And the year is almost done

I was looking back at my first post, that included some resolutions. It's now time to see how well i did!
Be healthier - this went relatively well. I got back into gym, though have been a bit slack this month. I have also lost weight, so I'm happy with that! Though i wouldn't mind losing a few more.
Buy a new car - DONE!
Have something that resembles a relationship (longer than 4 months) - Um.... resolution not achieved, in the slightest, though i still somehow managed to get my feelings hurt and my heart a bit bruised.

So while on holiday, I will see if i can come up with anything worth mentioning.

I leave for East London again today! Wooohoooo!!! I am very excited! 10 days of relaxing, no worries and not too much spending.

Hopefully the weather will be good, so that i can get some quality beach time. Otherwise, I will have my laptop with me, with the latest series.

I hope everyone has a fantastic festive season and a fab new year!

Catch you in 2008! Here's to a great year and more good karma!

How to get your friends to hook you up with the girl of your current dreams

This is the conversation that will apparently hook one of my frineds up with another friend, who he took a liking to on Facebook.

* Names have been changed, so as not to scare her, should she read this :)

Loulou : How are you?
*Blondie: Fine thx and you?
Loulou: Im all good - btw i know this frikkingly awesome dude which I know you will like and he says he would like to get to know better :)
Blondie: Who?
Loulou: * Wolfie Smith
Blondie: Im in love already...
Loulou: Wicked! I'll set you up.
Blondie: Dont worry - just give me his phone number and I'll do the organising myself - can't let a catch like that loose!
Loulou: You won't regret it!
Blondie: I'm sure - hot tantric sex here i come!!!

I'll keep you updated about whether it works or not.

The excuses men give….

I was sitting on the beach in Cape Town the other day (as you do) letting my mind wander…. I decided a great blog topic would be “The excuses men give”. And believe me, there are some pearlers! Having been in the dating game for 15 odd years, and with the input of my brother, I have come up with my own top 10.

Number 10

I think we are good together and can make it work but you’ll need to first change a couple things about your personality

Number 9

I might be moving to Malaysia. This was said in an email…

Number 8

I don’t see a future for us. What? Are you a psychic?

Number 7

I want to settle down but I don’t think you’re right for that.

Number 6

It’s not you, it’s me. This is a very popular one! It really means it’s not me, it’s you. I've used it a few times myself. When I do, it means you irritate the hell out of me and if I spend another minute with you, I am likely to seriously abuse you, or pull a muscle from rolling my eyes so much.

Number 5

There’s no connection. I'm sorry? Are you an electrician? Have we crossed wires somewhere along the way?

Number 4

My ex has asked me to go back to her (even after she slept with my best friend and father), so I’m going to see if we can make it work this time. Sure... good luck with that!

Number 3

I want to concentrate on my career - as a barman?

Number 2

I don’t want to ruin the friendship.

AND…. Number 1

I just want to be single. I'm not ready for a relationship. Things are very complicated at the moment and I need to sort things out. But here’s the reason it’s number 1… it also means “give me two weeks and I’ll have a girlfriend”

So what is the point of these excuses? I would prefer the honest approach. If there is a reason, just tell me without bullshitting! Most girls I know prefer this because the truth is easier to understand and deal with than some ridiculous, already-heard excuse.

Unless you can come up with an original, believable and mind-blowing excuse, why bother?

Oh! And feel free to add some of the good excuses you've had to endure in the comments bit!

I apologise....

I apologise for going on as I did in previous posts… I fear I was delusional and probably temporarily insane. That really wasn't the usual me and it scares me that I can become that person...Eeewww! :) It happens!

After a reality check, and some disappointing conduct by someone I thought worthwhile and out of the ordinary, I would like to say that I have thankfully come to my senses and promise to revert to my more fun and cynical self.

Here’s to a more fun future! Cheers!

Brazilians are fun!

Before I went to Cape Town last week, I decided it was time to get a brazilian. I have been going for bikini waxes for ages and become used to the pain. Though I suppose it is skin that sees the light of day a bit more than the rest.

So off I speed to my appointment after work. My mother had forgotten to give me the message to take Panado’s before, to lessen the pain. Oh well…

I get there and take it all off. It started out fine, with the usual areas being waxed… not too bad! Yet…

When the time came to take everything off form the ‘undercarriage’ I must admit I was a bit nervous. Though I think the distraction of talking to my beautician, who is also a friend, was ideal. The pain actually wasn’t too bad. I think I got frights more than anything. And I do admit that the hot wax actually felt kinda nice. A different feeling but a pleasant one nonetheless.

After much pulling and manoeuvring, I was done. I did end up with a rather large blood blister underneath, but that disappeared in a day or two. And of course I had to get used to the feeling of wearing underwear. And I admit that it felt really nice, all that smooth skin…. Reminded me of the first leg wax I had. The difference is that it isn’t frowned upon when a girl feels her newly smooth legs.

And of course it is worthy of showing off to other people! Though not always the full show.

Is it all about timing?

I have been pondering. This is not a good thing!

My question of the moment is this… Why is it all about the timing? In the past, I was the one who wasn’t ready or I didn’t know what I wanted. But now I know exactly what I want but can’t have it. The reasons for this aren’t 100% clear (and not from my side) but are the standard ones. The ones I have used. The ones I have decided to work around.

The friends I have spoken to about this have informed me that I am catch and any man would be stupid not to try. I tend to agree. I think I have a lot to offer. So why is no one taking up the offer? Why are all the personality challenged people not having a problem? How do they go from one to the other as if it is the easiest thing?

I think that it should be easier somehow. I have been playing the dating game for about 15 years now. And still I haven’t got much to show for it. Sure there have been a few relationships that stand out and probably could’ve been something more, perhaps if the timing were better? But alas, here I sit with not much of anything to show. I suppose it could be said that rather play the field than settle for someone who wasn’t right or who wouldn’t have worked out in the long run. But seriously!! How long do I have to wait? I’ve paid my dues, I’ve done the time, I’ve dated the assholes! Come on already!!! I need a bit of a silver lining! Just a smidgen!

Why is it that now that I have finally figured it out, there is nothing to celebrate with and no reward? Is this karma still biting me in the ass? How much more bad relationship karma do I need to work off?? It is just getting frustrating now!

So my thought now, is what do I need to do to get what I want? Is it worth it to fight so hard? Or am I just wasting my time and energy on someone who isn’t really worth it? Maybe there is a better guy out there, who has just that one extra thing to offer? How in the hell are we supposed to know?? Where are the signs?

I guess the plan of action for the time being is just to go with the flow and I suppose that if it’s meant to be, it will. Hopefully the effort is worth it! After all, I only have another 43 years to live!

23 work days and counting!

23 more working days until I go to the coast for my December sabbatical at the lovely resort of Palm Springs!

But even more exciting than that is it’s only 2 weeks until I go to Cape Town for a long weekend, in the company of 2 good (looking) guy friends and a guaranteed good time (unless either one of them has PMS)!

My friend of 14 years, Warren, recently moved down to Cape Town so once again, I have an excuse to go down. He also stays in the CBD, which is awesome because it is SO much better than the Joburg one and actually safe to walk around and they have squirrels!

And I am proud to say I am steadily losing weight so I should be looking a little better by the time I hit the beach. But will be almost beach ready for Palm Springs, assuming I won’t be able to afford food in Cape Town J As long as I can afford cocktails….

So all in all, it is looking up and the festive season is pretty much upon us! WOOOHOOO!!!

Well, back to work, it makes time fly!

You wear what to gym?

I went to gym yesterday, as you do when attempting to get ready for the looming beach season.

It was all good, I cycled my ass off (unfortunately not literally) and got ready to go home feeling very good about myself.

And then I saw it…. A guy coming out if the change room, wearing… wait for it… bright luminous pink poly shorts, a grey vest that didn’t really cover his boep and two bright blue knee guards! What an assault on my tired eyes!

It seemed that everyone else was just as speechless. I wasn’t the only one staring or giggling. Good lord! I hope he’s toned it down for today!

And why do they still even make poly shorts or actually sell them to people who are clearly not athletes or going to be running a marathon? I once saw Heinz Winkler wearing them, while stretching on a railing…. We waited for his package to pop out so we could point and laugh, but alas, this did not happen. Sigh.

How to start your own cult

My brother and I have been toying with this idea for a while now. It seems like a quick and easy way to get rich and be adored for no good reason.

So, how does one go about starting their own cult?

There seem to be no female cult leaders. I think I can use this to my advantage! I see a gap in the market… One step closer!

I watched the series on “Killer Cults” on the History Channel. It seems that the following are necessary:

1. You need to be UGLY! And I don’t mean a bit, I mean very!
2. You need to have very bad hair, the frizzier the better
3. You need to have bad eyes. This either results in you looking like you are unable to open them or gives you a reason to wear big old fashioned glasses.
4. Your personal habits need to be questionable along with your dress sense.
5. You should believe you are a sex god and that women actually want to sleep with you. Sex also seems to be a reason or a common thread with most cults. What better reason to engage in group sex with all sorts of people than to do so within a cult?

