Baggage allowance limited

I’m 36. I have never been engaged, married or had kids. In the grander scheme of dating, what does this mean? It means that the guys (my age) I date will inevitably have baggage. It also means that I have baggage, but just of a different kind.

Any man I date between the age of 30 and 40 will probably have had at least one serious relationship that ended badly, an ex-wife (hopefully not more than 1) and/or have kids. Him being single means that an important relationship ended and that now there is emotional baggage that will be carried through to the next relationship, whether he means to or not. If he doesn’t have the baggage, there’s obviously something wrong – he’s a player, a commitment-phobe or an asshole.

My baggage is different. Mine is of the living hedonistically and for the day persuasion. Of saying yes to new experiences and not worrying about consequences. There have been bad relationships that have made an impact, but all in all I have avoided the very serious relationships. But on the baggage scale, it seems to carry as much weight.

Either way, no matter what your baggage is, you bring it into your next relationship, no matter how hard you try. If your ex cheated on you or lied to you, you probably won’t trust your new partner as much as you should.  

So how do we get around it? I think it is important to see past relationships and experiences as learning opportunities. It is impossible to come out on the other side as the same person who went in. Whether you’re better or worse, the fact is that you’ve learnt something. If you know you didn’t react well to a situation or created a situation and it ended badly, don’t do it again, and vice versa.

When you start a new relationship, you don’t want to get into the serious stuff too much, you’d rather enjoy the happy, fun times. Inevitably, the serious history and baggage comes out and needs to be dealt with. You can either sit down and talk about it like grown ups or you can avoid it and bring it up when you have a fight. We all know which is the best option, we just need to do it.

One of the problems here though, is how much is too much? Personally, I don’t want to be asked for too many gory details about my history. Some of the stories are just not worth sharing – there is nothing to be gained by either party. For me, it’s stories about things you may have done after too many tequila shots, stories of questionable choices you made just because and things you’ve done but in the bright light of day would rather forget. And the big suitcase in the room for me is my number – it’s for only me to know, as is yours. Don’t ask for 100% disclosure if you think something will remind you of your baggage or create an issue for you down the line. You can’t unhear it. Personally, I don’t want to hear every detail of your last relationship, just the parts that will affect me and our new relationship.

Being in a relationship, there are two people to consider. You need to be understanding about the baggage each person brings. Have a little patience. It takes time but it does get smaller and much less important. You need to learn from each other, grow together and create new stories that will override the old ones.

I am going to own my baggage. My baggage is that no man has ever properly committed to me. I have done some things that would surprise people and that some people would not approve of. I have been messed around by men more than I’d like to admit. But this is all part of what makes me who I am. I’ve had that fun and collected stories and now want to have a different kind of fun, and create new stories, with someone special. I’ve dated the frogs disguised as princes and now want to date someone who is honest and open and not full of bullshit.

Closing chapters

As I’ve mentioned before, there have been some big changes for me this year, such a starting a new job. Maybe I went into it all quite naively but the people changes have also surprised me. And looking back, it happens every time you move I had obviously forgotten about it.  

You generally spend about 50% of your waking hours at work. You’re surrounded by people who have a shared purpose and who you have a varying degrees of things in common with them as well. Being in marketing, you end up working with very similar people. We share some basic traits, we’re mostly outgoing, enjoy being around people and use our right brains a little more than our left brains. So it’s inevitable that you form friendships. 

I am a person who does what they say. I try not to bullshit. I keep my promises as much as I possibly can. So, effectively, if I say I’m going to stay in touch or say we should keep in touch, it’s because I mean it.  When I left the last company, I didn’t send out the standard firm wide email saying we should all keep in touch and here are my details, because well, that would be bullshit. I didn’t know 50% of the people there a d really only wanted to keep in touch with about 10% of those I did.

And in the first month it’s easy. There’s a space where you used to be, you want to speak to someone familiar. But it then peters off and the conversations become sporadic. For me, the point of moving on is when you don’t reply to a message or make a plan and then just drop it. It shows you have no interest and that we’ve moved on, a case for ‘out of sight, out of mind’. I suppose that may also be the reason these people don’t even attempt to engage with you when they do see you. A bit rude I think, but fair enough. I’m sure it happens all the time.  

On the flipside, you get those people who genuinely are your friends despite the work connection. They make a reciprocal effort and make and keep plans to see you and catch up. It may not be every week but they do at least do it. And that’s what really counts. Of my closest friends, only 3 or so are people I used to work with.  

I’ve realised that sometimes you just have to let some people go, almost like my annual spring clean. You need to close off chapters and move on to other things and people who have different things in common with you. You learnt what you could, had some good times and some bad times, but in the end the friends who stay with you are the ones that matter and that you should really make the effort with.

It really is a case of if people aren’t adding anything to your life or your happiness, why are you holding on? Just let them go, close the chapter and look forward to new experiences with new people.

 

 

To cheat or not to cheat

I flew to Cape Town for a weeks getaway. First, being in an airport is like heaven for me with all the people watching opportunities. And second, it is a fantastic setting to really just observe people and their behaviour.
 
On the plane, there was a guy sitting on the other side of the aisle, one row forward. A girl came and sat next to me. They seemed to know each other. They made eye contact, mouthed words, smiled at each other. Throughout the flight they kept looking at each other not always at the same time. To me it looked like they were an item. A bit strange that they weren't sitting together and arrived separately. I then noticed she had a ring on her ring finger... And I don't think he's the one who gave it to her.
 
This whole scenario led me to wonder when it became so popular for people to cheat? This is certainly not the first time I've seen it and it definitely won't be the last. And I may even be involved in a similar situation at some time in the future (as I have almost in the past).
 
