Luckily, we have a spam filter at work. Every day at 12:00 we get our Quarantine Summary, with the emails that don't get through.
Sometimes it is stuff that should be getting through, like daily newsletters or email from people whose addresses seem suspect. But inevitably most of it is crap.
Some examples of email I have been sent include:
Gain your true length easily
Try and you will be pleasantly surprised
Bring joy and happiness to your bed - new bed linen?
Get a monstrous-sized pecker now - Monstrous? Could be worth a look...
Give her a rockin time
Plunge your meat into her - Um... no thanks!
stronger ejaculations - So you can make her hit the ceiling... literally?
Don't be embarassed by the size of your manhood - if you respond to this, you should be embarrassed!
Pink, wet and tight - i don't think they're talking about clothes...
So there's a little bit of everything for, well, men.
But do people actually try these things? Do they work? How desperate do you need to be?
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
Thursday, 17 April 2008
Things I just don't understand
I was sitting in traffic for 1 1/2 hours today - the main traffic lights were out - and started wondering about certain things.
First, if there is a queue of cars, rolling down a hill (as I do every day), do you think we're there because we don't know better? You'll always find someone who isn't used to this traffic who will do a U-turn and try a different route usually through the suburbs. But, the reason we stay on the main road is that there is no such thing as a short cut in peak traffic. It just means that you have to tolerate the same traffic, in a different setting but with more stop streets. Eventually you're going to end up on the same road and probably further back than if you were just patient.
Secondly, why do people get upset when in the left hand lane a taxi stops in front of them? This is what they do! It is to be expected! If you're driving behind a taxi, it will stop. So why get upset, hoot and make a performance, if you know it's coming?
Thirdly, why are people allowed to get away with blatant child abuse by making their children wear Crocs?? It's bad enough that adults actually choose to wear them (and decorate them with 'jewellery') but why must they make their children wear them?? I know that children don't always know better and don't have much say up to a certain age, but why abuse them like this? What happened to the days of just dressing your children the same? Believe me, when they're old enough they will hate you for the Crocs incident!
There are far more things I don't understand but these are the ones that really stood out this morning.
First, if there is a queue of cars, rolling down a hill (as I do every day), do you think we're there because we don't know better? You'll always find someone who isn't used to this traffic who will do a U-turn and try a different route usually through the suburbs. But, the reason we stay on the main road is that there is no such thing as a short cut in peak traffic. It just means that you have to tolerate the same traffic, in a different setting but with more stop streets. Eventually you're going to end up on the same road and probably further back than if you were just patient.
Secondly, why do people get upset when in the left hand lane a taxi stops in front of them? This is what they do! It is to be expected! If you're driving behind a taxi, it will stop. So why get upset, hoot and make a performance, if you know it's coming?
Thirdly, why are people allowed to get away with blatant child abuse by making their children wear Crocs?? It's bad enough that adults actually choose to wear them (and decorate them with 'jewellery') but why must they make their children wear them?? I know that children don't always know better and don't have much say up to a certain age, but why abuse them like this? What happened to the days of just dressing your children the same? Believe me, when they're old enough they will hate you for the Crocs incident!
There are far more things I don't understand but these are the ones that really stood out this morning.
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Load shedding
I am at work, waiting for the effects of the latest load shed to wear off. We have load shedding twice a week between 10am and 2pm. Not the most convenient time for the biggest business centre in the country, but who said there was any reasoning behind the timing by Eskom?
So due to this phenomenon, we have a huge generator in the basement. A generator that overheated and burnt out! I was in the middle of a video conference that still had another hour and a half to go, so luckily that ended!
It did give us a taste of what other businesses in the area go through, when we don't even notice the switch over from Eskom to generator.
But now the other side of this is that they load shed in my area from 6pm to 10pm. Yes... prime TV time and a time where you need electricity to do most things!
I experienced this load shedding at home for the first time last Thursday. I was bored out of my mind after 5 minutes, after which I proceeded to try and irritate the hell out of my cat. Another 5 minutes down... 3 hours 50 minutes to go.... luckily, I had book club to go to!
It happened again on Tuesday evening. I then had an excuse to get pizza (wood-burning ovens are awesome!). The DVD shop next door was also open... how does that work?? But after eating and talking crap with my housemate and a quick shower, I still had 2 hours left... so i did some work on my laptop! So sad! Bored enough at home at night to do work. Sigh....
The next load shed is going to be on Saturday evening. Guess I'll be forced to go out, to ensure I keep my mental faculties in tact.
Suppose I should find something to do that doesn't require electricity to keep boredom at bay... but what??