I have looked up this whole cult thing and I think my brother and I should start a ‘commercial’ cult. This means we get to sell arbitrary stuff (like books, DVD’s, branded underwear) to people and therefore make money off it! There is also the choice of the ‘religious’ cult, though neither of us are religious and I think Rhema has cornered that market. I would like to get on Ray McCauley’s bad side! He’s got crazy eyes!!

We would then have to offer ‘exclusivism’ as a way of brainwashing people into giving us their money and worshipping us blindly. We would promise membership to our exclusive and fabulous circle, much like an exclusive nightclub. And we may even give them cocktails too.

A few other mind control methods caught my attention though. Things like time control. Does this mean that work is actually a cult? Are they controlling our minds?? I guess so! Another is a strict reporting structure, where you can’t trust anyone not to run to the ‘leader’ and rat on you…. Again, this sounds very familiar!

After looking at the list again, it seems my brother and I will need to make over the image of a traditional cult leader. Be gone bad hair and giant glasses! We will start a far trendier and fun cult! Only good looking, rich people and lots of cocktail hours!

Wheel of Convenience?

On Gareth Cliff's show, they have been running a competition called the "Wheel of Convenience" by Janssen Cilag for their contraceptive patch.

So you spin the wheel and win prizes that are supposed to make your life easier. Things like a butler for a day, a PA for a day or a chef for a night.

What i was wondering though is, if i did win, what the hell would i do with a butler or PA for a day?

I work all day, so have no need for a butler and don't really have a huge house that would warrant a man servant. And honestly it would freak me out a bit having someone there to do all sorts of stuff.... kind of like a freaky shadow or something.

I don't have too many things like bills and stuff for someone else could sort out (since i like it done my own way and only i can really understand it) or too many chores to run or kids to do stuff for or look after.

The chef, i could enjoy but how much notice do you get? And do you have to buy the ingredients or is it a package?

So say i won a butler, do you think i could trade him in for cash? That would be SUPER convenient for me!

Sexercise

I have started getting back into gym again. I really need to since beach season is almost upon us. I am going to Cape Town for a long weekend in a month and we will be spending a lot of time of the beach. Clifton in particular, where all the skinny models go. I do not want to be the beached whale! And i don't want to cause waves of nausea for the person I will be there with (or be very unfavourably compared). But at least I have big boobs, that can be quite distracting! :)

So I've gone back to gym. I am very stiff, but i like it! it feels like I've done something. I was talking to a girl i know at gym and she was commenting on the fact that even though she goes 5 days a week, she doesn't feel like she's getting anywhere. Her weight, fitness and toning has plateaued. I tend to agree, you get to a certain point and short of becoming like a freaky body building chick, that's it!. Though i would love to plateau where she is!

We then started talking about how sex is great exercise and you can notice a difference if you're getting it a lot. It really helps with weight loss and toning! But alas, neither of us are getting it!

So i was thinking.... why don't they offer this service at gym? Apart from the obvious prostitution angle, i think it would be a viable exercise option! Almost like having a personal trainer. They would be very busy and would attract lots of clients, thereby increasing the company profits. There could be sexercise sessions, like tan can sessions. And of course you wouldn't run the risk of getting into a relationship because it is purely business.

I don;t think that single (and this doesn't include those who have friends with benefits) people should have to plateau because they aren't getting laid. We should have ALL kinds of exercise available to us, especially the ones that work the best!

So i say, bring on sexercise as part of the gym contract! And i'm sure they can work out the Vitality rates to go with it! And i promise, i'll work out every day!

Big Weekend!

I (and some girlfriends) have decided boys are morons!! They are totally clueless! Boys are stupid, throw stones at them!

I no longer have a crush. It all got very irritating and quite tiring. I am tried of trying to get things going and always taking the first step. Men are NOT supposed to play hard-to-get!!! What is that? That's for girls to do! (This only reinforces my belief that men are becoming women....) So I have given up. ...sigh.... His loss :)

But i can report that my vow of celibacy is going very well! It's going so well that I have stopped counting the weeks. My brother broke his though, lucky bastard!

My daddy comes home today, from climbing Mount Everest. So i am guessing we will have loads of pics to go through and lots of stories. He has been away for a month. It's the longest he's been away and i think my mom is about to go a bit mad and let the single life go to her head, so thank god he's almost home! and hopefully with some awesome pressies! I will try get my dad to guest blog with the highlights of his giant journey.

Tonight, i am off to the Amstel relaunch party, which should be super fun! I am then OBVIOUSLY watching the rugby tomorrow! I am SO excited!! I remember my first World Cup Final... i was still young and innocent :-)

And that is about it. WOOOHOOOO!!!!

And things keep on going....

At the moment, I am quite content. I am a bit bored at work, but doubt that will keep up for much longer. I should really just make some more work for myself.

It has been raining for the last 2 weeks (or thereabout) and I am really starting to miss the sun! If i wanted this weather, i would be in London! But alas, I know the sun will be back and with a vengeance! Very exciting! Though the rain isn't the worst thing, I was ordered home yesterday afternoon so that I would miss the HUGE storm that was coming. I got stuck in traffic and only got home at the usual time. But it was in time to save my washing from the drizzle. Quite a storm I tell you! It was very disappointing, I was hoping to see (not get in the middle of) a tornado. But again, i have been disappointed.

I seem to also have come out of my self-imposed hibernation. I'm almost fully booked for the rest of the year! Farewells, weekends away at a spa, rugby, birthdays and a trip to Cape Town to end it off. Naturally though that means trying not to overindulge, while losing weight and finding the energy to go to gym. It's not easy, but someone has to do it! Otherwise there is absolutely no way i am going onto Clifton in anything short of a burkha!

What else.... Ooh, i have a crush on someone! Yes, i know i may be too old for that, but it's oh so fun! Of course he probably has no idea (men never do! Why is that??) and i doubt would make a move if he did (men are also very chicken these days.... why is that as well??). I would say that no matter how 'empowered' we become, men should make the first move. So that is my little secret (though i suppose not so secret to those who know me well).

I also went to a psychic... it was awesome! I got a lot of positive stuff out of it, though with the necessary and expected bad news. So if it all comes true, things will be going very well for me! Except for a funeral thrown in.

And that's about it for my little update.

I did try and get my boss to order me home again today on account of the Post Office strike, but he didn't fall for it...

Sexpo!!!

Last night, I went to the Sexpo with my brother. Yes, we do these things together and laugh our asses off!

We hopped in the car and drove off the Gallagher Estate in the pouring rain. After an hour or so of traffic, we arrived! We ran through the rain dodging puddles to join the other die-hards.

The first thing that caught our eye when we walked in (besides the good looking boy with a toight bum) was the “Stud Butler”. Let me explain…. It is a half dummy man that holds a dildo and moves backwards and forwards. He stands about 60 cm high and wears a tux (or gown should you wish) and has 3 interchangeable “attachments”. It also folds up into a nifty carry bag. He is remote controlled, has different thrusting speeds and a tilt option as well…. And it’s FREAKY looking!

There were also people in willy and boob suits walking around. The willy got tackled and couldn’t get up again…. It’s so sad when that happens…

THEN there was Pricasso. They guy who paints portraits with his willy…. Seriously!!! He was wearing boots and a hat. And using his willy as a paintbrush. Dipping it in paint and using it to paint portraits. In the serious discussion that followed, we decided that it was probably very desensitized, prone to infection due to paint getting up and probably a bit stretched too, though we couldn’t figure out what kind of paint he used…. (see below...)

There was also a Randy Rodeo. Instead of the usual bull that you ride, it was a giant cock. And by cock I mean willy.

There were a lot of sex shops, which are always fun to browse! And the DVD stands!? Hell, some very interesting covers and titles. Why do the girls always look a bit upset or uncomfortable on the cover? I thought they enjoying a cock in the face? The best title we saw was “The Da Vinci Load…. The Truth will cum out” hahahaha!! And some were SO shocking! We almost lost our lunch because of one cover, but I really can’t think about it!

And naturally, there were the sensible stands… AIDS, contraception, choices for women etc etc. The AIDS stand was interesting…. Free (and hopefully not the damaged) condoms, postcards, date rape prevention booklets (??) and a chart of sexual activities and their risk factor re AIDS….. apparently fisting and rimming are medium risk and any kind of sex is high risk. Kissing is no risk and so are toys (I guess they assume no one shares). And we learnt a new word/act! Dipping… we initially thought this was the same as tea-bagging, but it is actually another word for playing “just the tip”. See… it was also educational!

I also got whipped, played wiht a cat 'o 9 tails and tried out a cane on my brother... such fun, though i don't think I'd take it home.

So that was the first Sexpo in SA. And I would SO go to the next one!

