At about the same time, the song Mr Vain by Culture Beat
came out and what do you know, we had the perfect poster boy for it! If anyone
loved himself and spent hours on his appearance, it was him!
He once entered Mr South Africa. He asked everyone he knew
to vote for him. He won the best body section but sadly came last (12 out of
12) in the personality section.
Time moved on and the one day I bumped into him at the gym. He
was looking hot. He’d been training hard, tanning, highlighting his hair and
had had his teeth fixed. I must admit it was the body that sold me. So we started
chatting again. While catching up, I discovered that he was a stripper/male pageant
entrant, though he called himself a ‘dancer/model’. His stage name was Tristan
Pitt. Yes, Tristan as in Brad Pitt’s character in Legends of the Fall and well,
Pitt is pretty obvious. It turns out that depending on who was hot at the time
he would try and copy their look… Enrique Iglesias, Ricky Martin, Brad Pitt and
so on.
We then ended up dating for a while. I have to say I was SO
curious about whether his pants were actually stuffed or if we were just being
bitches. We did the normal dating stuff, around the occasional stripper tour,
sorry, ‘dancing tour’. They really toured a lot to fancy places like East
London, PE and Bloemfontein… ahhhh, how he loved the life of an ‘entertainer’.
Anyway, one night he invited me over to his place for dinner
and a sleep over. My mother was almost as excited as me to find out what was
really in his pants! We’re close like that. So off I went, all ready to go. He
cooked and burnt Woolworths lasagne. We watched a movie, had a couple drinks
and then, it was time!! Just before it came to crunch time and the inevitable pants
removal, he sat up and said, “Sorry I can’t do this, I have heartburn.” WTF??
Really? Apparently not even a Rennies could cure it. So that was that, I turned
over and went to sleep.
A couple weeks later, all communication suddenly stopped. And
when I say stopped it was like he had joined the Amish and disappeared forever.
He changed gyms, didn’t answers smses, emails, calls. I thought maybe he had
been attacked and kidnapped by a crazed fan (well I hoped so!). So I gave up on
that and carried on with things.
At that stage of the social scene, Ladies Night at Bourbon
Street on Thursday nights was HUGE! We went every Thursday, drank for free and
laughed at the male strippers. I had never seen “Tristan” dance and it really
was inevitable that we would cross paths again. Lo and behold, one night we
were graced with the dance moves of the Cowboys and Angels, led by Tristan Pitt
(backed up by his younger brother – their mother must be so proud!). they
danced, we laughed… he took all his kit off, but held a vest or something in
front of his (still mysterious) junk. I felt quite nauseous – quite a reality
check that! Aaaaand, OVER IT!
A few weeks after that, I bumped into him at gym again.
Apparently he disappeared because he didn’t know how to tell me that his dad
wanted him to move to Malaysia to run their business there. Really?!? Apparently
there were no balls included in that alleged package.
Since then, he still hasn’t won any personality
competitions, he’s tried to break into the singing market, both English and
Afrikaans and didn’t make it – who can’t make it as an Afrikaans singer?!? I
once heard him sing at a fundraising charity fete. I was quite hungover and was
suddenly subjected to someone trying to hit Justin Timberlake’s super high
notes. It was horrifying! It was Mr Vain. Singing on a stage with no audience. Kinda
sad really… My BFF also once bought me his CD for my birthday (she happened to be in the same beauty salon as him). We listened to it at the party and ended up crying with laughter, it was that bad! He now does Verimark and Homemark exercise adverts. Even sadder…
So that is the story of when I once (and only once) dated a
stripper. Sorry, I mean ‘dancer’…
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