues and I am who I am with mine… if it’s not meant to be, why try to understand it? It just is.
So I think that is enough “What If-ing” for the time being and I’m going back to who I was a month ago! That awesome, happy, confident and independent person I REALLY like!