Daily Dose of Madness! 17 September 07

Today’s Daily Sun is a goldmine!! Good lord!!! The crazy people are back! WOOOHOOOO!

“ZOMBIE TERROR!”

The Nkabinde family say there life has been turned into hell by a zombie – a young girl who died and then joined the living dead.

Apparently while the ‘journalists’ from the Sun were at the house, notes from the zombie mysteriously appeared. There was also a bottle of Fanta that was full when they put it in the fridge but only half full when they took it out! The zombie admitted to drinking the Fanta in her letters. Scary huh!? A zombie with a conscience?

The zombie also puts bones in their (the Nkabinde family) beds and threw vegetables at them. They need help…. And i don;t mean from the zombie!


“ATTACKED BY SEXY GIRLS!”

This man provoked a group of 13-14 year old girls by calling them little prostitutes. To punish him, the girls dragged him by the pants into a house, threw him on a bed and threatened him with a knife… and used him for sex!

According to the Daily Sun, “One by one they climbed onto his naked body, rubbing their thighs on his sex organs! But the sex attackers did NOT take off their panties!”

After the girls released him, he reported that he had been raped. The next day they were caught and whipped by people in the community.

Right.... a man was raped by a bunch of girls with panties on and also couldn't fight them off? Couldn't or wouldn't is the question....

Ahhh.... and the world seems crazy and right again!

Eeewwww!!!!

This is just a quick one.

I ahve recently noticed how many people don't use tissues to blow their noses!! it is REVOLTING!! Whether it is just on the street, in the shower or on the sports field. It's totally gross man!

It isn't that hard to use a tissue! Or is it only 'classy' and well raised people who use them? It's common courtesy! And they keep your hands clean....

6 years on....

It occurred to me yesterday, on the famous 9/11, that I have been single for almost 6 years now. This time 6 years ago, I had a fantastic boyfriend and was very happy. I remember smsing by boyfriend, who was in a diving course, to tell him about the World Trade Centre while I was watching the second plane hit.

6 years….

There have been ‘boyfriends’ in between but I don’t think they would fit the proper classification. Usually, they were of a more casual nature, assholes or just not into the whole thing, and the same could be said for me.

So I was thinking about whether this would continue for another 6 years. Will I be in the same position when the 10 year anniversary comes around? What if I am? What then? I will be in my 30’s and surely should at least have a serious relationship behind me. Isn’t that the way these things work?

Though perhaps if I am single, I can catch the second round of guys - those who have had long relationships or been married and divorced? Of course there is always the danger of baggage…. kids, bitchy ex wives, and possible irreparable damage caused by all these bad relationships. And I don’t particularly like damaged goods! But don’t get me wrong, everyone is damaged in some way, it all depends on the degree.

So, I think I may have to resign myself and buckle down for another 6 single years…. Though you never know, with all the natural disasters and freaks of nature and global warming going on these days, me settling down may be included?

PINK!!!

I went to the Pink concert at the Dome on Sunday night, with my brother. It was AWESOME!! It definitely made my top 5 as far as concerts go.

We decided we had to go Golden Circle…. Who wants to mix with the riff raff of society? It turns out that Golden Circle isn’t as special as it used to be, considering almost anyone can get a credit card these days! But we had fun nonetheless.

One thing we did notice is that there were lesbians EVERYWHERE!! And I’m not talking about ‘lesbians’ you see in the ‘media’. I’m talking big, scary dykes and their bitches. Like my brother said, it looked like a Lesbainian Convention! So many brush cuts! There were also lots of sweet little gay boys running around… Not something you see that often in Joburg, unless you’re at Gay Pride or a QC party.

(And i am not alone in this.... most people i know who were at the concert commented on this) and (NO... i am not homophobic, just making an observation)

But back to Pink. She is gorgeous (I can see what the lesbians like), she has a fantastic presence and she is quite funny! She is entertaining and she sounds the same as she does on her CD’s, which is unusual these days!

So all in all, it was an awesome night and worth every cent!

Boobs cross the sexual preference divide...

This last weekend, I went to my brother's birthday COCKtail party.

True to form, there were about 20 gay men (at least 13 of whom were GORGEOUS - such a shame!!) and 10 straight women. The one thing we all had in common.... an appreciation (though not necessarily aesthetic) of the DICK.

It was inevitable that conversation throughout the house would be about men, their bodies, action concerning them, assholes that were dated and men who were good at what they did. It seems to me that gay men talk about men the same way straight men talk about women. It's all quite shallow.

But this leads me to the fact that I think gay men miss boobs. There may be something Freudian in that, but they really do! Whenever i go to a 'gay' party, i am almost always guaranteed to be felt up. And no, I'm not complaining!

The last party i was at, i got more than my boobs felt! In all fairness though, my jeans zip had broken and i had (naughtily) decided to go commando that night too. I ended up with a gay/bisexual guys had down my pants just to make sure.

At this party, my Wonderbra was examined closely, my boobs squeezed a bit and then my bra was sneakily undone. Now, i would never let a straight guy go this far, but what's the harm in letting a gay guy get a bit of a fix? At least they actually have the guts to try and not make it seem sleazy!

So from now on, i'm going to stick with cheap thrills from gay men, there is so much less admin and it really is a bit of a desert out there at the moment!

And it's kind of like doing charity work :-)

Time has flown!

WOW! I can't believe that the last time i posted was 5 July! Good lord! I can honestly say it doesn't feel like over a month has gone by!

So... what's been happening? I have been in hibernation for most of the time (that excludes the time i spend working my ass off!). I currently consider my self lucky if i leave the office before the sun goes down. I seem to have become like my father when he worked at a big corporate, though i only have a cat to upset, and it's easy to get back in their good books.... you just feed them and scratch their ears. Hhhmm... almost like a man... easy to satisfy :-)

During the last month i did go away for a long weekend. My brother and i went off to Crystal Springs Mountain Resort, near Pilgrims Rest for a few nights. We did the touristy sightseeing during the day and then sat by the fire and drank loads of wine at night. It was fantastically relaxing! We even partook in some unnecessarily illegal herbs. Just what we needed!

My love life is nowhere at the moment, but that's fine because i hate shaving in winter. I'll get back into the whole game in September. Mr ATNA went and blabbed some information to people who didn't need to know, so he is no longer in the good books. And he has some annoying habits.... so he's turfed. Sorry for you!!

One of my best friends is getting married in a month and i am, naturally, a bridesmaid. So there is a bit of work involved there, but it's all fun and i have the experience.

Facebook has been blocked at work, and it TOTALLY sucks!! I mean, what the hell??? I need to socialise and keep up with the world in general, but no one at work believes me when I say it is an essential marketing tool.... sigh....

And that's about it. I will hopefully write soon again. I keep getting great thoughts and ideas, but time just runs away from me and i end up without any free minutes to get anything down.

I have a new addiction....

I have discovered the Series. That is the series on my laptop that can be watched at any time (this includes lunch time) and that has no adverts. I am addicted! I get home, watch a series while my food is cooking, before a series on TV that I don’t have starts. I have finished Greys Anatomy 3 and it is awesome! I watch How I met Your Mother when I have less than an hour to spare. I am almost done with Lost and looking forward to Heroes.

I must say that I still watch some TV and may even enjoy the odd advert. Though most of the time I marvel at how the marketing department or advertising agency actually let the advert get into the public domain and especially onto national TV. It’s not the cheapest advertising medium, so why waste your budget on crappy ads?!

Bad adverts are a big reason why I won’t use certain products. I refuse to shop at Morkels (are they even still open??) and won’t use Colgate toothpaste with Propolis (damn beaver!)

Being in marketing, I just don’t get it! We don’t have the hugest budget, compared to some of the bigger corporates so maybe that is why we don’t mess around with frivolous advertising. But still, why waste the money? Why hire these useless advertising agencies? I know form specialising in advertising in my degree that being super creative and clever (yet simple) is very hard. So why not leave it to those who can do it? Why must we suffer?

I think in future adverts should have hot half naked men, baby animals or extremely clever lines. No more cartoons like the Vodacom meerkat and Pick ’n Pay airtime ads!

If not, I will continue to save series from Philly and watch TV on my laptop. Seems I’ll be spending more than 10 hours a day with my pc.

Not much to say...

Well, it's been a while since I posted.... i guess i don't have too much to say at the moment.

So life has been going on as normal.

It has been cold and then not so cold and then cold again.
The guy in my office let a HUGE one go earlier.
Mr ATNA is back on the scene again.
I am still disillusioned by men in general and whole dating scene.
My oldest (and by that i mean the longest known) friend is pregnant and it is very exciting news. Though it is also a bit sad, because I suspect that I am not one of the first people told (as it would've been in the old days) and I will probably have no involvement aside from receiving photo updates via email. But alas... this is what happens. I am nevertheless very happy for her and her husband and think they will be awesome parents!