It seems that everyone is married these days. I feel like I may be the only one over 30 who hasn't or isn't. But what fascinates me is that the majority of men who have shown interest in me over the past 6 months have all been taken, whether in a serious relationship, engaged or married. I don't know if it's because I seem to be the kind of girl who is cool with that kind of set up or whether men just don't care and have decided to just go for it and try their luck or a combination.
 
Have the goal posts moved? And why didn't I know about it sooner? Or am I just inexplicably meeting all these people who are “monoamorous”?
 
I asked a taken male friend whether he could offer any insight into why I was suddenly being 'targeted' by taken men. He couldn't give me a decent answer. What he said was that "a guy sees your green eyes and big boobs and is immediately interested and curious. He then speaks to me and realises there's a whole lot more to back it up and the interest increases." Which is all fair enough, but then why just takens and not singles? Is it because the takens don't have much to lose if they strike out because they have someone at home to fall back on?
 
But what if they don't strike out. The girl doesn't realise he's taken (or does but doesn't care) and things develop. When does it become cheating? Is it when you form an emotional connection? When you send each other kisses after spending hours chatting online? When you start sexting and sending naughty pictures? Or when there is actual physical contact?
 
It's very easy to get caught up in something like this, especially when it's still in the non-physical phase. After all, it's just talk and no one is getting hurt right? I reckon that if someone were to cheat on me, I'd rather it was purely physical and not at all emotional. People need to connect with others on an emotional and spiritual level. If they're not doing it with you, and you're not fulfilling that need, someone else is. And that's a far deeper connection and it's much harder to break.

When talking about this with married friends, we all agreed that sleeping with someone once (especially if you’re drunk) is almost more forgivable than forming a relationship with another person. They also agreed that if you cheat, there must be something fundamentally wrong with the relationship.
 
Cheating is a symptom of something bigger that needs to be addressed. You’re not going to consider cheating if you’re happy. If you're in the position and have two options available to you, you need to figure out why you're considering the second option. Are you bored? Are you missing something and what is it? Is the first option ultimately worth fixing or is this the final straw? Are you fixing it for the right reasons - for your happiness and not for the kids, history, others expectations or because it's the right thing for everyone else?
 
It isn’t always that clear cut though. People connect without expecting to and without looking for it. Something as random as sitting next to each other at a friend's braai or striking up a random conversation in a shop can spark something. And it’s not the easiest thing in the world to walk away from, especially if there is a gram of unhappiness which of course seems to grow in relation to the development of the new relationship, either because it’s an eye-opener or to rationalise the cheating. 
 
I found some scary stats that were released at the beginning of the year. 57% of men compared to 54% of women have cheated in any relationship. If there was no chance of being caught, 74% of men and 68% of women would do it. Does this mean that people refrain from cheating because they don’t want to get caught – admittedly the associated drama, heartbreak and admin is hardly worth it! And in turn does that mean that most people would love to mess around because most people are unhappy in their relationships?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to judge. I’ve never been married so I don’t fully understand the dynamics and have never been in the situation takens find themselves in when these things happen. I’ve also cheated before – never slept with anyone – but still cheated nonetheless. I just find the concept and psychology behind fascinating.

And that couple on the plane… they were in fact married to each other. They’re just the disorganised type that check in late and have to take whichever seats are available.

A new beginning

I celebrated my birthday week a couple weeks ago. And I prefer to start fresh around my birthday. But in the lead up to my birthday, there have been some changes that will definitely influence the rest of the year.

First, I started a new degree – BA Psychological Counselling. I had applied for it when things had started to stagnate at work and was sure I could handle 4 subjects because things at work weren’t that hectic and were pretty predictable. But, surprise! I got a new job. And although I can manage it all, it’s a bit of a stretch. But next semester I think I’ll be a bit more realistic.

Then on 1 February, I started a new job. And it’s awesome! After 7 years at the last company, it took moving to a completely different sector (still in Marketing) with completely different people to realise that although I learnt a lot there I have been missing out on how awesome it can actually be! So, for the past 2 months I have been smiling almost non-stop and it’s a great way to be!

It feels like my life is bipolar. Bipolar or manic depression is when a person experiences highs and lows that can vary in degrees of intensity and don’t usually last for more than a few months at a time and the sufferer doesn’t always know they’re going through it. It dawned on me the other day that that’s how I feel. I’ve come out of this ‘depression’ into a manic (happy) phase and only realised once I was out of the dark so to speak. I’m into an upswing now and loving it.

Once I found my feet, I realised that I didn’t miss the old job at all. It’s not that it was a terrible place to work, it was just very different and I had outgrown it. People have asked me if I have moments of regret for leaving. I suppose leaving a comfort zone after so long can be scary and you’re bound to want to go back to what you know and what’s easy. But it hasn’t happened. Maybe it’s because things are polar opposites. Or maybe it’s because it’s really one of the best decisions I have made and I can only look forward.

I now walk around feeling all sparkly and bubbly and happy. And it’s not just obvious to me. A lot of people have commented about what a different person I am. And it has carried through into other areas of my life. This may just be the honeymoon phase and there are sure to be challenges up ahead, but I am happy to just go with it and make the most of the new me.

But new job aside (and a good foundation for happiness), I have decided that this year I’m going to do more of what makes me happy. I have started getting rid of things and people that don’t add to it. I’m looking after me and doing what I need to do to make sure that it stays that way. If I find something I enjoy doing, I’m going to keep doing it, like cycling at Northern Farms, taking photos and spending time with people I enjoy.

I’m going to try and be type of person I’d like to have around. I figure that like attracts like, so if you want to be surrounded by awesome people, be awesome yourself!

So here’s to a year of love, light and happiness! And new exciting opportunities and developments!