The art of the break up

I was out having a glass of wine with a friend the other day and the topic inevitably turned to men. We discussed the latest ones on the scene, those we had seen around and who weren’t looking as good as we remembered and then how things had ended with some of these men. I think everyone has been the victim of a bad breakup, whether it’s a messy one or one that is less than satisfactory – the ones with lots of loose ends.

There should be a basic protocol that should be followed when breaking up with someone. Now I can’t comment on the best way to end a long-term serious relationship, but I can comment on the rest. First, don’t just disappear. That’s just cowardly! And in this day and age quite a difficult thing to do! Everyone is so available, you have at least 5 different ways to get hold of someone, so disappearing is impossible. Having all these various communication channels also makes it easier for people to break up using the wrong medium. It is NOT ok to dump someone by writing on their Facebook wall, by changing your relationship status or mentioning them in a Tweet – “Hi @insertname, I think we should break up #ItsNotYouItsMe”. You should also avoid email and sms and just go the face to face or phone call route. It used to be that it was face to face or nothing – unless you were attempting a long distance relationship and then a call was ok.

Now when it comes to reasons, a lot of people become unstuck. You want to tell the truth, but you don’t want to be too harsh. No one likes to look like a dick afterwards! You CANNOT say “I guess like your favourite book says, I’m just not that into you”!!! No one quotes scripture when they break up with someone – well not in my world! You also can’t say “it’s because I think I have a real shot with your best friend”.

However, I think that if the other person does have their wits about them and has questions, you should answer them and probably do it as truthfully as possible, while still being sensitive. If not, you’re leaving loose ends and more questions.

Also, what is protocol when it comes to gifts and tokens? If someone has bought you a car and it’s in your name, do you give it back? Do you give back a ring, especially one with a really big, pretty, sparkly stone? My first response would be no, especially if you’re the one who’s been dumped – it’s kind of like severance pay. And you don’t take presents back when you break up with a friend… a gift is a gift. Though on the flip side, if I were to break someone’s heart for whatever reason, I may feel guilty enough to give them something back… I’m just not sure what, maybe a photo frame or something?

So if you find yourself in the awkward and painful position of being the one to break up with someone, just think about how you would like to be broken up with and apply it to the situation. If you don’t, you never know, you may be broken up with on Facebook with a message like “Your dick is too small. I think we should see other people. Oh! And by the way, I’m dating your much more well-endowed brother… guess we know who got the good genes in the family!”