And that is all i have to say for the time being. Quite boring, i know....

I am going to be on my way now, going home to snuggle with my cat and get warm... screw gym!

Laduma!!!

Last night I went with some work colleagues to the exhibition match between Sundowns and Barcelona at Loftus. It was super fun!

We left our offices in Sandton just after 6 to drive to Pretoria. Almost 2 hours later, we arrived, in a very eventful manner! We hired 2 of the new style taxis. This means that you get to drive like a taxi. We flew down the emergency lane most of the way to Pretoria. I can tell you, people were not happy! But what are they going to do?

We were supposed to meet someone at the One Stop above the highway in Midrand, who had been on the highway about 30 minutes before us. He was still stuck there when we arrived…. Seems we passed him? So after a quick ‘comfort break’ we sped off again.

During the stop we picked up a CD. It was the Zimbabwean version of “Go Shortie, it’s your birthday. We’re gonna party like it’s your birthday…” Think gospel choir with an African accent, singing 50 Cent. We listened to it all the way through Pretoria central. I can’t describe the looks we got from outsiders.

We parked in a garden somewhere after a very tight squeeze between a car and a wall and then a car and a tree and much squealing from the girls in the taxi. We arrived at the game about 10 minutes before kick off, in our yellow and green hard hats. Good for spotting people in a crowd! After much pushing and attempted pick-pocketing, we got into the stadium. It was packed! The seats were all unreserved. It isn’t easy finding seats for 30 people! So we stood at the fence.

Sundowns scored in the first 2 minutes and that set the vibe for the night. There were vuvuzelas everywhere. It is very impressive what some people can do with them! The supporters all have some kind of vuvuzela ‘song’ going, that sounds awesome when 20 000 people get started. It sure sounds better than plain old clapping!

Barcelona scored towards the end of the second half. Ronaldinho did some fancy footwork for the crowd and they went crazy when he was substituted.

At the beginning of the second half, the security guards came out. We had the pleasure of 3 women standing in front of us. They looked very down and out and worse for wear. Like life had been terribly hard on them and they had been drinking in the sun for the last 15 years. The one in front of us was freaky! She kept staring at us girls with a scary look in her eye… thank god for the fence!

After the game, we went back to the taxi and found we were parked in by 2 taxis and a couple cars. We opened some beers put on “Shortie” and got ready to wait. After about 20 minutes, they moved and we were off back to Joburg. The traffic was quite bad, they do road works on the highway at night. After a bit more yellow line driving we eventually got back home.

All in all, a good night. Though I still prefer rugby… it’s more physical and they wear tighter shorts.

Damn traffic fines...

I am busy at the moment, writing a letter to the JHB Metro Police to contest a fine they gave me. I’m not saying it wasn’t me or that I wasn’t speeding, I’m saying they got the address wrong. I was not speeding where they said I was, so I'm not paying for it! It is quite a delicate process, this letter writing…. I don’t want to get cheeky or sound too intelligent or ‘legal’ but still want to get my point across which is “If you want my money, get it right or kiss my ass!”

I have also come across an article about the changes that are going to be made to the traffic fine system. I have noticed the giant roadblocks that have been set up lately, that close off 3 of 4 lanes on main roads in Sandton, creating pure mayhem. Apparently, they can pull you over, you can pay fines there (or be arrested), they can issue warrants of arrest and check all your details. They even have plate recognition machines!

Luckily I have a new car, so they won’t recognise the number plate. If I could just get a new ID number, I’d be home free!

I have noticed lately that there are a lot more cops on the roads. There is someone sitting permanently (well, I’m not sure about nights) on Sandton Drive. They have an area cleared out, a stool and a plastic bag there. But what I don’t understand is that they sit there trying to trap in morning peak hour traffic. This is the traffic that traditionally doesn’t move much and you sit bumper to bumper? How do you speed, especially over 70kms an hour? I suppose you could wait for all the traffic to move forward and leave an open stretch and then floor it, but you probably still wouldn’t be worthy of a fine. But if it makes the cops feel better just being there, then so be it.

They are also installing a lot more permanent cameras, at traffic lights. Gone are the days (early mornings) of light-jumping. I do find these cameras very entertaining though. I find it immensely amusing to see someone go speeding through and the camera flashing. It’s especially funny if the camera has been there forever and most people know about it, like the one on Sandton Drive or the one at Brightwater Commons.

From now on I am going to drive at a reasonable speed and try my best not to get any fines in the next few months. It’s just too difficult to talk my way out of them….

Blind faith?

This story of the Virgin Mary has grown! As has my consternation and disbelief.

The story was on Carte Blanche on Sunday. And seeing some of it made me even more sceptical. Seeing the people involved didn’t help either!

Word around the water cooler (from people who grew up in Benoni) is that the family is a bit dodgy and they have quite a reputation in the area, though this seems to be a common thing where some Lebanese families are concerned.

So I ask you, is this a ploy to make the family look better? Did you see what her brother-in-law looked like? Looked like a bit of a ‘breker’, someone you would never mess with, unless you were completely drunk and suffering from “short man syndrome.”

A psychologist on Carte Blanche said the following: “There could be a degree of histrionic acting out on this. But given the bits of information at hand, I would believe that it's a fair reality for her. Unless there is such an attention-seeking behaviour as to feed into a certain religious need that gets expressed by the family.” So she’s a bit crazy and delusional? Why has she not been put under some sort of observation or had some sort of treatment, just in case?

I personally think this is a result of the fact that her clearly better looking sister won the Miss Lebanon SA pageant and went to Lebanon to compete and came in the top 3 in that competition. People keep going on about how pretty her older sister is and how wonderful she is. Must really suck living in her shadow.

And now she is making people blind because they are staring into the sun to see the virgin…I wonder if she can heal the blindness she’s causing? Seems she isn’t even taking responsibility for it….

According to IOL, “Amal Nassif believed 17-year-old Francesca Zackey when she said the Virgin Mary would appear if Nassif gazed into the sun.Now 37-year-old Nassif, a devout Catholic, may be blind for life.

Now she says at least four other people also damaged their eyes after being told "the lady" would spin the sun and confirm her presence to her believers.

However, Zackey says Nassif's problem is not her fault and that she is praying for the woman. “

Is this what they call blind faith? Is it worth it?

I think I'm dying!

I've been booked off from work for the rest of the week! I have flu and bronchitis. I've got 4 different medicines and had a Voltaren injection in my bum. It wasn't as sore as i remember!

So i'm spending the next day in bed or watching movies on the couch.

Perhaps I should pay a visit to the girl who saw the Virgin Mary in her room at her parent’s house in Benoni.

As you know, I am not religious. So this story doesn’t really ring true for me. First off, she’s a teenager…. Who believes a teenager? Secondly, she is now not letting the press in anymore. Why not take advantage of the free publicity (for the sake of Catholic Church, who are in desperate need of supporters), even if it is intrusive. I mean, The Pope gets involved in this sort of thing and all sorts of other, literally, holier than thou people. Why not use it to push the catholic cause?

I want to know why she was the one who was ‘chosen’. If I were the Virgin Mary (yes, this is purely hypothetical) I would appear to someone who was on the border of non-believer. Of course I would be doing this to prove a point and say “Huh! Told you so!!” Wouldn’t that achieve more than appearing to the already converted? I suppose that would be why I’m not a deity or whatever (and I’m also not dead).

I was listening to the interview with her on 5FM and it just didn’t sound right or believable. Her stories are not in line iwht each tiher. She said that the Virgin told her to see people for 10 days (the 7-17 May, though she told the papers it was for 7 days…hmmmm….) but yet her story has only gone public now more than a month later. And her house is still open to strangers aka believers. She aslo said that the virgin appeared in May in one newspaper and in June in another paper. So, which is it? Why so shy all of a sudden?

Also has she been home all this time, missing school? What kind of deity would think it’s ok for someone to miss out on their education, especially during exam time? Unless the Virgin Mary is a civil servant?

But what I can say is she is a homophobe and doesn’t believe in equality! “She cried about abortions and gay marriages and told me this was not from God” WTF?! And after she said “I love all my children”? Huh? She needs to get her story straight! What’s next? Every woman deserves a good beating?

Either way, I am not converted but maybe after another bottle of cough mixture, I may feel different? Bottoms up!

Wooohooo!!

I have discovered a fantastic way to spend lunch at the office. Watching Sex and the City. I feel very relaxed and ready to finish off the day. All you need is a bit of distraction….

I am also in a much better mood than I have been in recent times. I am (theoretically) getting my new car today and I am being kept comfortably busy at work, so time is flying. And I have some Bob Marley going on…. All I need is a big fruity cocktail!

I think a big contributing factor is the fact that my brother and I are going to the Durban July! YIPPPPEEEE!!!! It is going to be so much fun! But what to wear…?? I’m not sure if this fits into my new budget, but if I win money on the horses…. We are also going to be staying right across the road from the racetrack, so that’ll be fun and easy! It’s really just a matter of finding a way to get there. Flights are a bit expensive at the moment and it’s a long drive for a weekend. But in all fairness we do have a lot of fun on these road trips.