So due to this phenomenon, we have a huge generator in the basement. A generator that overheated and burnt out! I was in the middle of a video conference that still had another hour and a half to go, so luckily that ended!
It did give us a taste of what other businesses in the area go through, when we don't even notice the switch over from Eskom to generator.
But now the other side of this is that they load shed in my area from 6pm to 10pm. Yes... prime TV time and a time where you need electricity to do most things!
I experienced this load shedding at home for the first time last Thursday. I was bored out of my mind after 5 minutes, after which I proceeded to try and irritate the hell out of my cat. Another 5 minutes down... 3 hours 50 minutes to go.... luckily, I had book club to go to!
It happened again on Tuesday evening. I then had an excuse to get pizza (wood-burning ovens are awesome!). The DVD shop next door was also open... how does that work?? But after eating and talking crap with my housemate and a quick shower, I still had 2 hours left... so i did some work on my laptop! So sad! Bored enough at home at night to do work. Sigh....
The next load shed is going to be on Saturday evening. Guess I'll be forced to go out, to ensure I keep my mental faculties in tact.
Suppose I should find something to do that doesn't require electricity to keep boredom at bay... but what??
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Goodbye 20's, hello 30's!
I went to the Coke Fest on 21 March, a perfect way to see out my 20's and see my 30's in. As it happened, I turned 30 at the Coke Fest, during Korn (not my ideal band, but there you go).
We arrived in Alberton at about 1:00 and parked waaay down at the end of the racetrack. Luckily for us, the weather turned out well and we got a bit tanned as well.
While Gareth (Natalie's boyf) spent an hour and a half in the bar getting beers to quench our thirst, we (Natalie, Geraldine and me) sat on the grass and watched the people. Shew! There were some freaks! Being a rock festival, I guess it's par for the course. There were the usual Goths, plenty gingers, huge bodybuilder types and girls in next to nothing. I don’t know when last I saw so many tattoos either! Good lord! It's amazing what people will put on themselves!
There was also a marriage proposal on the big screen, which was very touching and got lots of aaahhhs and cheers from the crowd.
There were also those whose manners left a lot to be desired! People throwing up all willy nilly where they sat, guys peeing into cups and pouring it out onto the grass. Things like that, I do not need to see!
The concert itself was awesome! We had Golden Circle tickets. I had to fight the urge to run past the non-Golden Circle people giving them the finger and calling them cheap.
One of the highlights was seeing Jared Leto up close. We were at the back of the circle but he decided to run through the circle and climb the dividing fence behind us…. He is breathtaking! I also got the meet Khan from the Parlotones and Joel Madden form Good Charlotte.
The bands were fantastic! I loved Good Charlotte, who were the main reason I was there. Chris Cornell and Kaiser Chiefs were also great!
After about 6 (or more) beers and little bit of a joint (Hey! I was celebrating the end of an era!) I was happy, relaxed and loving life! I also kissed a boy because it was almost my birthday and well, I deserved it! Oooh and I managed to score a set of devil's horns!
A great time was had by all! Until we had to wait an hour and a half to get out of the racetrack and then got stopped in a road block on the way home. It's really amazing that it only takes R50 these days to ensure you don’t get arrested!
So after a fun filled day and night, with all sorts of excitement, I am now ready to settle into my 30's… I think.
We arrived in Alberton at about 1:00 and parked waaay down at the end of the racetrack. Luckily for us, the weather turned out well and we got a bit tanned as well.
While Gareth (Natalie's boyf) spent an hour and a half in the bar getting beers to quench our thirst, we (Natalie, Geraldine and me) sat on the grass and watched the people. Shew! There were some freaks! Being a rock festival, I guess it's par for the course. There were the usual Goths, plenty gingers, huge bodybuilder types and girls in next to nothing. I don’t know when last I saw so many tattoos either! Good lord! It's amazing what people will put on themselves!
There was also a marriage proposal on the big screen, which was very touching and got lots of aaahhhs and cheers from the crowd.
There were also those whose manners left a lot to be desired! People throwing up all willy nilly where they sat, guys peeing into cups and pouring it out onto the grass. Things like that, I do not need to see!
The concert itself was awesome! We had Golden Circle tickets. I had to fight the urge to run past the non-Golden Circle people giving them the finger and calling them cheap.
One of the highlights was seeing Jared Leto up close. We were at the back of the circle but he decided to run through the circle and climb the dividing fence behind us…. He is breathtaking! I also got the meet Khan from the Parlotones and Joel Madden form Good Charlotte.
The bands were fantastic! I loved Good Charlotte, who were the main reason I was there. Chris Cornell and Kaiser Chiefs were also great!
