After all the
excitement wore off I realised something that shouldn't bother me but does ...
I am the only one out of all my close friends (over 30) who hasn't been
married.
It's not really
about the wedding and all the surface stuff that goes with it, though I reckon
I would plan a kick ass wedding! It's about the fact that in my 20 years of
dating, no one has ever wanted to (really) marry me. The reason? Because no one
has ever loved me in the way a guy loves a girl enough to never let her go or
throw her away.
Granted a few of
those friends are now divorced, but they were still loved enough to be chosen
and asked at some stage by someone.
I regularly
question why it is that people feel the need to be part of a couple until death
do we part and why monogamy is the norm. And as much as I would like to think
that I am happy to be on my own and not need someone to add value, I'm
beginning to think that's not the case.
After (blindly)
being part of a couple for a while earlier this year I've realised that I quite
like being a part of something. I felt like I belonged somewhere and that I was
chosen. It's not the same as belonging with family and friends. Being part of a
couple seems to satisfy some primal need, the need to be part of a bigger whole
and bring what you can to that whole. Maybe it was the possibility of a light
at the end of this particular life tunnel.
But it was not to
be. I was destined yet again to be the last man standing... Alone. And I'm
angry about it!! He obviously wasn't meant to be but the fact that I was taken
in by the right words and believed he was as sincere as me makes me angry! I
was optimistic and thought the best of him and the situation only to have it
bite me in the ass. It's also left me with a stronger need to couple up, which
had not been the case before.
I'm angry that I
wasted my 'good space' on someone who didn't deserve it… angry that I have been
forced to go a step backwards and have to start again… And angry (and a bit
hurt) because it looks like it didn’t even register on his radar or have the slightest
effect on his life, like I was just a passing mist.
But most of all,
I'm angry that I now have this need I want to fulfil but it feels like the
impossible!
I don't know why,
but we girls 'learn' that we shouldn't need a man and definitely shouldn't make
it known. It makes us look desperate and chases men away. They don't want those
kinds of girls. But seriously, it's what most people want (or say they
do). So what's the problem?
There are
double standards. We shouldn’t need a man but should have one by the time we
get to our 30's otherwise we're on the shelf (to coin an old fashioned phrase).
So how does one avoid the dreaded shelf without needing a man (who probably put
the shelf up)? Does being in your mid 30's automatically make you an undesirable?
Does this mean that my window has closed? Or is 40 really the new 30 and I still
actually have another 5 years to go before I pull out my step ladder to shelfdom?
I really wish I wasn’t
in this particular space at the moment. I guess it's back to square one where I
start regrouping and recalibrating so that I can get on with things, alone or
not. And who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and find someone to love (and keep) me
in the process, without the bullshit! If not, I have my cat. And wine.