Wooohoooo! It’s gonna be a fun weekend!

A call to all men...

GROW SOME BALLS!!

I am sick of men with no balls! This generally includes all men (except my dad, I'm a daddy's girl!) they can’t say what they really think and for some reason think that us girls can’t handle the truth. WRONG!

Seriously, why do you think the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” is a bestseller?! It’s because men are pussies! I would like to offer some advice… Just say it like it is! Sure, it’ll bruise her ego a bit in the beginning but it’s better than stringing her along and letting her down even more at a later stage. The quicker it’s done the less damage you cause. It’s really not quantum physics!

If confronted by a girl (and your balls have disappeared) and give an ‘explanation’ such as “I’m not ready/ Give me a month/ Let’s take it slow” etc, you may be worth considering (from her point of view), should there be absolutely nothing on the horizon but I am now of the opinion that these guys aren’t.

I am especially of this opinion when a guy gives such an explanation and then acts in an entirely opposite manner with some tarty looking ho. This is when I say “KISS MY ASS!”. Guys like that are just not worth the hassle or the time. If they can insult you like that, who knows what they would be capable of down the line? I wouldn’t want to stick around to find out!

So, the moral of the story is they as a guy you should be upfront and say it like it is, as soon as you get the chance. This will actually get you some more respect in the long run.

And on a final note, I am throwing in the towel. I am done. I have been playing this “game” for 15 years now. I am tired.

But don’t get me wrong! Should someone fantastic come along, I may re-evaluate. I just can’t keep dealing with the guys I mentioned above! It’ll take a lot more to get me interested.

So this is a relatively disillusioned girl saying I am done with the dating game and I need to find a new hobby.

P.S. PLEASE no soppy, “inspirational” or heart warming comments. I don’t need them and may lose my lunch! Thanks!

Still AAARRGGHHH!!!

I am still incredibly irate! And that irritates me! I don't like feeling like I am on the edge of totally losing it and taking it out on someone i shouldn't.

But here's the thing.... i only feel like this at work. Imagine!!?? I think i am alone in this :-) This week, when i walk into the office, i endeavour to make sure i am in a good mood. But within 5 minutes of opening my email, i am irritated again. And it just escalates during the day.

It seems this is a cyclical thing. You can go for ages enjoying work and not letting anyone get to you, but then all of a sudden... BANG... you want to make blood flow through the passages and run around screaming and holding someones head up high! Or just give someone a poes klap!

So i am now taking a much deserved mental health break. I am also going to spend the day with my earphones in, listening to soothing music like Guns 'n Roses with a spot of Jamiroquai thrown in.

This better be over by Monday, i don't think i can take another week of this! People must sort out their attitudes and stop bothering me with arb crap!

Here's to another late night at work and 1 more day until the weekend! WOOOHOOO!!!

AARRGGHHH!!!

I am irritated. I am grumpy and people are pissing me off in general. Work is not the place to be when I am in a mood like this.

At work, there is little control over how others behave or what they do. There is also not really anywhere to go to remove yourself from an annoying situation. To top it off, I have a 2 hour committee meeting! And they are never fun, since I am the minute taker and therefore have to concentrate for the full 2 hours (my attention span is questionable). Though we do get sandwiches…

I have decided to use this post as a bit of a vent about things that irritate me….

The first one is WINTER. I am all dried up and flaky, the sun is only up at 7 and down at 5 and I can’t get out of bed in the mornings. This leads to being stuck in traffic. People are rude. They don’t let others in…. I try let at least 3 people into traffic every day (building up good karma) and taxis don’t count. If everyone was a little more courteous traffic would be so much easier and bearable!

Secondly, people who give you a job to do, where you have to use your own discretion and make decisions and then second guess it and eventually mess it up and tell you what they actually wanted and you were supposed to know this via osmosis. I just want to do something different and shake things up a bit so we aren’t stuck with the old, boring and mundane same old, same old!

Thirdly, people who are rude and people who never have anything good to say and who are unnecessarily critical. If you are rude to people in the service industry, they aren’t going to help you out, they are going to be even slower and give you more attitude. (I know, I worked in the industry for years as a student). My granny always said “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. I try and abide by this, though it is hard. And there are people who REALLY should! They spout negativity about anything they can think of, like a black cloud. It brings me down and grates me. There comes a time where you have think to yourself “Wow, I am being SO critical and negative, perhaps I should shut the hell up for a while?” I know I have! Eventually people are just going to avoid or ignore you… and then what?

That is my vent. I will endeavour to snap out of this mood or at least fake smile my way through the day. I am having dinner with a friend I haven’t seen in an age so there is something to look forward to.

And thatS I all I have to say about that….

Fun Day!

On Saturday, I helped my dad out for another Rotary event. It was a Fun Day for handicapped people, at Forest Farm. It is a highlight on the Sandton Rotary calendar.

A lot of people have asked me how I can do it, because it is so heartbreaking. I must admit that for the first 10 minutes, it is. It is a bit disconcerting seeing people who are physically adults but mentally children. Under normal circumstances and with ‘normal’ people, they may seem threatening and too touchy, but taking all the circumstances into account, they are just friendly people who like to meet anyone new.

Their happiness and enjoyment of the games rubs off on you. The heartbreak is over and you just enjoy yourself. It is an amazing experience. They are a community and everyone looks out for everyone else. They have their cliques and girlfriends and boyfriends, just like any social group. All it takes is a couple minutes to listen to someone to realise they are really quite normal and understand what’s going on.

My dad got roped into pushing a huge guy around in a wheelchair for the day… he was easily the size of Victor Matfield. It was extremely entertaining! He even did a potato race and the egg and spoon race (my dad pushing the chair up a hill and the guy (Walter) sitting with the potatoes and egg in his lap. Good training for Everest!

But the highlight of the day was the Harleys. They come every year and are a hot favourite! People who have difficulty walking will run to greet them. They take people on the back of their bikes around a field. This is where you will find the biggest smiles! And of course, boys with their arms in the air showing how brave they are. Typical! I took a couple kids (naturally) to wait for their turns and reassure them that it would be safe. You should’ve seen their faces!

I would have to say that this is one of the most satisfying, feel-good things I have done in a while. The 5 minutes of heartbreak are forgotten and replaced with that warm fuzzy feeling (I still feel it!) It’s also a highlight on my calendar and I’m looking forward to the next one.

...Sigh....

Thank god it's Friday! It's been a quietish week for me and i haven't had nearly as much as sleep as i would like. And for no good reason either....

It has been a week of teeth. Not mine, those around me. Philly had a wisdom tooth taken out this morning (sans general anaesthetic!!) and Mumsy also had a tooth removed after much drama and tears. They are (i hope!!) both in la-la land, thanks to the wonders on Myprodol.

Wish i was there now.... i HATE being on the brink of boredness!

I have the blog address!!

Wiht regards to my previous post, Shugapaige sent me the address of the scandalous blog!! And of course I have been on to it! WOW!! SCANDALOUS BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS!!

I mean look at the people who are on this!! James Small!? (No wonder he used to fight so much... feeling a bit insecure?), Barry Ronge and Nataniel (Duh!?), a guy who is now an Independent Democrat (no wonder Patricia de Lille wants to censor blogs!), Andre Schwartz (Phantom of the Opera... i wonder if he used to wear his mask?), Leon van Nierop (writer and movie critic - yes, another one) and Chris van Niekerk, who plays Francois on 7de Laan.

So needless to say, I began the day wiht big eyes and shocked gasps! It definitely woke me up!

http://samaleprostitute.wordpress.com/

Does anyone have an address for this scandalous blog??

I came across a very interesting and totally scandalous article in the Sunday Times yesterday. The headline is "Male hooker names top ‘clients’". It was about a South African ex male prostitute who has had many famous male clients. He is now naming and shaming them on his blog.

"Rent boy provokes howls from prominent men by describing their alleged kinks on the web

SEVERAL prominent South African men have reacted with shock and outrage after being named as “clients” by a male prostitute in his sexually explicit Internet diary.

The former sex worker promises, in his online blog written in Afrikaans, to name 50 famous South Africans who paid him for sex.

So far he has named 11. They include a politician, former Springbok rugby player, singer, actor, television presenter, journalist and a prominent Afrikaans church dominee."

And of course they don't give the name of the blog!

So now i am dying to know who this is and where I can find it!!

So, if anyone knows, let me know! I need some skandaal!!!

The end of a mini series... thank god!

This is the final story in my little mini series. I leave it until last because it is the most recent and it is also immortalised in Sex and the City - Season 6, so i am not alone!