After about 6 (or more) beers and little bit of a joint (Hey! I was celebrating the end of an era!) I was happy, relaxed and loving life! I also kissed a boy because it was almost my birthday and well, I deserved it! Oooh and I managed to score a set of devil's horns!
A great time was had by all! Until we had to wait an hour and a half to get out of the racetrack and then got stopped in a road block on the way home. It's really amazing that it only takes R50 these days to ensure you don’t get arrested!
So after a fun filled day and night, with all sorts of excitement, I am now ready to settle into my 30's… I think.
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
A quick catch up
I have decided to do a quick recap of the last month or so now that things have calmed down a bit on the work front (thank god!!)
First, the family went off the Zanzibar for a week to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. We had an awesome time! It is a gorgeous island and the people are incredibly friendly ad the culture and architecture is wonderful. The only downside is that it is a very popular couples and honeymoon destination…. And people assumed that my brother and I were married. AWKWARD! We relaxed, scuba dived and got fantastic tans and of course ate far too much! I even learnt how to weave a hat out of palm fronds! So Survivor! (i've added some pics below)
A couple weeks after my return, I was off to Cape Town for work. I was there for the gigantic power failure, where we ended up driving all the way to the northern suburbs for food. We had a stand with some African firms at the Mining Indaba. So after two days of schmoozing and going on about how fantastic our firm is, I was all mined out! And those mining people are a whole other breed!
While in Cape Town I saw my friend Kerry again. We have been friends since we were about 6 and had a fantastic time as teenagers! We were very naughty but in a good way J. I haven't seen her for 3 years, after a bit of a falling out, that I guess was due to happen after so long. She is now 6 months pregnant and very happy! It was awesome to see her again! I think I may also have mellowed in my old age, so things seem to be back on track.
Then it was back to Joburg and the biggest client event of the year… the Budget Breakfast. This happens the morning after Trevor's budget speech and we host about 250 clients. I am so over lists of people and seating plans, it isn’t even funny! But all in all, the 16 hour days paid of and it was a huge success!
So here I am catching up on the things that I have put on the backburner for the last month. It actually feels weird not to be getting irritable and feeling very overworked. But it still feels good!
Other than that, not much else has changed. I still spend 45 minutes in the traffic every morning reading The Times or doing the You magazine crossword or surfing Facebook on my phone.
I shall write again soon about the weirder things that have happened to me in the last couple weeks. This post is getting a bit long.
First, the family went off the Zanzibar for a week to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. We had an awesome time! It is a gorgeous island and the people are incredibly friendly ad the culture and architecture is wonderful. The only downside is that it is a very popular couples and honeymoon destination…. And people assumed that my brother and I were married. AWKWARD! We relaxed, scuba dived and got fantastic tans and of course ate far too much! I even learnt how to weave a hat out of palm fronds! So Survivor! (i've added some pics below)
A couple weeks after my return, I was off to Cape Town for work. I was there for the gigantic power failure, where we ended up driving all the way to the northern suburbs for food. We had a stand with some African firms at the Mining Indaba. So after two days of schmoozing and going on about how fantastic our firm is, I was all mined out! And those mining people are a whole other breed!
While in Cape Town I saw my friend Kerry again. We have been friends since we were about 6 and had a fantastic time as teenagers! We were very naughty but in a good way J. I haven't seen her for 3 years, after a bit of a falling out, that I guess was due to happen after so long. She is now 6 months pregnant and very happy! It was awesome to see her again! I think I may also have mellowed in my old age, so things seem to be back on track.
Then it was back to Joburg and the biggest client event of the year… the Budget Breakfast. This happens the morning after Trevor's budget speech and we host about 250 clients. I am so over lists of people and seating plans, it isn’t even funny! But all in all, the 16 hour days paid of and it was a huge success!
So here I am catching up on the things that I have put on the backburner for the last month. It actually feels weird not to be getting irritable and feeling very overworked. But it still feels good!
Other than that, not much else has changed. I still spend 45 minutes in the traffic every morning reading The Times or doing the You magazine crossword or surfing Facebook on my phone.
I shall write again soon about the weirder things that have happened to me in the last couple weeks. This post is getting a bit long.
Wednesday, 9 January 2008
... and it's 2008!
Time flies! I can't believe it is already 2008! I am definitely hoping for a year that is better than 2007 was.
So here is a quick recap of my last holiday in Palm Springs. We had good weather, hence the tan, has some rain and some vicious wind. I was on the beach all morning if the weather was good and slept most afternoons.
I drove around the town with my dad the one day, i guess having a last look, because the only reason to go to East London is for Palm Springs.
