How to start your own cult

My brother and I have been toying with this idea for a while now. It seems like a quick and easy way to get rich and be adored for no good reason.

So, how does one go about starting their own cult?

There seem to be no female cult leaders. I think I can use this to my advantage! I see a gap in the market… One step closer!

I watched the series on “Killer Cults” on the History Channel. It seems that the following are necessary:

1. You need to be UGLY! And I don’t mean a bit, I mean very!
2. You need to have very bad hair, the frizzier the better
3. You need to have bad eyes. This either results in you looking like you are unable to open them or gives you a reason to wear big old fashioned glasses.
4. Your personal habits need to be questionable along with your dress sense.
5. You should believe you are a sex god and that women actually want to sleep with you. Sex also seems to be a reason or a common thread with most cults. What better reason to engage in group sex with all sorts of people than to do so within a cult?

I have looked up this whole cult thing and I think my brother and I should start a ‘commercial’ cult. This means we get to sell arbitrary stuff (like books, DVD’s, branded underwear) to people and therefore make money off it! There is also the choice of the ‘religious’ cult, though neither of us are religious and I think Rhema has cornered that market. I would like to get on Ray McCauley’s bad side! He’s got crazy eyes!!

We would then have to offer ‘exclusivism’ as a way of brainwashing people into giving us their money and worshipping us blindly. We would promise membership to our exclusive and fabulous circle, much like an exclusive nightclub. And we may even give them cocktails too.

A few other mind control methods caught my attention though. Things like time control. Does this mean that work is actually a cult? Are they controlling our minds?? I guess so! Another is a strict reporting structure, where you can’t trust anyone not to run to the ‘leader’ and rat on you…. Again, this sounds very familiar!

After looking at the list again, it seems my brother and I will need to make over the image of a traditional cult leader. Be gone bad hair and giant glasses! We will start a far trendier and fun cult! Only good looking, rich people and lots of cocktail hours!