I met this guy through a friend about a year before anything happened. He was definitely my type and those who know me, know what that is. So anyway, we bumped into each other at a club, had a few shooters and again, one thing led to another. (Must stop drinking shooters with guys)

So we were getting it on and things were going as usual. All of a sudden, he picks up the pace to ridiculous speeds and to quote SATC, went at it like a Jackrabbit! powpowpowpowpow....

As is to be expected, i hit my head a couple times on the wall behind me, and thought i was going to be sick. You know when people ask "Do you smoke after sex?" I had to check because i was sure that with all that quick friction, something was going to catch alight!

Not even telling him to slow down and relax worked. He would for a little bit and then just resume "jackrabbiting"!!

After a while it was thankfully over! But i then realised to my horror that we had driven in my car as he didn't have his with him that night. So, not only did i have terrible, back breaking sex, i was also stuck with the guy for the remainder of the night and had to be civil to him the next day. Not fun!

And now my question is this.... Who are the girls that tell these guys "This feels good and this is how girls like it!!"?? WTF?? That is SO wrong!! All these men thinking they are total sex machines when in actual fact they don;t even have the moves of an epileptic grasshopper!

I prefer not to say anything (only if i have to lie) when a guy asks whether it was good and if i enjoyed myself. That's when you smile and say "It was different to anything I've had" NEVER encourage them!

And another thing, how do girls stay in relationships with these bedroomly challenged men?These boys should be kicked out on their asses and told to read a book!

So a word of advice... If the sex is bad, call him on it and sort that shit out! It's just not fair that us girls have to put up with REALLY bad sex, even if it isn't that often and they do make good stories.

It could be worse!

This is today's 'bad' sex story... I need a break from all the horrible shags.... The stories are giving me a twitchy eyelid :-)

Berlin - A German couple had to call out the fire brigade after tying each other up in chains - and then losing the key to the padlock.

Jochen Ranstett, 56 and his wife Maria, from the town of Weiden, dressed up in leathers and chained each other to their beds, but lost the key during the romp.

After hours of trying to free themselves they finally gave up and called for help on Jochen's mobile phone.

He said: "It was so embarrassing. We just wanted to try something a bit different and we ended up with this."I even had to be taken to hospital because my wrists had swollen so much from trying to get out of the handcuffs." - ananova.com

The bad sex continues….

This second guy is ‘affectionately’ referred to as “the Wanker”.

I met him at a friend's birthday. After many drinks and scintillating conversation, we decided to go back to my place. (Yes, a bit of a slutty move, but after all the shooters, it seemed like a good idea)

So, things progressed as they do. The next morning I woke up (still a bit drunk) with some weird movement going on next to me. After a minute or so it dawned on me that this person having a bit of a wank, in my bed, with me next to him, trying to sleep!! My first reaction was “If you mess on my duvet cover, I’ll kill you!”. He then says to me that if I kiss him it’ll go quicker! Can you imagine!!??

Needless to say, I kicked him out very quickly and sent him home.

Bad sex is… well… bad!

I have decided to do a bit of a mini series about some of my terrible and extremely funny bad sex experiences. The stories are a hit with my girlfriends, so I thought I would share a few of the better (or worse) stories. This is the first….

Let’s start with “5 second Bob*” (*names have been changed)…. We have known each other since we were kids. We never really got along but were mildly civil when we did see each other. Then we hit the teenage years. We tried to make something work, but alas it didn’t. A few years later, when we were in our early 20’s, things got heated again at a bar after a few drinks (as is prone to happen!).

So we decided to go off to a more secluded spot and get it on. So we assumed the position and got things going. After literally 5 seconds, I got an apology in my ear for being done and therefore unable to continue (I would give more detail but my parents don’t need to know them!). What a let down! After all the years of to-ing and fro-ing it ended just like that! So of course I gave him the pleasure of my first reaction (I am not one to use too much tact), “Just take me home!” and that was that. I got out the car, gave him the raised eyebrow and never looked back.

We have remained friends (or something close) since then. A few years ago, we went out for a drink and an opportunity to see where things stood, both of us being a bit older and more mature. But after a terrible kiss, and I actually mean after having my face licked (apparently that was a kiss??) I decided to cut my losses, make up a lame excuse and get myself the hell out of there (and call a friend to laugh about it)! You see, I am a firm believer that the way someone kisses gives you some insight into how it will be when it comes to the crunch. I was NOT going to risk another bad shag!

As they say, no sex is better than bad sex!


Update

First off, the guy I testified against a couple weeks back was found guilty and is spending another month in jail. He was also found guilty of a second offence (not sure what) and got a suspended sentence for that. Woooohoooo!!

I am getting back into the swing of socialising again, after feeling blegh and unsociable for some time. Though I would still like to spend weekends under the blanket watching DVD’s, but that’s mostly because of the cold.

People are insane!

I know this post is a bit late, but things have been HECTIC! Finally, some down time... and almost time for a quick drink in the pub!

Yesterday morning, I had to be at work just after 6am. Being almost winter, this is a time when the sun is not up yet and it is still rather chilly. I drove to work with 2 jackets and a scarf on, with a cup of coffee. I was also wearing my night driving glasses! Can you imagine?!

Waiting to cross William Nicol into Sandton Drive, I saw a very bizarre sight, made more bizarre by the fact that I am NOT a morning person and was still trying to wake up properly. Down Sandton Drive came a swarm of small flashing white lights....

Turns out it was some sort of cycling club taking a bit of a morning bike ride. There were about 30 of them all turning into William Nicol with flashing lights on their heads. Weird man!! They were like a swarm of fireflies on bikes.

What would possess someone to get on a bike at that ridiculous hour and go cycling around Joburg? I could almost understand doing it in summer, but not before sunrise in winter! WTF?? I have promised to ride the 94.7 this year (I'm taking bets about whether i actually will do it and actually finish it) and i can tell you that you would never catch me on a bike that early, in the dark, going for a casual training ride around the city!

Absolute madness i tell you!!

Daily dose of madness -17 May 07

"DON'T POKE DOGS!"

Yes, they mean it THAT way! "This must stop... people should have sex with people and dogs should have sex with dogs, said a magistrate!"

Apparently men are now having sex with dogs, and I mean actual dogs. Seems goats are no longer as attractive as they used to be.

The magistrate says, "I'm not impressed by the increasing number of people who are bonking animals". (Yes, she did use the word "bonking)" It is too much to have two bestiality cases in the same court. "There are many women who need men, but you choose to sleep with a dog!" This apparently carries the sentence of 6 months imprisonment or a R3 000 fine.

WTF?? What ever happened to taking matters into your own hands (so to speak) or finding a real human girlfriend? They really can't be all that hard to find! Or even to find yourself a prostitute? That's what they're there for! I'm sure you could negotiate a good rate!?

Picture of the Tokoloshe!

A picture has finally been taken of the Tokoloshe!!! This is (apparently) very exciting! I must admit that it is very scary looking (more so in colour) and i would totally shit myself if i came across one camped out in my cupboard (though it would probably be hard to see at first). It reminds me a bit of a crusty E.T.

Here it is....

What a weekend....

It's Monday AGAIN! We should do away with them!

This weekend was a lot more relaxed than previous weekends! No puza face, which is always good!

On Friday i found out that my counterpart in Cape Town (who was up in Jozi) had tickets to the semi finals at Loftus! So Saturday morning we drove of to Loftus to pick up the tickets. There were already Bulls supporters set up, with braais and beers at 10am. It was then back to Jozi for the German School Bierfest.

Just before I was leaving for the Bierfest, Honey (my cat) caught a mouse. I tried to rescue it. When i picked it up, it bit me! I eventually lost it, after much fighting wiht my cat to let it go, somewhere in the kitchen... so who knows where it is now because a body has not been presented to me by Honey.

I fear i may be outgrowing it... very sad. It wasn't particularly exciting or full. At 3, i sped off (within the legal speed limit of course :-)) again to Pretoria. Luckily we got parking on a pavement a block from the stadium!

Once inside the stadium and outer stadium, it looked like a Smurf convention! There was blue everywhere! And unlucky for me, without thinking it through, i had a blue shirt and tracksuit top. But not in Bulls/Smurf blue.

After watching the Sharks game, it was into the grounds.... and guess what!? it was even more blue. I also felt like i was in a foreign country because of all the fast-spoken Afrikaans flying around.

So we stood around near our seats, so we could limit the amount of time wedged into a capacity crowd. And did we see some strange things! Apparently they only have bad hairdressers in Pretoria. Popular hairstyles for women include the "Mushroom head" and the bad krissy perm. For men, it's bleached well coiffed hair, with dark moustaches, and of course the ever popular mullet, in varying styles. Scary!

We had good seats! We were on the try line, 2 rows from the front. The Bulls warmed up right in front of us and Daniel Carter was also very close (mmmm... Daniel Carter...)