The locals are really fat and generally inbred (well the ones we saw). The 'locals' of Kidds Beach were also a bit on the special side. One night while we were at The Barn, they cut a beach buggy fuel line, stole our number plate and let some friend's tyres down.
All in all a good time was had! On my second night there, my friend Kent arrived and we went off to the Barn with someone we met named Jackie. After a few vodka's and making friends with all sorts of people there, one being from JHB (and who looked familiar from the club circuit) we decided it was time to go swim in a heated pool.
So, off we drove. We snuck onto the property, climbed a fence, removed the pool cover took most of our clothes off and proceeded to spend the next hour relaxing in someone's pool.
This may the holiday where i have broken the most laws!
1. Driving under the influence
2. Trespassing
3. Breaking and entering
4. Indecent Exposure
Then add (with my dad):
5. Poaching mussels
and i think this just goes to prove that my holiday was quite a goodie!
Enjoy 2008! And remember.... just don't get caught! :)
So here is a quick recap of my last holiday in Palm Springs. We had good weather, hence the tan, has some rain and some vicious wind. I was on the beach all morning if the weather was good and slept most afternoons.
I drove around the town with my dad the one day, i guess having a last look, because the only reason to go to East London is for Palm Springs.
The locals are really fat and generally inbred (well the ones we saw). The 'locals' of Kidds Beach were also a bit on the special side. One night while we were at The Barn, they cut a beach buggy fuel line, stole our number plate and let some friend's tyres down.
All in all a good time was had! On my second night there, my friend Kent arrived and we went off to the Barn with someone we met named Jackie. After a few vodka's and making friends with all sorts of people there, one being from JHB (and who looked familiar from the club circuit) we decided it was time to go swim in a heated pool.
So, off we drove. We snuck onto the property, climbed a fence, removed the pool cover took most of our clothes off and proceeded to spend the next hour relaxing in someone's pool.
This may the holiday where i have broken the most laws!
1. Driving under the influence
2. Trespassing
3. Breaking and entering
4. Indecent Exposure
Then add (with my dad):
5. Poaching mussels
and i think this just goes to prove that my holiday was quite a goodie!
Enjoy 2008! And remember.... just don't get caught! :)
Thursday, 20 December 2007
And the year is almost done
I was looking back at my first post, that included some resolutions. It's now time to see how well i did!
Be healthier - this went relatively well. I got back into gym, though have been a bit slack this month. I have also lost weight, so I'm happy with that! Though i wouldn't mind losing a few more.
Buy a new car - DONE!
Have something that resembles a relationship (longer than 4 months) - Um.... resolution not achieved, in the slightest, though i still somehow managed to get my feelings hurt and my heart a bit bruised.
So while on holiday, I will see if i can come up with anything worth mentioning.
I leave for East London again today! Wooohoooo!!! I am very excited! 10 days of relaxing, no worries and not too much spending.
Hopefully the weather will be good, so that i can get some quality beach time. Otherwise, I will have my laptop with me, with the latest series.
I hope everyone has a fantastic festive season and a fab new year!
Catch you in 2008! Here's to a great year and more good karma!
Be healthier - this went relatively well. I got back into gym, though have been a bit slack this month. I have also lost weight, so I'm happy with that! Though i wouldn't mind losing a few more.
Buy a new car - DONE!
Have something that resembles a relationship (longer than 4 months) - Um.... resolution not achieved, in the slightest, though i still somehow managed to get my feelings hurt and my heart a bit bruised.
So while on holiday, I will see if i can come up with anything worth mentioning.
I leave for East London again today! Wooohoooo!!! I am very excited! 10 days of relaxing, no worries and not too much spending.
Hopefully the weather will be good, so that i can get some quality beach time. Otherwise, I will have my laptop with me, with the latest series.
I hope everyone has a fantastic festive season and a fab new year!
Catch you in 2008! Here's to a great year and more good karma!
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
How to get your friends to hook you up with the girl of your current dreams
This is the conversation that will apparently hook one of my frineds up with another friend, who he took a liking to on Facebook.
* Names have been changed, so as not to scare her, should she read this :)
Loulou : How are you?
*Blondie: Fine thx and you?
Loulou: Im all good - btw i know this frikkingly awesome dude which I know you will like and he says he would like to get to know better :)
Blondie: Who?
Loulou: * Wolfie Smith
Blondie: Im in love already...
Loulou: Wicked! I'll set you up.
Blondie: Dont worry - just give me his phone number and I'll do the organising myself - can't let a catch like that loose!
Loulou: You won't regret it!
