I’m 36. I have never been engaged, married or had kids. In the grander scheme of dating, what does this mean? It means that the guys (my age) I date will inevitably have baggage. It also means that I have baggage, but just of a different kind.
Any man I date between the age of 30 and 40 will probably have had at
least one serious relationship that ended badly, an ex-wife (hopefully not more
than 1) and/or have kids. Him being single means that an important relationship
ended and that now there is emotional baggage that will be carried through to
the next relationship, whether he means to or not. If he doesn’t have the
baggage, there’s obviously something wrong – he’s a player, a commitment-phobe
or an asshole.
My baggage is different. Mine is of the living hedonistically and for
the day persuasion. Of saying yes to new experiences and not worrying about
consequences. There have been bad relationships that have made an impact, but
all in all I have avoided the very serious relationships. But on the baggage
scale, it seems to carry as much weight.
Either way, no matter what your baggage is, you bring it into your next
relationship, no matter how hard you try. If your ex cheated on you or lied to
you, you probably won’t trust your new partner as much as you should.
So how do we get around it? I think it is important to see past
relationships and experiences as learning opportunities. It is impossible to
come out on the other side as the same person who went in. Whether you’re
better or worse, the fact is that you’ve learnt something. If you know you didn’t
react well to a situation or created a situation and it ended badly, don’t do
it again, and vice versa.
When you start a new relationship, you don’t want to get into the
serious stuff too much, you’d rather enjoy the happy, fun times. Inevitably,
the serious history and baggage comes out and needs to be dealt with. You can
either sit down and talk about it like grown ups or you can avoid it and bring
it up when you have a fight. We all know which is the best option, we just need
to do it.
One of the problems here though, is how much is too much? Personally, I
don’t want to be asked for too many gory details about my history. Some of the
stories are just not worth sharing – there is nothing to be gained by either
party. For me, it’s stories about things you may have done after too many
tequila shots, stories of questionable choices you made just because and things
you’ve done but in the bright light of day would rather forget. And the big
suitcase in the room for me is my number – it’s for only me to know, as is
yours. Don’t ask for 100% disclosure if you think something will remind you of
your baggage or create an issue for you down the line. You can’t unhear it. Personally,
I don’t want to hear every detail of your last relationship, just the parts
that will affect me and our new relationship.
Being in a relationship, there are two people to consider. You need to
be understanding about the baggage each person brings. Have a little patience. It
takes time but it does get smaller and much less important. You need to learn from
each other, grow together and create new stories that will override the old
ones.
I am going to own my baggage. My baggage is that no man has ever
properly committed to me. I have done some things that would surprise people
and that some people would not approve of. I have been messed around by men
more than I’d like to admit. But this is all part of what makes me who I am. I’ve
had that fun and collected stories and now want to have a different kind of fun,
and create new stories, with someone special. I’ve dated the frogs disguised as
princes and now want to date someone who is honest and open and not full of
bullshit.