And then.... Steve Hofmeyer came onto the field!!! What a porn star! good lord! His hair is more styled and blow dried than mine (and i was at the hairdresser on Friday)! He sang that F*CKING song "Liefling". I had never heard the song before... and i NEVER want to hear it again! They play it every time the Bulls score and lucky for me they scored... that's 9 penalties!!! AAaRRRGHHHH!!! And they also play his "Ek is a Bull" song whenever there is a chance to breathe....











But Steve and the 'songs' aside, it was great! the atmosphere is unbelievable, seems they always support the Bulls, unlike other team supporters.

Now we have to decide... Sharks or Bulls? Bobby and Percy or Victor and Bakkies???

Harley Day!

On Sunday, Rotary Sandton hosted a KIDS day, wiht Harley Davidson at Montecasino. The purpose was to raise 'funds' for childrens homes. The bikers and any other bystanders were askd to buy blankets that would be sent to these homes.

So i arrived at Montecasino (after a jumpstart from Phillygirl, yes, 2 girls jumpstarted a car!) and waited... At about 10:30, they started arriving. It was spectacular sight and sound to behold! Over 500 Harleys pulling into the area, one after the other, all shiny and loud.

I must say the bikers are nothing to look at but the bikes are another story!! See the pics...

All in all, it was a very successful day, Rotary sold a couple thousand blankets and all the bikers got to show off their bikes and have breakfast at Monte.

Update on an update

Mr ATNA can go STICK IT!! Seriously, once is just not right! That's is commonly called teasing... and they say girls are teasers! I think not! I say NO!

So I will now endeavour to not be taken in by these types again! I'll let you know how this works out....

It’s the law…

I spent yesterday at the Randburg Magistrates court. I wasn’t the one in trouble (though most people assume I was), I was there to testify against a guy who stole my handbag 2 months ago at Sandton Square.

So arrive ready for a day in court, with my book (no sense in being bored!). Everyone sits outside on the very uncomfortable wooden benches, looking at everyone else, with suspicion, trying to figure out why they are there.

At 9:00 we all go into the courtroom and the first case is 2 guys, of about 18, up for Assault (probably a bar fight, over a girl), the case is dropped. The second case is dropped. The next few cases, the accused all plead guilty. There was a guy there for fraud (the changed the price tag on a shirt); 2 ladies for shoplifting (1 for R6 500 worth of luxury goods, another for R60 worth of food); a man in for possession of dagga (114 matchboxes, and guess what… he’s self employed – this had the attorneys and magistrate giggling) and a guy who trespassed. And then there was the case I was there for….

The accused refused to plead guilty, even though he didn’t have much of a case going for himself. There were huge discrepancies between his statement and ours that they were laughable. So we got comfortable (well as much as you can when your ass is going uncomfortably numb) and prepared for battle.

I was called in to the witness stand that had a hole in the middle of the floor. I was sworn in “So help me God”. I assume this is not to be taken literally… what if you’re Muslim or a non-believer? Does that mean you’re free to say whatever you want, with no religious consequence or hell fire? Anyway, I gave my testimony and I think I did well. The Legal Aid lawyer was quite good, but so am I! J the only hiccup was I tried to leave the stand twice, when I wasn’t supposed to… oops!

The Security guard who arrested the accused gave his testimony. He was also quite good, and I think together we did very well! Then the accused took the stand. He lied and changed his story so many times that the court translator told him to stop lying and get it together. I sitting in ‘Sun City’ for 2 months gives you time to come up with some interesting stories. This guy then decided he could prove he was actually looking for a job and not stealing my bag, by going to find his friends who could be witnesses for him. As if! And that’s when I left…. It really wasn’t going anywhere and the judge was leaning our way.

And that took up 7 hours of my day, though I did get paid R20!!! for my effort!

Jews for Jesus?

First off, WTF?? Am I the only one who finds this to be a very conflicting phrase? Surely you're either you’re Jewish or Christian? How can you be Jewish but believe in the New Testament and the (so-called) saviour/messiah? THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!!!

Let me just say that I am not judging either of the religions and that I believe in neither. I am just trying to get my head around what I see as the one of the hugest contradictions I have come across in a while.

Ok, so they are Jewish people who believe in and worship Jesus. Does this not make them Christians? Would calling yourself a “Jew for Jesus” then be a clever branding tool? Is it your way of not being Jewish but letting people know it’s ok to change your religion (should you be Jewish)? Can people who covert to Judaism then be called “Christians no longer for Jesus”?

From what I understand as well, they get to ‘celebrate’ the Jewish holidays as well! So you kind of get the best of both? Christmas and Hanukkah, Passover and Easter… what a pleasure!

I also had a look at the website (they advertise on bus stops in Sandton) and it really doesn’t answer my questions. But something I found most entertaining (or strange)… naturally they sell stuff, such as books, T-shirts etc. One book caught my eye….

Betrayed! by Stan Telchin
What's the worst thing that can happen to a successful Jewish businessman? Perhaps it's a phone call from his college-age daughter, telling him she now believes in Jesus. A loving father embarks on a quest to reclaim his "lost" daughter, and in the process, finds his Messiah.
"Few testimony books have presented the case for Jesus to the Jewish people as powerfully. This is a must-read." - Moishe Rosen, founder, Jews for Jesus.”

When I read this, it seems that ‘finding the messiah’ is the equivalent to telling your parents that you are actually a man trapped in a woman’s body and will be having gender reassignment surgery, in time to be ready for the big family Christmas lunch. I don’t think they though about all the possibilities….

And can I just add that there are no good looking people on the website. I have also had the pleasure of driving home from gym behind a person who advertises Jews for Jesus (I assume he is a missionary) and it was excruciating! Took me an extra 10 minutes to get home!

I am still confused.

Welcome to Ex Island...

I went to Bikram Yoga last night, for the first time. It was a good way to pass the time whilst getting some good stretching in. I am quite stiff all over today. It’s been a while since that’s happened but it still feels good!

The thing with Bikram yoga is you do yoga in a heated room for 90 minutes. The positions are different to the usual Hatha yoga (no downward facing dog and all that) but they still work. The heat is bearable and you can almost imagine you’re on a beach in Thailand (without the sand and cocktails).

I was sitting outside waiting for the class to start, with Phillygirl, and guess what!? I saw an ex! Now this in itself is not a new thing. They are EVERYWHERE!!

I would generally expect to bump into exes at the gym, beer fest or at a bar, not so much a yoga studio. And certainly not this ex! We had a rather intense relationship, on and off for about 4 years, starting in Std 9. We alternated between being in a relationship and being friends. Eventually we lost contact. He played rugby, drank, smoked and generally got into trouble all the time. Now he does yoga everyday, gave up ALL the bad habits and is probably a vegetarian as well. WTF??

But this all brings me to the question…. Why the hell are my exes everywhere? The simple answer would be “Because there are so many!”. But seriously! WHY!!?? Whenever I go anywhere, I have to scope out the crowd to see if I need to avoid anyone. It gets quite tiring. And my neck is getting sore….

I think they should all be shipped off to an island. Though to be honest, a good portion are already on one (yay the British Isles!). A vast majority of them should be married with kids and staying home or doing couple stuff like hanging out with other couples, at braais and the like. They should NOT be out socialising in my areas and social circles.

So if you’re an ex of mine, off to the island you go!!

Why would you live in the Free State??

I am back in the office after 5 days off work.... It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

The long weekend started with Thursday night out with a couple boys from work and bouncing from bar to bar, meeting incredibly strange people on the way. On Friday morning I woke up with a cold in full swing, hoping I could quietly die! Saturday, I was feeling better when I woke up before sunrise to go to the airport for my flight on a little 32 seater to Margate. It was quite fun and the scenery from a lower altitude is very pretty.

We landed at Margate to be greeted by people lining the runway, taking photo's of the landing plane. Now I thought Margate was a bit on the boring side, but coming out to watch the flight from JHB arrive?? Turns out there was an air show on.

It was a good holiday. I spent time with my brother and 6 of his friends. We perved a lot over the boys at San Lameer. At least I have an age limit and won’t look at anyone younger than 20! I also met up with a friend and his wife who I haven’t seen in a couple years and caught up over a couple vodkas.

We spent an afternoon drinking vodkas, looking at the beach of Southbroom from a deck. Then we drove to the Crocodile Farm for crocodile burgers and waffles. So all in all... a good break.

But the real fun part was the trip home.

During the trip we kept ourselves entertained by looking at the other motorists… WEIRD people! I took pictures of them. For some reason people don’t like getting their photo taken while driving…? I also think a large number of these people are from the Free State, which would explain quite a lot.

On the drive back to JHB, we were talking tp people who had left earlier and were updating us on the state of the roads and toll plaza's, in particular the Wilge Toll Plaza, where they were striking and the queue was 4kms long.