Blondie: I'm sure - hot tantric sex here i come!!!
I'll keep you updated about whether it works or not.
* Names have been changed, so as not to scare her, should she read this :)
Loulou : How are you?
*Blondie: Fine thx and you?
Loulou: Im all good - btw i know this frikkingly awesome dude which I know you will like and he says he would like to get to know better :)
Blondie: Who?
Loulou: * Wolfie Smith
Blondie: Im in love already...
Loulou: Wicked! I'll set you up.
Blondie: Dont worry - just give me his phone number and I'll do the organising myself - can't let a catch like that loose!
Loulou: You won't regret it!
Blondie: I'm sure - hot tantric sex here i come!!!
I'll keep you updated about whether it works or not.
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
The excuses men give….
I was sitting on the beach in Cape Town the other day (as you do) letting my mind wander…. I decided a great blog topic would be “The excuses men give”. And believe me, there are some pearlers! Having been in the dating game for 15 odd years, and with the input of my brother, I have come up with my own top 10.
Number 10
I think we are good together and can make it work but you’ll need to first change a couple things about your personality
Number 9
I might be moving to Malaysia. This was said in an email…
Number 8
I don’t see a future for us. What? Are you a psychic?
Number 7
I want to settle down but I don’t think you’re right for that.
Number 6
It’s not you, it’s me. This is a very popular one! It really means it’s not me, it’s you. I've used it a few times myself. When I do, it means you irritate the hell out of me and if I spend another minute with you, I am likely to seriously abuse you, or pull a muscle from rolling my eyes so much.
Number 5
There’s no connection. I'm sorry? Are you an electrician? Have we crossed wires somewhere along the way?
Number 4
My ex has asked me to go back to her (even after she slept with my best friend and father), so I’m going to see if we can make it work this time. Sure... good luck with that!
Number 3
I want to concentrate on my career - as a barman?
Number 2
I don’t want to ruin the friendship.
AND…. Number 1
I just want to be single. I'm not ready for a relationship. Things are very complicated at the moment and I need to sort things out. But here’s the reason it’s number 1… it also means “give me two weeks and I’ll have a girlfriend”
So what is the point of these excuses? I would prefer the honest approach. If there is a reason, just tell me without bullshitting! Most girls I know prefer this because the truth is easier to understand and deal with than some ridiculous, already-heard excuse.
Unless you can come up with an original, believable and mind-blowing excuse, why bother?
Oh! And feel free to add some of the good excuses you've had to endure in the comments bit!
Number 10
I think we are good together and can make it work but you’ll need to first change a couple things about your personality
Number 9
I might be moving to Malaysia. This was said in an email…
Number 8
I don’t see a future for us. What? Are you a psychic?
Number 7
I want to settle down but I don’t think you’re right for that.
Number 6
It’s not you, it’s me. This is a very popular one! It really means it’s not me, it’s you. I've used it a few times myself. When I do, it means you irritate the hell out of me and if I spend another minute with you, I am likely to seriously abuse you, or pull a muscle from rolling my eyes so much.
Number 5
There’s no connection. I'm sorry? Are you an electrician? Have we crossed wires somewhere along the way?
Number 4
My ex has asked me to go back to her (even after she slept with my best friend and father), so I’m going to see if we can make it work this time. Sure... good luck with that!
Number 3
I want to concentrate on my career - as a barman?
Number 2
I don’t want to ruin the friendship.
AND…. Number 1
I just want to be single. I'm not ready for a relationship. Things are very complicated at the moment and I need to sort things out. But here’s the reason it’s number 1… it also means “give me two weeks and I’ll have a girlfriend”
So what is the point of these excuses? I would prefer the honest approach. If there is a reason, just tell me without bullshitting! Most girls I know prefer this because the truth is easier to understand and deal with than some ridiculous, already-heard excuse.
Unless you can come up with an original, believable and mind-blowing excuse, why bother?
Oh! And feel free to add some of the good excuses you've had to endure in the comments bit!
Monday, 10 December 2007
I apologise....
I apologise for going on as I did in previous posts… I fear I was delusional and probably temporarily insane. That really wasn't the usual me and it scares me that I can become that person...Eeewww! :) It happens!
After a reality check, and some disappointing conduct by someone I thought worthwhile and out of the ordinary, I would like to say that I have thankfully come to my senses and promise to revert to my more fun and cynical self.
Here’s to a more fun future! Cheers!
After a reality check, and some disappointing conduct by someone I thought worthwhile and out of the ordinary, I would like to say that I have thankfully come to my senses and promise to revert to my more fun and cynical self.
Here’s to a more fun future! Cheers!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)