This led to a detour through the Free State... we turned off the N3 somewhere before Villiers and drove towards Frankfort and Oranjeville and eventually Alberton. It was brown and flat… The road was one lane and straight. (See picture below) I was also the designated navigator… mistake number 1!! I am rather lacking where a sense of direction is concerned. It also didn’t help that the roads we needed to take weren’t numbered on the map, so we took some slight detours through the maizelands. Lets call it the scenic route. We even drove past Sasolburg, through a hijack zone! And we listened to Radio 2000 and OFM (used to be Radio Oranje). Desperate times…. We weren't even on the GPS.

We drove around and over the Vaal Dam, following GP registrations (this is a common navigation tool used by Joburgers!)

Eventually I found a map of the Gauteng Heartland, that had the roads and numbers we needed and eventually got us onto the N12 and home.

Updates and random stuff

Ok…. This post will be a sort of update on some previous posts. Regarding the ATNA post, the buy mentioned FINALLY came through and acted out some of the talk. Much to my relief… J But I think that will be that, since there is no more to really be left to the imagination or to be written about. So consider it closed and filed away under “Been there, done that”.

I have also got my car back. I have to admit I did miss her (even if she is possessed). She is looking very red and shiny! When I went to pick her up, I had to do the obligatory walk around, make sure everything looked fine. But considering the state she was in the last time I saw her, almost anything looks better! All I need is 2 headlights intact and a bumper and nothing pushing my engine back and I’m happy! Easy to please, I know. But alas, it was not to be perfect. The left headlight wasn’t sitting right and the bonnet was sitting a bit squiff. So, back she goes on Thursday for a tweak and hopefully that’ll be that. On the way home from the panel beaters, I gave her a bit of a talking to and explained that although we have had a few fun years together, it was time for me to move on (to a car that is hopefully not possessed)

It really was great to be able to drive myself out for dinner! I am totally grateful that my parents are retired and go on holiday almost every weekend. I borrowed my mother’s car on weekends and enjoyed the semblance of independence. But nothing beats driving your own car, and not feeling like a bit of a fraud in a BMW.

The BMW is great, it has a TV, front loader and GPS in case I ever wondered exactly which street I was on and what my altitude and precise map location was. But… it’s an automatic. It really takes the mindless contentment of changing gears, using a clutch and coasting down hills in neutral out of the equation. I did once try the neutral thing, but forgot to put the car in drive to pull off again. That car can rev! It was embarrassing….

So that’s my news! I’m off to the South Coast on Saturday morning at sparrow’s fart, for a long weekend of relaxing and chilling with 7 boys and enjoying some good quality man eye candy spotting – this ALWAYS works well in a group!

I will write again upon my return!

Karma...

I have been thinking about this whole karma thing of late. Is it a full pakage or do different things affect different areas? Are there categories? Relationship karma? General life karma? What's the deal?

I know all about bad relationship karma. I have been trying to get back into the good karma balance for a while now. Of course I do deserve a lot of the bad relationship karma going all the way back to high school. I was never a good girlfriend! And I guess it all came back to bite me in the ass. But I think it’s almost done. I really hope it is!

In the general karma department, I don’t see why I should have bad karma… I do charity work, I try to be nice to people, I pay my taxes and let people into the traffic (when I have a car). So why now, have I had such bad luck driving – only in the last 6 months, when I have had a licence for 11 years? I also got a speeding fine, (my secind in 11 years) on William Nicol, on the way to where I had my accident, the week before. Guns ‘n Roses cancelled and I have been dying to see them live since I was 14. My toilet seat has broken in half (while I was sitting on it – I got quite a fright!). And my cupboards have become infested with weevils and I have had to throw out every single wheat related product.

Now I understand that things could be much worse! I won’t jinx myself and put them in writing.

But is it bad karma or a situation of “When it rains, it pours”? What is to be done to remedy this? Should I do even more charity work? Take in strays (animals not men)? Become a Buddhist or vegetarian? Who knows???

Maybe once I get my car back, things will go back to normal, or when I buy a new one. Perhaps my car is possessed and I should get the Daily Sun to do a story on it… maybe they throw in a free sangoma to exorcise the demons…

Daily dose of madness - 23 April 07

Meet my Daughter – A GOAT!

“This woman has a loving relationship – in fact a mother-and-daughter relationship – with a goat!”

This lady (Dorris) has been raising this goat (named Nosisi) since the day after she was born. The goat watches TV, tries to answer the phone and goes to sleep after 8 pm on it’s own mattress. Dorris even believes the goat is trying to speak! “Nosisi said ‘Maaa’ when she saw me!” “I know people will say this is a cock and bull story, yet white people have relationships with animals and nothing is ever said!” Nosisi eats cornflakes in the morning and an apple, and then drinks milk from a baby bottle. Nosisi also ahs a good relationship with Dorris’ boyfriend…. (that’s just dodgy!!) And she would never eat the goat if it died, it would get a proper funeral.

Saved by my dead Gogo!

A man (who looks like a very stoned Rasta) was driving a ‘huge digging machine’ that fell into a deep hole (but not deep enough for it to actually disappear, it only fell about 3m). He thought he was going to die, but screamed his dead gogo’s name “as he plunged into the depths’ – and he lived!” WOW! Amazing!

These people and stories NEVER cease to amaze me!

How to go about the pickup - for the girls

I’ve touched on what men need to not do, but there is always a flip side! Girls…. We’ve all been guilty of a couple of these little mistakes….

1. Never talk about marriage and kids when attempting to pick up a man! This makes them very nervous! The thought of meeting someone who is already inserting them into wedding pictures and family albums may be too much for a man to handle, they are quite delicate sometimes. They see their futures flashing before their eyes and it includes something close to incarceration.

2. Don’t talk about your ex. It just sounds bad. Either you come across as bitter or not over him. Men don’t like competition, perceived or otherwise.

3. Another thing to try is not scare him away with talk of your “Rabbit” and how you like whips and chains… again, they get very scared and everything shrinks. They are easily intimidated.

4. And here’s a toughy…. Never let on that you’re very intelligent but at the same time don’t dumb it down too much… The way to tell whether it’s working or not is to watch for the tell-tale glazed look (in their eyes). That is the time to drop in a comment such as “What do you think of the Bulls front line? Perhaps they should move (insert front line players name) to (insert different position)? Or “Do you think that Graeme Smith should be moved further down the batting order?” This will get them back…. And you back in the player’s seat.

5. And finally, play hard to get, but not too hard! Some challenge is good, but you don’t want to come off looking like a stuck up bitch. Unless he deserves it or pulls any of the moves mentioned in the previous post. Then he deserves it!

I can’t be 100% sure if these are fool proof, because when we think it’s figured out, they change (only slightly). They get girlier and more sensitive. They may break into sobs for no good reason…. You never can tell!

But good luck anyway! I say a crying man is no good and worth running from, who needs the extra oestrogen? We have more than enough of our own! And if he passes up on your utter fabulousness, he wasn’t worth it anyway!

A day from hell!!

I should've stayed in bed. But NO, here I am!

My day started off well, nothing untoward happened. But, on my way to work I heard the fantastic announcement on 5FM that Guns 'n Roses had cancelled their gig as part of the Coke Fest next weekend! I nearly lost my coffee! The only reason I paid close to R600 for a golden circle ticket was to see them. The rest of the bands suck...

I have been wanting to see GnR live since i was 14! It is not to be. At least we are getting refunded.

My work day has also been hectic. I have been asked to do deathly important (it would seem) work for 3 different people. Do i look like I have 3 heads and 7 arms? I checked, i don't! After a morning of incessant juggling of URGENT tasks, things seem to have calmed down... Hopefully!

And thankfully, it is only 2 1/2 hours until i can take my ass up to the pub for some free drinks! Lord knows i need it!!

All talk no action (ATNA)

When did men become all talk? I know it has always been going on but when did it become the fashion? And are we supposed to put up with it? I think not!!

At the moment I am stuck in such a situation. There is a guy (obviously) and we have been emailing backwards and forwards and have recently started with the smses. You can imagine the gist of the messages… little innuendos, hints and what could happen etc etc. But when it comes to the crunch, he chickens out. There is nothing more annoying than talking the situation up, only to be let down! It irritates the crap out of me! And then when I call it on him, the excuses come out. I had to work, I had plans, I was dying and so on.

Now this is not the only situation of ATNA that I have been exposed to in the last week. On Saturday, my brother and I went to a Ford dealer to look at the new Fiesta that I have my eye on as a replacement to my (very bad luck) car, in the near future. I test drove one and it was fantastic! I spoke to the sales guy and gave him all my details and exactly what I was looking for. He promised he would phone me on Monday before 12, once he had contacted the other dealers about what they had for me. It is now Thursday… and NOTHING! I left a message for him on Tuesday, and no call back. Yet another man suffering from ATNA.

I say we need to put a stop to this!!! Men need to grow some balls again and stop being such p*ussy’s!! I am going to take a stand and say “NO!!” to ATNA. I will no longer believe a man when he says he will do something and I plan to call him on it when he starts with the talk again!